


Three Times a Charm

by dauntlesscandor



Series: Three Times a Charm [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-03-30 16:44:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 55,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3944110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dauntlesscandor/pseuds/dauntlesscandor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story that takes place in 1942, 2013 and 2015 and connects two people that should never meet. Two people that met in three different places, three different times and three different lives. Can they still feel the same way in spite of all the pain they suffered?</p><p>Winter Soldier works with a young assassin while in Hydra. She doesn't seem to know, however, who she's truly working for. They develop feeling for one another and when she discovers that there's a real person behind the facade of a soulless monster... only bad things will happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1: Hydra: The Offer

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I had planned to write for a very long time. Half of it was actually written a year ago and now I'm finishing it up and adding few details. I hope a least some of you will find it worth reading.
> 
> Enjoy!

            I never believed that finding a job after university could possibly be so difficult until I got to experience that on my own skin. No company wanted to hire me which I found suspicious considering that I had a PhD in both engineering and biochemistry. The only thing I always heard when asking for a spot was that they were already full however for some reason I felt as if there was something more going on.

            After trying to apply in several different firms, I considered working in a café or anywhere that was hiring actually. I felt desperate for work since I needed to pay my rent and other expenses. Life wasn’t as easy and beautiful as I had imagined.

            One day, after another job interview that seemed to last forever, I decided to take a walk in order to clear my mind. My brain was filled with thousands of thoughts and I had no idea how to clear it. “Excuse me, ma’am,” I heard someone speak which snapped me out of my own quite world. I looked up utterly confused only to see a young man in a leather jacket grinning down at me. “Hello, my name is Brock. Brock Rumlov and I have an offer for you.”

            I arched my eyebrow and looked around. There were plenty of people around us so I hoped he wouldn’t try anything terrifying but the proposal sounded rather odd. “Excuse me?”

            He chuckled and motioned to a chair that was standing next to me with a ‘can I sit here?’ face expression. I nodded hesitantly and forced a smile. “And what offer would that be?”

            The man smiled to me and leaned closer at which my heart started pounding. _What if he has a knife?_ _Oh you stupid girl, you know you can take him down._ “A job that requires special skills.”

            I snorted. “A hooker?”

            He laughed right back at me and shook his head. “No, something more… special.”

            That made me interested. “What exactly is it?”

            He eyes me carefully and sighed deeply as if contemplating whether to tell me. “It would give you an opportunity to help the world. And you could use your _skills.”_ The way he said ‘skills’ made me feel as if he didn’t have my engineering and biochemistry degrees in mind. Almost as if reading my mind his smile widened. “I’m pretty sure you’re familiar with the term ‘assassin’.”

            I froze eying him carefully and assessing whether he was a potential threat. How did he even know me? “Excuse me, who are you again?”

            “My name is Brock Rumlov and I’m just like you,” he repeated his name and extended a hand for me to shake. I glanced at his hand and then back at him again refusing to make any physical contact with him. He chuckled at my hostility but put his hand down. “You see, our organisation comes from Russia and since you come from that part of Europe, we figured you’d be a perfect candidate,” Brock explained not letting his eyes off me. _How did he know where I’m from?_ “The name of the company is Защита. It’s Russian, I’m assuming you know that. We have a valuable asset that we would want you cooperate with.”

            “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I pretended to be stupid in hopes he would leave me alone. I did have a training in the old remains of the Soviet Union that no one knew existed but, like I said, no one knew it existed. However if anyone happened to stumble upon their bases they were sure to ‘eliminate the potential threat’ hence my distrustful attitude towards my approacher.

            “I know you do, and I have a proof,” he replied calmly and placed a file on the table. He opened it and I was shocked to see my picture with all the data that could possibly be found about me. I looked at him in utter disbelief and he simply shrugged. “We’re good at digging information.”

            “Is it some sort of a threat? Blackmail?” I asked closing the file. There was nothing I wanted to see in it.

            “No, of course not,” he replied looking offended. I arched my eyebrow in confusion. “It’s simply an offer and I’m trying to convince you to take it. You won’t regret it.”

            “It sounds a bit like a cult of some kind,” I said giving the man in front of me an once-over. He chuckled again.

            “It’s not, I can assure you,” he answered. I was still doubtful regardless. “You can help the world and I’m pretty sure you need a job anyway.”

            That was true. Plus I needed it soon. But was I ready to accept _such_ an offer? I tried to forget about my past for a very long time and somehow I managed to and studied something that could actually benefit people. Should I just give it up?

            That was the rational part of me speaking. The one that needed money for rent and living kept convincing me to say yes. _You can always ditch when things get messy._ And that was the side I listened to.

            “Alright, I agree,” I nodded and extended my head to my new co-worker.

            He smiled widely and took my hand in his. “Great. Let’s fill you in then.”

            Little did my other side know that there would be no getting out when things got messy. And I would be at the centre of that mess.


	2. Part 1: Hydra: The Meeting

I was introduced to the organization in a weird manner. Apparently I was supposed to assess their mental health and nothing more which I came as a pleasant surprise however I doubted it would last that way.

The building was enormous and the hallways looked as if taken straight out of a horror movie. Nothing specific, just plain white and black which made my senses go crazy and somehow I felt as if that was the whole point of the decorations system.

After a long walk we entered a room where only two men were present. One of them, obviously the boss, was wearing a suit and had grey hair. He smiled at me but I could feel the distance and coldness emitting from him. He was the dangerous one. The other man, the younger one, didn’t look so intimidating. He had black hair and rough stubble on his face. He was wearing a leather jacket and looked unlike anyone I had seen in this company. Moreover his brown eyes looked nicer than his friends.

“Ms. Crawford,” the older man called me and I was forced to look at him. I forced a smile hoping he wouldn’t notice. “Welcome.” I nodded trying to remain happy about the whole situation. “Please, take a seat.” The moment I sat down Rumlov, who directed me to that room, left me with the two men. I swallowed hard but tried to stay calm. “I’m really glad to hear that you accepted our offer. You are going to enjoy our cooperation indeed.”

I nodded. “Thank you for the opportunity.”

“My name is Alexander Pierce and it’s my organization,” the older man introduced himself and I made a mental effort to remember his name. “This,” he gestured to my left to the younger man “is Grant Ward. He’s one of our best agents. He will be working beside you sometimes so I highly recommend you two get acquainted.”

Ward waved his hand and gave me a fake smile. _Great_ , I thought. _At least he’s not pretending._

“We would love for you to feel at home in this company,” Pierce continued untouched by our fake exchange of acquaintance. “We already have a room for you prepared so you’ll be staying here with us so that you could have a better look at our agents. Now I’m pretty sure Agent Rumlov already filled you in about the fact that we’re aware of your abilities. However we won’t need your assistance in such a way on every day basis.”

I nodded again and I felt like that would be something I would keep doing throughout the course of that conversation.

“Good,” Pierce said more to himself than to me. “With that being said I’d love for you to join our main asset today and see how he’s doing.”

I narrowed my eyes at the use of word ‘asset’. If he was a human being, he deserved to be called by his own name and if he was a machine or whatever then what did they need me for anyway? Pierce decided to ignore my change of behavior and stood up looking at Ward. “Would you be so kind and direct our lovely lady to our subject?”

 _‘Subject’._ It was getting better. I was becoming more and more interested in meeting that person. Ward simply nodded and gave me a meaningful look. I headed towards the door trying to escape the choking atmosphere in the room, Ward following.

When we exited the room and the doors were shut, Ward exhaled deeply. “Now that was excruciatingly awkward.”

I looked up at him and arched my eyebrow. “Just slightly.”

He smiled and sighed. “Don’t mind him, he’s always like that. You’ll get used to it.”

“Really?” I honestly doubted it. “Did you?”

Ward chuckled and shook his head. “Not really. I guess it’s a matter of perspective.”

I nodded in agreement. “So what should I do now?”

Ward looked at me and shrugged. “I guess I should take you to meet Winter.”

            _Hm…_ I pondered. So was that his name? Interesting choice to be honest. “Winter?”

“That’s how we call him. I find it better than ‘subject’ or ‘asset’,” Ward replied starting to walk and I followed him. “However that’s not his name. No one really knows what it is.”

That was even more interesting. Who was that man?

After a brief exchange of words, we reached a room and Ward gestured for me to get in. “You’re not coming in?” I asked.

Ward snorted and shook his head. “That’s way above my jurisdiction level but enjoy.”

I nodded slowly and entered the room. Way above his jurisdiction? Then why was I allowed to get in? That entire situation seemed to be rather odd. First the man approaching me randomly in the street with a thick file on me, then this assignment with their major ‘asset’… Something was definitely up and I needed to find out what.

When I entered the room I was surprised to see that it looked like a surgery room full of hospital equipment. _There’s definitely something bad going on here_. The only two people present in the room were a doctor and the man I was meant to see.

He was at most few years older than me, with shoulder-length dark brown hair. He was shirtless and was sitting on a chair. When I entered the room his eyes quickly darted to mine and I was in shock to see how much pain his cold blue eyes held. I immediately felt sorry for him and wished I could help in any way I could.

“Oh yes, you must be Lily, right?” the doctor asked me and I nodded still having my eyes fixed on the tortured soul in front of me. “Perfect. So this is him. I suppose you heard some things. You can call him Winter. I’ll leave you two to talk and make sure to assess him.”

I nodded quickly and waited for the doctor to leave. After a moment I came closer to the man sitting a chair and smiled wholeheartedly using the fact that his eyes were still on me. “Hey, my name is Lily Crawford and I’m here to assess your mental health.”

Winter snorted but didn’t say anything. Instead he stopped looking at me and focused his eyes on a table beside me. I sighed in regret that I said anything. “Look, I can imagine you’re distrustful of people, and believe me, I get it. But I can assure you I’m not here to hurt you.” His eyes darted back to me. They were full of torture and misery. “I know you’ve probably heard that many times but I mean it. I’m on your side.”

Something in his eyes changed and he furrowed his eyebrows. He gave me an onceover and sighed deeply. I felt victory in a sense hoping that it means he trusted me at least a bit. I considered coming closer to him but I figured it would only result in him getting startled so I abandoned the idea for the time being. “Okay,” I said instead. “I’ll tell them you’re alright so that they would leave you be for now, can that be our deal?” I knew I would get any vocal response but I hope for some sign at least. His eyes flickered and he nodded slightly which I knew required a lot from him. “Good. So I’m gonna go now, but I want you to know that you can truly trust me.”

I knew I repeated myself but I really wanted him to be aware of that fact. I nodded to him and walked out of the room exhaling deeply after shutting the door. Working in there would give me a lot of trouble but after seeing that man being so emotionally hurt I decided to stick around for a bit and help him out.

****

The lunch went rather smoothly until more and more agents entered the canteen, that was. I always hated crowds and that one was especially unbearable. A bunch of men grunting and arguing about petty stuff wasn’t really my type of company but I had to endure it.

Agents at my table were bickering about who was tougher on the job – women or men. Of course the conversation took a sexist turn and they all agreed that women were weaker at kicking asses with which I couldn’t seem to agree on but remembered not to draw too much attention to myself so I kept quiet.

“Ladies in this job need to be tougher, just like this one,” one of the agents pointed at me. I glared at him but decided not to pick a fight.

“Well, she’s one hell of a fighter,” another one, I remembered his name as Collins, spoke. I gave him a thankful look and he nodded.

“Well, our lady here is definitely assigned with ‘heavy duty work’ if you could say so,” one of them joked and they all laughed.

I sighed in irritation and took my food tray with me. I stood up from the table and left giving everyone an annoyed glare. I walked towards the trash bin and emptied my plate. Afterwards I headed out of the canteen only to crash into someone at the entrance. “Relax there, it’s only food.”

I looked up angrier than ever and growled at the person who wouldn’t let me pass. “Move away, Agent Ward,” I hissed at him but he simply laughed at my odd behavior.

“What happened to you, ray of sunshine?” he asked chuckling.

“Ha, hilarious, move please,” I ordered knowing he probably wouldn’t move anyway. I was right. He moved with me anytime I tried to pass him to get out of the room. “Ward!”

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he questioned.

“I’m not in the mood, alright,” I responded lazily hoping it would suffice.

He arched an eyebrow at me and gave me an onceover. “Anything I can do to help, ma’am?” he asked me in all seriousness however I knew what he meant. People could see us however I didn’t care anymore. I was going to be stuck in this place for a while so I might as well have some fun. _What the hell._

“Yes, actually,” I replied straightening my back. “Would you please follow me, Agent Ward?”

He nodded continuing his professional pose. “Of course, ma’am.”

When we left the canteen, I took the first turn left that was leading to the bedroom department. After we passed few more agents and exchanged greetings with them, we finally got to the door I was looking for. Ward’s behavior changed automatically and he grabbed me by my shoulder while opening the door and then pushed me inside the room closing the door again. His eyes were completely darkened with lust and desire.

“When do you have to be back?” I asked him taking my shoes off.

“Seven,” he replied and I looked at him in surprise. “Garrett has an important meeting and I’m off until I’m back on my major assignment. Which is seven o’clock tonight,” he explained seeing my confused look.

“You do know it’s only three though, right?” I asked him seductively pushing my dress up which resulted in him stopping all of his movements and looking at me with shallow breaths. “And I have time until tomorrow morning.”

He arched an eyebrow at me and smiled widely. “Then I guess we have plenty of time,” he suggested and took a step forward however I extended my arm in a stopping gesture.

“No, no,” I corrected him. “ _You_ have plenty of time.” He looked at me with confusion mixed with amusement at my teasing. “You offered to help me, remember?” I explained.

He chuckled but then cleared his throat. He knelt in front of me and gripped my thighs. “Of course, how could I forget?” he asked rhetorically. “What would you like first, ma’am?”

“I’m open to suggestions,” I whispered looking down at him. He smirked and pushed my dress up until my waist. Then he started pulling my tights down with gentle movements touching my skin at any opportunity he had. I smiled every time he did.

“So what happened in there?” he asked pulling the last bits off.

“Less talking, more touching,” I commended.

“Happy to oblige,” he laughed at my order. “You know I will and I’ll do more than you want so just tell me.”

I sighed in resignation. _Oh I know you will_. However I wanted it at _that_ moment so I could forget. I knew he wouldn’t give up so easily therefore I decided to tell him what happened. “Women-in-combat-situation teasing,” I explained. “No big deal, happens all the time.”

He looked up at me arching his eyebrow. “They tease _you_ about that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked quite offended and I tried to step away from him but his strong hands gripped my bare thighs keeping me close to him.

“I just mean that you’re the only women in here I wouldn’t doubt can put all of the men down,” he replied grinning at me and I was unable not to smile back. “You know,” he added skimming his fingers across my thighs in teasing movements making my breath faster. “We’re having gym exercises tomorrow. All of us. Maybe you’re interested in joining and sparring with me. That way you can simply prove you’re better than all of them and they’ll shut up forever. What do you say, tough guy?”

I was surprised by his offer. “Are you honestly ready to have your ass kicked in front of everyone here?” I asked in disbelief.

“Oh yes, for you always,” he replied. “Besides I don’t really care for their opinions here.” That was true. For some reason he couldn’t care less and I had no idea why. That part of him was a mystery for me.

“Thank you,” I replied and he hummed standing up and pushing me slowly towards the bed. I gripped his shoulders making him look at me. He did. “I mean it, thank you.”

“Don’t even mention it,” he replied smiling and pushing me onto the bed making me gasp. I glared at him and he laughed. He took his shirt off and came on top of me.

“You stopped shaving,” I commented furrowing my eyebrows as I was skimming my fingertips across prickly cheeks. “You used to all the time.”

“Does it bother you?” he asked me pushing few hair strands off my face.

“No,” I objected too enthusiastically since he looked at me arching his eyebrows and chuckled. “I like it.”

“I’m keeping it then,” he finished off planting a kiss on my cheek. I chuckled at his reaction and closed my eyes relishing in the pleasure. He moved his kisses towards my neck and then lower pulling at the material of my dress angrily. “Can you take that off?”

I laughed. “Is there a problem?” I mocked him before sitting up and pulling my dress up. He helped me and we took it off in one swift movement. His hands reached behind my back to unclasp my bra. “You’re always so eager to take everything off. Don’t you like a bit of mystery?”

He laughed throwing my bra across the bed. “I like looking at you, that’s all,” he replied winking at me.

“Well, I like looking at you as well,” I complained. He quickly obeyed taking his shirt off. “That’s more like it.”

“Good,” he hummed into my ear and continued his trail of kisses on my body. With my breasts exposed he took them both into consideration giving them plenty of attention and making me moan…

****


	3. Part 1: Hydra: The Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one was really weird to edit because I've written pieces of it a long time ago so if anything seems out of place, feel free to let me know! I always appreciate any input.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Look if you're having a headache then you should tell them,” I suggested glancing at him narrowing his eyes and looking at his palms. He kept having his headaches more often and I blamed whatever they were injecting him for causing them. He looked up at me when he heard me speak. He still had his mask on. “They can give you something, you know. I doubt they're that soulless.”

I could swear I could hear him snort at my last sentence. Recently I was spending more time with him so I got used to him not speaking to monologues were a specialty of mine. He reached to the back of his mask and pulled it off making me freeze instantly. He looked at me after he did and I couldn't resist gasping. He was incredibly handsome. His almost shoulder-length brown hair were sweaty and his cold blue eyes expressed pain and distrust. He had a strong stubble along his jawline and he looked awfully sad. I sighed seeing his hurt. “Hey, I know that their drugs are usually something different so I can give you some painkillers of my own. I don't trust them either,” I offered.

He looked up at me and spoke for the first time since we met. “Please.”

I had suppress another sigh and gasp. _What is happening?_ From what I heard, he was never like that. First, he never took his mask off and second, he never talked. Yet he did both within one minute. I nodded quickly and pulled out a small box with pills and handed it to him. He took it gratefully and swallowed two of them handing me the box back. I observed him for a long moment as he closed his eyes inhaling deeply. “Do you need anything else?”

He shook his head slowly. He was being attentive. It was a very good sign. “You should get back,” he said hoarsely sounding very tired.

“You should come with me,” I advised him taking my bag on my shoulder. He looked up at me in what I assumed was confusion. “I mean, we share a room anyway besides I think it would be good if you lied down.”

He shook his head again. “They would want to wipe me,” he struggled to pronounce the second last word and I knew exactly why.

“I'll deal with them,” I said firmly trying to get him to lie down. I knew it was the cryo wearing off and I wanted it to wear off completely to see the man he once was. Besides I had a feeling that the constant exposure to whatever they were doing to him could cause serious memory damage.

He looked up at me terrified. “I can't let you do that.”

“It's already done. I talked to Rumlov before we came back here and he said that they need you for something more.” I extended my hand for him to grab and when after a bit of hesitating he did, I pulled him up.

We walked in silence to our shared room and when we reached the destination I came in first, him following. He took off his tactical vest and prepared to lie down on the floor. “It's a bad idea,” I said before he could do anything else. “I'd rather have you sleeping on the bed tonight. You should get some proper rest.”

“I won't get any on the bed,” he refused to agree with me. We had that discussion at least twice a week. Well, it was a monologue actually since it was the first time he had spoken during our small disagreements. “It's too soft.”

I looked at him with understanding. I knew what he meant. He had never experienced any comfort at all or any niceness for that matter. It probably felt terrible to even lie on the mattress after years of sleeping on the stony floor. I sighed in resignation. “Fine. Have it your way.”

I took off my clothes leaving only my underwear. I was used to sleeping only in it therefor I didn't change it after I joined in. I could see Winter's eyes on my back as I undressed. I jumped under the quilt and the blanket in hopes of warming up. “Good night,” I muttered however there was no answer. I supposed he decided to get back to ignoring me again.

I had almost drifted right into sleep when the bed next to me bent and he lied down. He moved closer to me and slid an arm, which happened to be the metal one due to me lying on my left side, under me and placed it loosely so that I could lie on it more comfortably. He used his other arm to wrap it around my waist and bring me closer to him. He had his face in my hair, inhaling my smell. I was used to that happening, it was quite often. He would simply sneak into my bed at night looking for warmth. He didn't have any blanket of his own and even when I offered him mine, he refused. However he usually would get cold in the middle of the night and wrap himself around me. I never bothered and actually enjoyed when he did so. “I'm sorry but you're so warm...” he breathed into my hair.

“Don't be sorry,” I breathed to him snuggling into his back which resulted in his muffled sigh of pleasure. “I like it.”

“It's not going to end well for you, trust me,” he growled quietly tightening his grip around my waist. “Why are you even in this organization?”

“I want to help,” I stated knowing very well it was probably the lamest answer ever.

He laughed bitterly into my neck. “Well, you chose the wrong place then.”

“You're here,” I said firmly placing one of my hands on his flesh one. He tangled his fingers with mine. “I want to help you.”

“You can't help me anymore,” he whispered sadly.

“Yes, I can,” I denied. There was nothing impossible in my opinion and I was about to prove him wrong. “First, I can start with finding out who you really are.”

“I'm some guy from a Russian village...” he said in a resigned tone.

“No, you're not,” I interrupted hearing the same lies again. The ones they kept telling him were the truth. “Believe me when I say that you're not Russian. I come from Eastern Europe myself and there's no way you're Russian,” I explained and then added with a sigh. “I can't shake the feeling I've seen you somewhere before. I will find the truth.”

“It's going to get you hurt,” he said in an almost terrified voice. I had to admit, I liked the idea of someone being worried about me. Especially if it was him.

“I'll be fine. Don't worry.” I tightened my grip on his hand in reassurance.

“And yet I do.”

“That's exactly why I want to help you,” I chuckled quietly and moved my other hand to his metal arm and gripped it. He shivered at that but said nothing. “You're a good man.”

“No, I'm not,” he replied sharply and I almost flinched.

“Yes, you are.” I was very stubborn but then again, so was he. Apparently we could discuss things forever. “All of the men in here, without any exceptions, would take me against my will if they were you right now. They would hurt me and probably tell Pierce that I don't believe in their values,” I said quietly knowing too well it was the truth. He froze at the memory as well and brought me even closer. I could feel him smile against the skin of my shoulder.

“I like how you said theirs, not yours.”

“Because I know you don't believe in them either,” I said trying to make him stop doubting in himself.

“I'm not even sure I know any of them,” he admitted quietly. “Because of all the brainwashing... I doubt there's even a man left behind this facade.”

I felt an enormous anger building up in me towards Pierce and the rest for what they did to Winter. “There is. Let me help you find him,” I offered and he moved me so that he could look into my eyes. _And the way he looks at me..._ “You're the first man that has ever looked at me like that.”

“You deserve it,” he whispered without breaking the lovely eye contact. “I just wish I could deserve you. I wish you were able to rely on me and... I just wish I was different.”

“I don't,” I admitted honestly keeping up with his gaze. “I trust you.”

“What?” he asked in surprise.

“I'm sorry, I needed you to know,” I mumbled realizing how awfully it must had sounded. “I also need you to know that it means a lot to me. It means more to me than 'I love you'. And I do. I do trust you and I'm not sure I have ever trusted anyone in my life. My childhood was messy and ugly and I have never felt safe. Until you.” I spoke slowly and quietly making sure he actually understood I was being sincere.

“You shouldn't,” he replied clenching his jaw.

I sighed and smiled warmly at him. “If someone tried to hurt me, would you let them?”

“Never.”

“Would you defend me?”

“With my life.”

“There it is,” I summed up with a grin. I changed our position so that my back was to his front again. I sighed in pleasure and closed my eyes.

“And I feel safe with you,” he said after a long moment and I smiled involuntarily. “You're like my secret haven.” He chuckled at his own words but then something about him changed. “And then there's Ward.”

I burst out in a silent laughter startling him slightly. “You've been waiting to say that, haven't you?”

“Actually yes,” he admitted.

“Jealous much?” I teased him playfully.

“Maybe,” he whispered into my ear and I was shocked at his words.

“You'd be the first guy then,” I whispered back stroking his hand.

“I wish I could be the last,” he confessed and I was left speechless. We had never talked before however I knew that there was something. I just never thought it was something like that. “I know, I know it's impossible. Just a dream, I guess.”

“I was going to suggest that we both find a way out of here. Together,” I offered hoping he'd agree. I could feel his arm wrap around me tighter than before and he nodded his head.

“I’d love that.”

I smiled to myself and tried falling asleep expecting an eventful day tomorrow. I didn’t realize I could fall asleep that fast with a metal arm under my head…

****

When I woke up, Winter was already gone. That was typical for our interactions. He was always gone by the time I woke up and there no visible evidence he was actually there. I sighed and started getting dressed. I knew we had to get another mission done but I couldn’t bring myself to get ready. After a long internal debate, I decided to get up and return to the world of living.

The next few days were difficult. I didn’t get to talk to Winter as much as before. The reason they gave me was an assignment that I wasn’t allowed to know about but deep inside I knew there was more to it than it seemed. Moreover I couldn’t shake the feeling of seeing him somewhere before and that thought didn’t want to leave me at peace. His face was awfully familiar yet I couldn’t figure out where possibly I could see him.

I needed to leave my mess of thoughts alone for a while because a new mission was approaching. Much to my surprise but also enjoyment, I was partnered up with Winter instead of Ward for once. Recently Pierce seemed to alienate me from him much more which made me think something was up.

“You’re going to get in, make sure no one sees you and extract a certain file. Nothing more,” we were both instructed through a com and I arched my eyebrow at Winter.

‘What file?” I questioned not remembering anything about a file.

“Don’t worry, Winter’s got it covered,” was the only response I got before the radio went silent.

I sighed in irritation and stayed put just as I was told to while Winter entered the building. I stood there looking around and wondering why exactly was I brought there if there was nothing for me to do. I crossed my arms on my chest knowing that I probably looked like an annoyed child but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

And then I saw them.

A small group of children were hiding under behind a caravan car parked besides the building. They were barely visible but I could see their terrified eyes looking at me with terror. They were afraid of what I was going to do about them. I knew the procedure in case of anyone alive remaining to see us but they were just children. I couldn’t let them to get hurt.

“I got it, we can go,” I heard Winter’s voice and I jumped looking at him.

“Sure,” I replied too fast for his liking.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in his insisting tone.

“Nothing. What do you mean?” I asked and headed towards our car but his hand gripped my shoulder in a stopping movement.

“You wouldn’t happen to see any kids here, right?” his voice was filled with an unspoken threat and his eyes were piercing mine. “They should be disposed of.”

“No kids, sorry,” I replied trying to remain calm since I was perfectly aware he was able to tell whether I was lying. “I haven’t seen anything unusual.”

His eyes remained fixed on mine and I was sure I would get caught but after a moment his grip on my shoulder loosened and he sighed. “Alright then, let’s head back.” And with those words he walked off.

I stayed behind him looking as if I saw a ghost. There was no way he didn’t realize I was lying, he had to know. He was better than anyone and I wasn’t a really good liar. Yet he either decided not to pursue the matter or he simply let the kids remain alive. Either way I decided that moment should be kept a secret for both our sakes.

            ****

I sighed and placed my gun on the table. I was exhausted after that day’s mission and hoped for a good night rest. That was exactly why I was utterly happy when I was informed no one was to meet tomorrow except for Pierce and the leading scientists until the noon. I could sleep as much as I wanted. I smiled to myself at that thought.

I heard my door click and I froze. I was wondering who was so stupid to walk into my room uninvited but then I heard someone place their gun next to mine and I knew who it was.

“What, am I your booty call now?” I asked turning to face him. Winter smiled which was news to me. “Plus no touching?”

His smile disappeared and was replaced with something I haven’t seen long in man’s expression when he was looking at me. _Desire._

He took another step towards me until our chests were almost brushing and then he took my hand in his placing it on his chest. I arched my eyebrow in surprise.

“No booty call,” he whispered gently wrapping his metal arm around my waist. “And a lot of touching.” I was shocked. Positively however I had no idea where that change came from. I parted my lips and looked at him questioningly. He looked so _vulnerable_. “Please, be gentle.” His voice was almost begging.

I gasped for air at his modest request however I nodded slowly taking a step towards him reducing the distance between us to non-existing. He took a deep breath at my action and his body tensed but he remained still. I placed my other hand on his chest as well and as gently as possible I skimmed through his broad torso. I could feel his heart racing and his breathing became faster. I moved one of my hands to his side and unzipped his tactical vest and took it off. He allowed it without stopping me.

Then I moved my hands to the bottom of his shirt and gripped it glancing at him questioningly. He simply put his hands up and let me took it off of him. I grinned and he chuckled seeing my reaction. I loved how at ease he felt with me, it made me feel special.

I moved my hands across his chest touching every inch of his skin and widening my eyes at his amazing physique. His muscles were perfectly toned and firm to the touch. I have never met a man as well-built as him. What surprised me the most was the lack of scars of any sort on his skin light skin. “Why are there no scars?” I whispered stroking his abdomen. His muscles there tightened delightfully.

“The serum,” he replied quietly controlling his breaths. Even though he let me touch him, his entire body was tensed and ready to defend himself.

“What's wrong with the touch?” I asked looking up at him and tilting my head to the side. “I mean, why won't you let anyone to touch you?”

“It's too intimate,” he whispered looking into my eyes. I could see terror in his. “Everyone who wants to touch me, wants to hurt me.”

“Not me,” I whispered sliding my right hand under his pants and he held his breath. All of my movements were slow and gentle trying not to spook him. “I would never do anything to you.”

He didn't reply but lowered his head onto my shoulder closing his eyes. “May I touch _you?_ _”_ he asked after a moment and I looked at him confused.

“You've already done it before,” I breathed into his ear making him shudder.

“But this is different.”

I knew. I understood him completely. It was a unique experience and definitely something that shouldn't happen. However I ignored my subconscious and stepped back from him for a moment. I unzipped my suit until the end and pushed it off till it reached my waist. The only thing remaining on my upper body was my black laced bra. I took his flesh hand and moved it to my waist while stepping forward. Then I placed a gentle kiss on his chest and reached my arms to wrap them around his back. He sighed into my hair as his hand wandered around my body and was soon joined by the other, metal one. We rarely spoke and kept the touches going. I wanted him to feel secure and _needed_. And definitely not used.

“Is that alright?” I asked after a moment snuggling my head into his chest.

“Yes,” he replied huskily while his hands reached to my suit and he knelt in front of me. He pulled it down until my ankles and then completely off. Afterwards he stood up and brought me closer to him and I smiled as his face came closer to mine but I froze after a second when his lips crushed into mine.

We had never kissed before and I doubted we would. He still felt threatened by human touch and I didn't want to push his limits. However the kiss was almost magical. He kissed me softly but with passion, a mixture that I had never experienced with anyone else I had been with. We kept kissing while I tangled my fingers into his hair and he moaned deeply. After he broke the kiss for a moment his breathing was heavy. “We shouldn't be doing this.”

“You were the one that came to me,” I smiled to him stroking his cheek.

“You could get hurt,” he said quietly.

“So could you.”

“No,” he disagreed firmly. “I'm too valuable to Pierce. You are the one he would make suffer. And I can't let that happen...”

I shook my head smiling. “Nothing's going to happen,” I whispered looking into his cold blue eyes. “I promise.”

And then we were kissing again and making our way to my bed.

****

When I woke up in the morning, the sun was slipping through the curtains into the room. I smiled happily realizing that I had no set time to meet and I could simply relax. I tried to lift myself and get up however I felt someone's body being like a dead weight against me. I couldn't move and I landed back on the bed hearing a deep growl from someone's throat and a husky 'no' muttered against my shoulder.

I chuckled lightly stroking an arm that was thrown across my chest to keep me in place. It felt incredibly cold. “You're freezing.”

“As usually,” he mumbled without moving or opening his eyes.

I started massaging his arm and his back as far as I could reach to make him warmer. He moaned at that sensation and allowed me to continue by moving closer. I pulled the blanket higher to cover his exposed back and made bigger circles on his skin with my palm. His arm that was thrown across my chest gripped my waist and he flipped us so that I was lying on his chest covering his body from the cold air. I grinned at him and wrapped my arms around his neck spreading my legs around his waist. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me kindly. His other hand stroke my cheek. “You're so kind... why are you in Hydra?”

I sighed and put my head on his chest. “I didn't know that it was Hydra at first. They made it sound as if it was a helpful organization that tries to bring the world peace. I was naive that I believed them,” I chuckled bitterly at my own stupidity. “Besides I'm not that good.”

“The children you saved would disagree,” he replied kissing me at the top of my head. I furrowed at his words and looked up at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, you know,” he grinned at me and I froze when the realization hit me. He truly did know. _I was a dead-man._

 _“_ You should be careful, someone might notice,” he said tightening his grip protectively around me. I relaxed slightly.

 _“Someone_ already did,” I teased him with a smile.

“I mean, someone who’d report you,” he corrected himself making me understand he wouldn't do that. I kissed his chest and smiled blissfully.

“Thank you,” I replied. And he kissed the top of my head again in response.

Suddenly a loud knock on the door broke the secretive moment between the two of us. Winter’s behavior changed immediately and a cold emotionless mask replaced the recent lovely and caring look. He quickly stood up and started dressing up without looking at me even for a moment.

“Who’s this?” I decided to ask to make the situation less awkward.

“Me,” an annoyed voice belonging to Rumlov was heard from behind the door. “I need you in the debriefing room in fifteen minutes. Pierce wants to have a word with you.” I froze for a minute but then realized that there was nothing he actual he could suspect me of.

“No problem, I’ll be there in fifteen,” I replied trying to sound professional and strong which probably didn’t sound as I had imagined.

“Take a file one point six from the archive before you get there, sunshine, alright?” Rumlov added and I made a mental note. _One point six._

“One point six, got it!”

“Perfect,” Rumlov replied and I could hear his footsteps as he walked away. I sighed with relief and glanced at Winter who was already fully dressed. He regained his former killer face and refused to let go of it.

“He’s gone, you know,” I said quietly trying to get him to open up. However I could see there was no point. “You can talk to me.”

He didn’t respond. He fixed his eyes on the door and walked towards it without saying a word to me. He opened the door and then shut it and I felt broken. _How could he do that to me?_ Didn’t last night mean anything to him? I knew he was back into his killer facade but I also knew that there was a lot more to him than just that.

I decided to shake my hurt pride and get dressed as well remembering that I knew what I was getting myself into. I needed to get to the debriefing room in fifteen minutes in order for Pierce not to suspect me of anything. I couldn’t deal with everyone at the same time.

I quickly grabbed a black dress and a pair of boots to put on and ran to the bathroom. After getting dressed I almost jumped out of the room to get the file before Pierce would send someone else to take my spot. _I couldn’t afford to be replaced._

I walked through the hallways with confidence that I never knew I had. That place changed me and I couldn’t decide if I liked the person I had become. The previous version of me would never get herself involved with two men who are both assassins and had probably killed lots of people but the previous me would probably end up getting killed the minute she would walk into that building. I had definitely grown as a person but I had also become… soulless in a way. And I didn’t like that one bit.

I opened the door to the archive with a loud noise trying to get my frustration out before seeing my boss. I looked at the numbers and headed towards the shelf marked as one. Upon noticing the file I was assigned to take, I also noticed something else.

Something I shouldn’t.

There was a box pushed to the wall named J.B.B. and I couldn’t resist the thought that I’ve heard that before. My curiosity took the best of me and I knelt in front of the box to examine its contents. When I pulled the lid off and saw the first file with J.B.B. placed on it and a photo my heart almost stopped.

However he looked different on that picture. His hair was short and his eyes carried less baggage. In addition, he was wearing dog tags and an army suit. I was confused and terrified at the same time yet I started skimming through the page.

_James Buchannan Barnes._

My eyes widened after reading the name. _That’s how I knew him._ Few years back, when I first came to the US, I visited the Smithsonian Institute and I saw the exhibition about Captain America. Bucky Barnes was his childhood friend that ‘died’ back in the 40s and Steve Rogers wasn’t able to save him. However apparently he didn’t die and instead he was taken by this organization, whatever it was named.

And then I saw what it was _truly_ named.

All of the files in that box were stamped with one logo and name.

My brain started putting the pieces together and I couldn’t breathe. _I was affiliated with the organization that wants Captain America dead._ How could I miss that? The constant meetings that I wasn’t allowed on, the whispers that silenced when I was around… Everybody was hiding it from me and I was naive enough not to notice.

And then I realized that my life was probably going to end. Because what could I do? I wasn’t strong enough to put an end to it. Or was I? I knew one thing – I couldn’t leave Sergeant Barnes in there alone therefore I had to stick around at least a bit more.

For him.


	4. Part 1: Hydra: The Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting dangerous...
> 
> Enjoy!

_Hydra_.

My mind stopped processing anything that was happening. I was unbelievably terrified and couldn’t process how I could be that blind. I mean, Ward? He didn't seem like the lying type however as far as I was concerned I wasn't a very good determiner of who was a good and a bad person. I felt terrible about myself. _Didn't all my training teach me anything?_ I wasn't even able to tell when I was being tricked and manipulated. I needed to get out as quickly as...

Suddenly my train of thought was interrupted when someone took a firm and strong hold of my arm and pulled me with him and then pushed me against the wall. I gasped in surprise trying to see in the darkness who it was. I begged the heavens for the person to be either Ward or Winter so I had at least few second to bargain for my life. My heart skipped a beat when I realized it was no other than the Winter Soldier. I swallowed hard however I was relieved.

“What are you doing?” he asked me in his husky voice and I could hear a difference in his speech. He wasn’t wearing his mask again.

“I’m… well, nothing really. I was just heading to my room,” I answered professionally. I wasn’t worried about him. We had many missions together and were partners for most of the time. We were even sharing a room here in the headquarters. I had to admit, I felt as if he took quite a liking in me. It made me feel at ease.

“Liar,” he breathed and I shivered at the realization that he was suddenly so close to me. “Imagine what would happen if someone else found you?”

His breath was sweet filled with the drugs they were injecting him. With the new information I gathered, I tried to comprehend what exactly it was that they were injecting him. I kept my eyes fixed on his handsome face. It looked awfully familiar yet I couldn't remember where I had seen him before...

“Well, I suppose I should be grateful then,” I replied smiling slightly. It was a complete darkness in the room however I knew he could see me clearly as well.

“I’m not so sure,” he growled into my ear and I had to suppress the urge to jump away from him. I was gradually becoming afraid. I noticed he sensed it and then he brought his face closer to mine. I inhaled deeply trying to remain calm. I had no idea what he was doing. He wasn’t acting like himself. “Don’t be afraid, please,” he whispered softly. I couldn’t believe what I heard. “I’m begging you…”

I put my hand on top of his and squeezed it in a reassurance. “I’m not.”

At that his hand flew away from mine and I had to suppress a sigh. He hated human touch of any kind. That was exactly why I couldn’t believe in what followed. Suddenly one of his arms circled my waist and in one swift movement he pulled me up leaving me no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist at which he seductively growled. I couldn’t think clearly from the emotions taking up all the space in my head. His hand slid down to grab me by my ass and took a firm grip there in order not to let me fall. I reacted instinctively and reached both my hands to cup his cheeks. At the sensation of my fingertips even brushing his skin, he grabbed my wrists using his other hand and pinned them above my head. “No touching,” he hissed against my neck making me shiver. I moaned in irritation however I let him keep my hands that way. Then I waited anticipating his next move but none came. I searched for his eyes in the complete darkness and furrowed my eyebrows. “Say no if you want to. I’m not doing anything against your will.” His words startled me unbelievably although I knew why he said them. A lot of people in _Hydra_ were willing to take whatever, in their opinion, they deserved. Even if that meant rape…

I couldn’t make any encouraging movements using my hands therefore I ground against his hips with mine. He moaned silently and took the hint. At least I assumed he did but then he forced my knees apart and made me stand on my shaky legs. He kept me steady and knelt in front of me. That was when I understood what he was about to do. It wasn’t going to be a _vanilla sex._ It was about to become rough and I couldn’t wait. He pushed my short dress up and pulled my panties down using plenty of strength which made me wonder if they were still in one piece. It didn’t bother me so much especially when he stood back up, unzipped his combat pants and lifted me up again placing his flesh arm under my ass. His metal arm came up to hold my wrists above my head again. It was a matter of seconds when he was inside of me thrusting deeply making me fully aroused. I wasn’t expecting to feel much pleasure since I was used to foreplay and touching the other person. That was when my surprise came when I couldn’t suppress my moans any longer as his thrusts became faster. “No touching,” he growled again in short breaths before he let my wrists go and switched his arms so that the metal one was under my ass holding me in the air giving me a glorious sensation. His flesh hand covered my mouth to keep me quiet. We would both be dead if anyone found us. “I mean it.”

I nodded shakily breathing through my nostrils and kept my hands up placed against the wall. His face came closer to mine and due to some change of the tiniest source of light in the room I could see his eyes clearly. They were beautifully cold blue. They expressed massive pain and torture but were still perfect. He locked his gaze with mine and something changed in him. His thrusts slowed down and went deeper filling me entirely. I widened my eyes at the realization that he kept looking into them. It all felt impossible. He was an assassin that Hydra recruited to do terrible things for its behalf. He had no idea of half the things he had done since they were wiping him after almost every mission. My stay at Hydra was probably the longest time he wasn’t erased.

Not long after, I came screaming into his hand, to my genuine surprise. _He was an amazing lover._ He came right after me with a muffled groan and he hid his face in my shoulder. I had to fight the urge to brush his hair however I knew what would happen if I did so. Instead I tried to regain my breaths and closed my eyes. “Winter…” I breathed quietly without even thinking. “Do you know your name?” It was a mistake.

He immediately froze and his grip on me tightened. “Why?”

“I just wish I could use your real name right now,” I breathed dropping my arms down when I couldn't feel them anymore. He noticed my action and glared at me. “I know, no touching,” I repeated like a child who mocks its parent for the restrictions it’s given. It seemed to amuse him even though he didn't show it on his face.

The shock for me however, came when I saw him looking at my hand hesitantly and he said, “Go ahead.” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion until I realized what he meant.

“Are you sure?” He simply nodded and closed his eyes. I reached my hand slowly to his shoulder and placed it there gently. He gasped for air and the touch but stood still. Too still. “I'm not going to hurt you, I swear.”

“I know,” he whispered quietly and I smiled to myself hearing his words. I put my other hand on his other shoulder observing his reaction however he seemed relaxed in that moment. He moved his head onto my shoulder and we stayed in that position for a long moment. None of us bothered to move and we kept inhaling each other’s' smells. “He's not good for you,” he breathed after a moment without moving an inch. “Why are you with him?”

“Who?” I asked in confusion moving my hands gently across his shoulders which made him sigh deeply.

“Ward,” he replied.

“I'm not _with_ him,” I answered quiet confused. Was that the popular opinion over there? That we were a thing? There was nothing more between us than some friendship and sex actually.

“So is it just sex?” he asked almost as if he could hear my thoughts.

I nodded slowly wondering what his reaction would be if one of my hand found its way to his hair... I decided to find out. When my fingers touched his hair he froze for a moment and his grip on my bottom tightened however he didn't stop me. I took it as a green light and tangled my fingers with his hair. It resulted in a low moan from him and goosebumps all over his body. “Then why him? He's a liar,” he replied in a husky voice wrapping his arms tighter around me.

“Everyone here is a liar,” I whispered into his ear.

“Not you,” he replied firmly and I was surprised with that.

“How do you know?”

“I can tell, believe me.”

And I did. Just like I told him the night before. I _trusted_ him without knowing exactly why. My hand was still in his hair and his arm under my bottom holding me up when we heard a loud sound at the corner of where we were. Both of us froze instantly listening if anyone was coming. When after a long while we decided there were no footsteps, we had to leave anyway, just in case. He sighed into my shoulder and I unwrapped my legs from around his waist. He slowly put me down holding me until I regained my balance. Then he zipped his jeans and I pushed my dress down trying to look for my panties in the darkness. He laughed quietly seeing my narrowed eyes in the darkness and came closer to me. “I'll keep them,” he said quietly and showed me the piece of underwear I was looking for in his hands. I smiled at him and nodded.

He gently pushed the door to the cabin with files open so that he could see if anyone was hiding in the shadows ready to expose us. What we just did wasn't allowed _at all_ therefor we needed to be extra careful the next couple of days. He glanced at me and nodded in confirmation that there was no one in sight. I nodded back and grabbed the folder with files I was going through a couple of minutes ago before leaving.

I moved quickly through the hallways trying to get to Ward with whom I was supposed to meet. I needed to make sure I wasn’t being followed and more importantly that I had hidden the files in a secret place that no one would discover.

By the time I got to his room, he was already there and in order to forget what happened recently I jumped onto him with kisses.

            ****

I was lying on my back looking at the ceiling trying to form a coherent sentence that wouldn’t hurt him yet would convey my message successfully. I struggled with it greatly at that moment. I sighed deeply and turned my head to the side only to find him as deep in his own thoughts as I was. I knew who he was thinking about. Well, not exactly since I had never met her however I knew there was someone new in his life. Maybe nothing happened between them or maybe it did, but there was no doubt he wanted it either way. I decided to be the first one to break the rather awkward silence.

“What’s her name?”

Ward flinched at the sound of my voice and glanced at me. When his eyes met mine he got his warm look back and moved closer to me lying on his side. I knew he was considering to lie, but I could also see he knew there was no point. I would either find out myself or trace her down. Not out of jealousy but simply because I was truly curious who could steal his heart _that_ much.

“Skye,” he replied looking deeply into my eyes, probably making sure I wouldn’t break into tears. It wasn’t my style really especially since I kind of _cheated_ on him a couple of hours ago.

“Nice name,” I replied simply. “Is she Hydra?” Ward widened his eyes at my usage of the word Hydra. He knew I thought it was Защита since I was never allowed to know the truth. He kept eying me which was clearly _assessing_ me.

“I’m not stupid, Ward,” I replied lying back and putting an arm under my head. “It’s quite ironical that they decided to use precisely _this_ cover name, don’t you think? I mean, you know it means SHIELD in Russian, right?”

He chuckled lightly relaxing. I was wondering whether it was because he didn’t consider me a threat or he thought I was on Hydra’s side. “You’re right. Someone clearly didn’t think it through.”

I glanced at him trying to figure out what was going through his head. He looked at me as if he knew what I was thinking about. “You have no reason to trust me, but I’m not standing for Hydra’s beliefs.”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s hard to believe since I’m assuming you knew it’s Hydra since you joined.”

He sighed but nodded. “But it wasn’t like you think,” he lied back and looked up as if he was remembering something. “I joined in because Garrett was a member. He helped me out when my parents weren’t there for me. I don’t know how much you actually know about my past but…”

“I know everything, I’m assigned to analyze your mental health. All of yours actually,” I interrupted him knowing it would be hard for him to express. He had a terrible childhood that included abuse, neglectfulness and lots of terror. I always felt sorry for what he had been through but in my opinion it didn’t justify his Hydra membership.

He nodded again and continued. “Well then, Garrett was like a father I never had. He took care of me when no one else would. I felt like I owed him, that’s why I joined.”

“You don’t owe him anything. From what I know he left you in the woods for three months and assumed you’ll survive,” I said in pure confusion. “That doesn’t sound like the father of the year.”

He laughed and looked at me. “You don’t know what it’s been like,” he said quietly. “He gave me a life I would never had if not for him. You would feel differently if you’d been in my shoes,” he turned his head away from me adding. “I know you hate him.”

“Rightly so,” I replied. “He messed you up pretty badly.”

I expected him to get angry at me or at least object however he simply smiled looking in the space. “Perhaps you’re right.”

I decided to drop the matter for the time being. “Okay, so is she Hydra?” I repeated my earlier question.

He looked at me as if I startled him. “Oh no, she’s not.”

“Might be a problem,” I concluded.

“And it is,” he said giving me a sad smile. He observed me for a minute as if he was assessing if I can be trusted and the added. “She’s with SHIELD.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. _Wait what?_ “I don’t get it then…”

“SHIELD is the one with Captain America, Iron Man and all the rest saving-the-day heroes. Hydra is the antagonist in their dictionary,” he explained.

“Only in theirs?” I questioned becoming more and more skeptical about Hydra’s true intentions with each passing minute.

“That depends on a person, I guess,” he responded giving me a significant smile. “I suppose you’re on SHIELD’s side now. Am I right?”

I froze for a second and then tried to regain my pose. “Are you going to report me?” I asked in all seriousness.

He chuckled and shook his head in disapproval. “You could stand for Loki from Asgard and I wouldn’t report you.”

“What if Garrett asks you to and questions you if I’m a weakness?” I knew very well that it was something Garrett constantly asked Ward. It always resulted in him following his superior’s orders blindfoldedly.

He looked at me in pure surprise but then relaxed again. “Don’t worry about it, I’m not a rat,” he reassured me however the expression that appeared on his face made me think otherwise.

“How did you meet her then?” I asked again adding seeing his confused look. “Skye.” When he seemed to hesitate to answer I did so for him. “Because somehow I feel like you met her _in_ SHIELD. As in you’re pretending to be their agent. Am I correct Ward? Because if so then how am I supposed to trust you if you’re capable of reporting on the girl you fell for?”

He swallowed and closed his eyes. “You’re right but I would never do anything to endanger her life. And yours for that matter.”

“Doubtful,” I commented and pulled the blanket off slightly sitting up. He sat up right after me and sighed.

“Lily… you’re not going to get into any trouble because of me, I swear,” he said softly. I looked at him with frustration.

“Tell me then, how can you go there, to SHIELD, every day and pretend you’re their friend, maybe even family, while you’re spying on them?” I asked with my eyes fixed on him. I knew he felt hurt but I couldn’t care less.

“Who said I’m pretending the friends part?” he replied calmly.

“It won’t matter for them when they discover the truth and believe me, they will,” I hissed. I regretted my action immediately knowing he could go to Pierce anytime and tell him I was planning on ditching.

However he simply nodded. “You want out?”

I arched my eyebrow. “I think I should stop opening up to you, Ward,” I replied calmly. _Damn it, I considered you a friend!_ I felt as if he could be spying on me for all I knew. “I’m sorry but I’m not sure you don’t consider me your weakness.”

He smiled to me. “I do but the one Garrett will never know about.”

I was utterly confused and surprised by his words. “He doesn’t know about this?” I motioned around the room meaning our affair.

Ward shook his head. “I didn’t tell him,” he replied standing up and putting his pants on. He walked around the room picking up our clothes. When he was finished he placed my clothes on the bed beside me and put his shirt and socks on. After he was done dressing he looked at me carefully. “Look, I can imagine you don’t feel like trusting me again, if you ever did that is. So I’m proposing we do like this. We’re going to go our separate ways from now on since I’m assuming this,” he gestured to my naked body and then himself. “will never happen again. Especially considering I noticed you have somewhat of a thing for the Winter Soldier that is surprisingly mutual,” I froze at his words. Another secret I had to be afraid of him revealing. “Don’t worry, I’m not a gossiper. Your secret is safe with me. Anyways, you and him and your escape plan is your own business from now on. And so is me and Skye so I’d appreciate if you kept the romance part to yourself. If you ever need any help from me feel free to ask, but… I guess what we had here, whatever it was, it’s done. What do you think?”

I kept looking at him processing his words. He was right. I agreed with everything he said so I nodded slowly. Even though he turned out to be a traitor, I knew I would miss _whatever it was we had_. I felt disgusted with myself. _Hydra has a horrible impact on me._ “Agreed.”

He nodded and was ready to head for the exit however he turned to face me one more time. He gave me a quick once-over and then leaned towards me cupping my face and kissing me passionately for what I assumed was the last time. I returned the kiss and deepened it. It was a perfect kiss however I couldn’t shake the feeling Winter’s was better…

When he pulled off he kissed my forehead and left without saying a word. I was left alone in a dark room with my scary thoughts. I needed to come up with a plan and quickly. I didn’t know if I could trust him so I needed to have a way out of this mess if he decided to share his information with his so-called father figure.

I sighed and started dressing. I needed to leave that room as quickly as possible to avoid any suspicions. When I was fully dressed I fixed the blanket on the bed and headed to the door. I felt dirty and untrustworthy after everything that happened. I needed to get out of that place. My worst nightmares were coming true yet something kept me there. Or rather someone… And I knew exactly who that was. I needed to get him out as well. He was vulnerable without any knowledge of who he actually was. If he knew he was Captain America’s best friend and would be protected at all cost, he wouldn’t stay here any longer. I had to tell him the truth even if he would think I’m lying and try killing me. He had the right to know. I left the room with a certain agenda and I wouldn’t stop at anything to achieve it.

Make the Winter Soldier remember.

Save Sergeant Bucky Barnes.


	5. Part 1: Hydra: The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily was caught going through Hydra's important records and Pierce determines her as a threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is written from Bucky's point of view and I hope it gives a little bit of insight into his way of thinking.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Digging into Hydra’s files wasn't the smartest choice of my life. However it was made and I couldn't undo it. Even if I could, would I? Knowing who he was held more importance for me than simply letting everything Pierce did slide._

_Even though now I was destined to die and be tortured and torn into millions of pieces, I was prepared to make that sacrifice._

_I never thought I would be prepared to sacrifice my life for someone else’s._

_I guess I was wrong._

 

“And there she is, the beauty!” Pierce exclaimed happily taking Lily out of the hold of another agent. He smiled awfully at me and I froze seeing her eyes heavy and fogged. _They drugged her._ “Am I right, Winter?”

 I pulled on the leather straps that were holding my hands to the chair trying to tear them apart. I couldn't let them lay a hand on her. I had to stop them. Pierce was going to make her suffer unbelievably and I couldn't let that happen. What struck me as a surprise was the fact that she wasn't struggling that much against his grip. She seemed as if whatever they gave her affected her mobility.

“Oh what do we have here? Lovers? Or just plain devotion?” Pierce teased happily and I growled at him pulling the straps constantly and with more urge. He laughed viciously.

“Let. Her. Go,” I hissed from deep down my throat. It only made Pierce more curious. I considered pretending to play the game as if I had no idea who she was but I bet they had some proof of our relation.

“Oh I don’t think so,” he replied stroking her cheek at which she flinched. I clenched my fists and tightened my jaw glaring furiously at Pierce. “You see, we caught her going through some extremely protected files and as you know it’s not allowed here. Hydra doesn’t tolerate traitors,” he explained with a pretended sigh and then looked at us both with curiosity. “And since I can see there’s something going on here as well, that’s another reason to get rid of her.”

At those words I pulled on the straps stronger than ever. I knew exactly what getting rid of meant in Hydra's dictionary. He was planning on killing her in the most painful ways. I shook my head keeping my eyes fixed at her trying to reassure her that I would do everything to stop that. She simply gave me a sad smile. She knew what was coming as well...

“And it’s also a perfect opportunity for you to learn that there’s no one you can trust and rely on,” he added and kept his eyes fixed on my while he lowered his hand to unzip Lily's suit. I froze at his movement and then anger took over. _Why couldn't I tear those damned straps?_ He unzipped her suit down until the middle of her abdomen. Her black laced bra was showing and I could see her shiver at what _could_ happen next. I knew Pierce wanted to make her suffer but _that_ was too much. “You’re going to watch her suffer unbelievable and extreme pain. You’re going to hear her cry in agony. And then you’re going to watch her bleed until her heart stops beating and she collapses lifelessly to the floor. We are going to cut her to pieces right in front of your eyes and _that_ is going to teach you a lesson.” After his terrifying speech he smiled and clapped his hands making everyone in the room jump except for me. I had my eyes fixed on him anticipating the moment I would be able to lay my hands on him. _I_ would make _him_ suffer. He just became number one on my list of people I'd rather see dead.

One of the agents, the one that brought Lily into the room, walked over to Pierce and grabbed Lily by her arms. The grip was very strong since I could see her wince in pain and glance at her arm. I made a mental note of how the man looked like and added him to my list as well. Pierce walked over to the table with syringes and many other various medical equipment and picked up... a knife. I kept pulling on the straps hoping they would let loose however they seemed to be strong.

“No, no, no,” I kept saying constantly as Pierce was approaching Lily looking at the knife with an undue interest. However Pierce didn't seem to bother with me screaming for him to stop. If anything, he was quite enjoying it. When he reached Lily I held my breath begging for the worst not to happen. All of a sudden, he brought the knife to her throat and made a deep cut from the front of her shoulder until the collarbone. She screamed mercilessly and I couldn't stand it. I could feel tears forming in my eyes seeing her excruciating pain. She, on the other hand, was visibly crying from the torture he was giving her. The tears rolled down her cheek and the blood started dripping from the wound staining her pure ivory skin scarlet red. I felt a gulp forming in my throat and I was forced to swallow hard watching her fight for another breath. I felt useless and helpless. I couldn't save her, I _should_ be able to.

“Oh and I forgot to mention, we injected her something to make her relax,” Pierce said suddenly but I kept my eyes on her. He laughed. “Apparently it also makes one bleed more and become more… _sensitive.”_

At that I looked up at him in terror. _What? “_ You’re a monster.”

“No, you are,” Pierce shouted pointing the knife at me. “And you need to accept that and realize that you cannot have any sort of meaningful affiliation with anyone.”

“You… are… not… a monster,” Lily gasped after she tried to calm down slightly. Her entire face was wet from tears. My heart broke. She looked me straight in the eyes. “Don’t listen to him… please.”

I couldn't believe she was doing it. She was being sliced like a fruit because of me yet she refused to believe it was my fault. She kept having faith in me, hope. I gave her the warmest look I could possibly achieve at that moment. The only thing I felt when I was looking at her was... _love._

“Oh, that is something indeed!” Pierce exclaimed and walked towards her taking her out of the other agent's grasp. Then he made his way with her towards me and I froze wondering what he wanted to do. He brought her close to me almost pushing her on my chest. She was so close that the blood from her wound was dripping onto my naked chest. At each drop I felt more guilt. If I hadn't come to her yesterday night, she would be safe... “Anything else you want him to know? Any last words?”

“You’re not a monster,” she mouthed looking at me in pain however her eyes were warm and kind. I just wanted to grab her, hold her close and tell her everything was going to be okay. Even though I knew it wouldn't...

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” I breathed with my voice breaking while shaking my head and a tear rolled down my cheek. It was an unknown sensation to me, crying. However her pain made me cry and I wasn't ashamed. I couldn't stop looking into her beautiful eyes, even if it was the last time. Especially so. I wanted to remember her and what I made her endure. I tried to move my hands to at least graze across her skin. Any touch from her, that was what I needed. However, I couldn't reach...

“Are you really prepared to die for that soulless beast?” Pierce looked at her coming closer to us.

“Yes,” Lily choked out firmly despite still fighting the pain waves. “And he _has_ a soul…. unlike you.” The last two words granted her being pushed so that her back was on my chest and Pierce made a cut that was starting in the middle of her chest right until her right breast reaching the part that was uncovered by her bra. He flipped her over and she cried out while the blood spilled onto my body. I couldn't stand her screaming. The feeling I got from it was indescribable and I wanted to soothe her and make her feel no pain at all. I hissed and glared at Pierce ready to beg him to kill me instead of her however I knew I was an _asset_ he wasn't prepared to lose. Lily kept crying feverishly and I tried to move my hands to somehow protect her from Pierce. She inhaled rapidly and tried to look into my eyes but he grabbed her violently and pushed her onto the floor which resulted in another one of her cries and my heart breaking again.

“I think we might try something slightly unconventional to make you believe that she is not _yours,”_ Pierce contemplated looking at her as if she was an animal he could experiment on. I felt disgusted by him.

“I am,” Lily said hoarsely and I stopped breathing at her words. Pierce, however, looked truly amused by that statement.

“Are you sure about it, sweetheart?” Pierce asked warmly looking at her with a smile.

She looked up rolling herself on the back with a wince. She gave him a disgusted glare. “I am not your sweetheart.”

Pierce laughed viciously still smiling at her. “Of course, you’re his, right?” he pointed at me and I clenched my fists. “Well then, let's make him watch his sweetheart scream in pain again, shall we? Or maybe we should try _pleasure_?”

At his last words Lily tried to crawl as far away from him as possible. I, on the other hand, started using my metal arm to break the strap. _It couldn't be that strong. “_ Don't you dare to touch her!”

Pierce ignore me and grabbed Lily pulling her up. She winced in pain and looked at me helplessly. The look she gave me made me shiver. I was useless and pathetic being unable to help her.

Suddenly Pierce brought a knife to her throat and made a deep cut making her open her mouth while choking. I screamed loudly looking at her eyes becoming more blurry with each second. Her body slid against Pierce's however he kept her up and stabbed her again, that time in the lower abdomen. She didn't even make any sounds at that point. I kept shouting and pulling on the straps holding me down. My face was wet from tears and sweat and I could smell her blood on my chest and across the room. She looked at me one last time and mouthed something I couldn't understand. Then her eyes shut, Pierce let her go and her body fell lifelessly to the floor.

I kept screaming even though my throat was giving up. My vision went black and my heart was beating faster with each second. I wasn't able to name what I was feeling but it was overwhelming and it killed me inside. I kept my eyes focused on her body on the floor and I kept repeating her name, more like pleas.

“Right, so much blood...” I could hear Pierce saying however his words made no sense. He sounded as if he was far away, his voice muffled. “Well, get her out of here,” he spoke to some agents in the corner. Then he turned his attention back to me. “You should hope she's truly dead because if not then my boys will have some fun with her,” I clenched my fists at his words not letting my eyes off of her as the two agents brutally dragged her body outside of the room. “And look at the bright side, in couple of minutes you won't even remember she existed.” I froze. _No._ I started struggling again. I couldn't forget her. _No._ “Wipe him,” He spoke to the scientists standing stiffly in the corner.

The man's eyes widened at Pierce's command. “But he's been out of cryo for too long... it might kill him...” he tried to reason with the man and I was thankful for it. I could never forget her.

“Wipe. Him. Now,” Pierce ordered looking at the doctor with fury. “If he remembers, he's useless to us anyway.”

I tried to move away from him when he made his way towards me hesitantly. “No, please, I'm begging you, don't do it,” I begged the doctor. He looked at me with an almost sorry expression.

“I'm sorry but I have a family,” he whispered to me and then placed the electrodes on my chest and my head.

I closed my eyes and with heavy breathing put my head on the back of the chair. I kept inhaling deeply trying to focus all my energy on remembering her. Her sweet smile, her kind eyes, her soothing touch, her passionate kisses, the way her body felt against mine, the way her warm ivory skin felt under my calloused fingers, her smooth black hair and my fingers tangled in it, her rosy lips on mine... All the memories I had of her kept flooding through my brain. The doctor kept telling me something however I had only one imagine in my head.

The first wave of pain in my head came and I kept thinking about her ignoring it. The way she could calm me down no matter what, her constant and uninterrupted faith in me, the way I could crawl into her bed at night and simply wrap my arms around her and she would sleepily snuggle her back into my chest, the lovely sounds she made when we were making love for the first time, her sweet taste on my lips, her small hands on my chest, her slim fingers in my hair...

Another wave and I fought hard _not_ to forget. The first moment we met, her piercing yet comforting eyes, telling me who I really was in spite of knowing I could hurt her, the heartbreaking empathy she had for every innocent that was to be killed on our missions, the way she would sneakily let some of them escape thinking I didn't notice, her patience after every wipe I had...

_All of her._

Then suddenly the pain was gone. I opened my eyes and the doctor removed the equipment off of me. I glanced at him and then at Pierce.

“Is he wiped?” Pierce questioned the scientist. He nodded firmly still shaking from the bloodshed he had seen few minutes ago.

_Her sweet smile._

“Good. Prep him for the next mission.” He turned his attention to me. “You're being of a huge help.”

_Her kind eyes._

With these words and a smile he left the room giving a nod to the terrified scientist who replied with the same.

_Her soothing touch._

I looked around still confused about what happened. The doctor was wandering around and then I realized I didn't have the straps on me anymore. I smiled to myself.

_Her passionate kisses._

The scientists looked at me and froze seeing my smile. I stood up and made few quick steps to him. “You let them do it to her,” I hissed grabbing his throat.

He shook his head. “I... I... I had no choice, he would kill me,” the doctor defended himself in panic but then his face started showing pure confusion. “Wait, you... you remember? That's impossible...”

_Her body..._

I smiled at him again. I loosened the grip on his neck and took a step back nodding towards the door leading outside the compound. “Go to your family,” I said to the doctor. “And never come back.” His eyes widened and he nodded his head rapidly and mouthed a quick 'thank you' before running out.

_Her compassion..._

I looked towards the door that Pierce left through and started taking firm steps grabbing my gun and a tactical vest on the way. I pushed the door with a clear idea of what my _real_ next mission was.

To kill Pierce.

I left the room with only one thought on my mind.

The woman I loved _._


	6. Part 1: Hydra: The Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter in all in Natasha's point of view which, to be honest, I enjoyed writing a lot. I hope you guys will enjoy reading it as well.
> 
> Have a nice evening, you all!

_“Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.”_  
~~ Lao Tzu

 

“So what do you want to do now, sweep the warehouse?” Clint asked after a moment putting his bow and arrows on his back. I nodded slowly and felt unease. Something was most definitely wrong and my partner could sense my state of alarm. “What’s wrong, Tasha?”

I shook my head. “Not quite sure but I think someone’s here,” I whispered lowering my body to look below the separate compartments. Barton followed my movements immediately and reached his hand slowly to grasp his bow, ready to make a shot. However I felt that wouldn’t be necessary. “Can you smell that?” I asked quietly when the sharp metallic smell filled my nostrils.

Clint nodded slowly taking a firmer grip on his bow. “Blood,” he looked around but we were completely alone. “Do you think Hydra left some rotting body from a recent kill?”

I shook my head hesitantly. Something was off. “No, it… it feels differently. We both know damn well that blood doesn’t emit such a smell unless it’s…”

“Someone that’s not dead,” he finished my sentence letting go of his bow and straightening his back. Then he looked at me with a frightened expression. “Yet.”

I nodded quickly and clenched my fists. “You go right and take the left.” Usually Barton would start a huge argument about him recruiting me and then me being bossy and barking orders however that time he simply nodded and ran in the appointed direction. He knew as well as I did that if someone as alive, we needed to find that person as quickly as possible. It could be an innocent or Hydra. Either way there would be some valuable intel we could gather if we got to them in time. And judging by the dull smell spreading around the warehouse, time was the thing we didn’t have.

I looked around the corner making sure there are no more unexpected visitors wandering around and then started walking in a quick-pace towards the front.

Apparently Hydra was in a desperate hurry when leaving that place since finding the exact place I was looking for took me seconds. The door was ajar and I could see a huge pool of blood flowing under it. The blood turned dark red which meant one of the main arteries was broken and in addition the size of the puddle was enormous. I swallowed hoping it wasn’t too late. I pushed the door slightly and shouted Clint’s name when my eyes landed on the victim.

It was a girl.

She was lying on the floor lifelessly with her arms spread. Her body looked as if someone had dumped her there after inflicting the wounds and I had to hold the disgust for Hydra I was feeling. Her face was pale with few bloody spots marked on it. Her lips were white and that in connection with her not moving chest made me wonder whether she was alive. Her long black hair were lying in the pool of blood making her look mortifying.

I made few swift movements towards her in order to assess the harm she endured. Her collarbone up to her arm were cut and her throat slit slightly however the major cause of the blood loss was a stab wound in her lower abdomen. I quickly applied pressure on the wound.

Clint ran into the room looking at me with his lips parted. “What the hell? Hydra can’t clean?” I glared at him angrily. He wasn’t moving at all. “What are you doing, Tasha?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I replied angrily pressing hard on her abdomen. “Trying to save her life.”

“What for?” he asked and I couldn’t believe what I heard in that moment. I knew we were assassins however we weren’t soulless and I wasn’t about to let someone die because of our ‘disagreement’ with Hydra. “She’s obviously one of them, look at her clothes.” I did. He was right. She was wearing a tight black suit with two guns strapped to her thighs. She must have been one of them, no doubt, but the why had they left her there? I glanced at her face. She couldn’t be older than us, probably around my age. She looked… _innocent._ And that wasn’t something I would ever say about anyone from Hydra. Moreover there was something about her that made me want her alive… “Let her go, Natasha.”

“No,” I refused firmly. “And you’re going to come over here and help me.”

“No,” he said as firmly as I did. “There’s no point in saving an enemy.”

“She’s just a girl and if they left her here, then there must be a reason. Don’t you want to know?” I tried reasoning with him but then I looked up at him and into his eyes. “We’re not murderers,” I whispered.

At that Barton sighed and walked over to us. “What if one day she’ll come back to us and will put a knife under our throats?” he asked lazily uncovering her shoulder to examine the wound there.

I grinned at him. “Then I’ll take her down myself. Promise.”

Clint chuckled and shook his head but also moved her head to the side to look at her. He sighed and lowered his head to see whether she was breathing. “Is she alive?” I asked hopefully.

“Barely,” he answered standing up. “We need to get her to some medical center. Probably better use the SHIELD one,” he suggested and then lowered himself to pick the girl up. I had to stop applying pressure for the time being when he was carrying her. I looked down at my hands all covered in her wet and sticky blood. “Fury will have your head for it.”

I looked at Clint and furrowed my eyebrows. “I take him on me. You’re safe.”

“Not what I’m worried about,” he muttered glancing at the unconscious girl in his arms.

I knew exactly what he was worried about but I for some reason I needed her alive. I had a feeling she would be of enormous help to use in the fight against Hydra. Moreover I knew they would never leave an assassin, and I was pretty convinced that was who she was, bleeding unless she betrayed them.

****

Her hand flinched.

It could be simply a reflex reaction, just like the doctor said. However he also mentioned that she should awake relatively soon due to some drug in her bloodstream. Likewise her wounds were all healed. All except for the one on her shoulder.

I kept my eyes focused on her. Her hands were handcuffed to the hospital bed. Fury’s orders. Personally I doubted she would cause any trouble in her state or in general, to be honest. I had a feeling about her that I wanted to check.

Her eyebrows furrowed and she winced quietly at that action. I looked up doubling my attention on her. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around. When her deep blue eyes met mine she froze. What shocked me was the fact that she wasn’t afraid, she was only confused about where she was. She opened her mouth however no sound came out. I stood up and poured some water in a plastic cup. I could feel her eyes on me, following my every movement. I turned back to her and extended the cup to her. She looked at me hesitantly but the thirst took over. She tried to raise her hand to grip the cup however her hand came back to the bed with a rasping sound and she winced again. _I forgot about the handcuffs._

“Sorry about that, we kind of don’t trust you,” I replied professionally while bringing the cup to her mouth. She hesitated again eying me carefully but then took the water in her mouth thankfully. When she drained the whole cup, I placed it on the shelf next to her bed.

“A bit dramatic, wouldn't you say?” she said hissing in pain. “And what reason did I give you exactly?” she asked trying to sit up. Her voice was nice and calm however husky. American accent, probably a recruit from some assassin agency in the States.

“Well, you _were_ wearing a Hydra uniform when we found you,” I replied casually crossing my arms against my chest. She looked at me breathing strongly. She raised her hands up as far as the chain would let her and looked at me significantly.

“Do you mind?”

“What if you kill us all?”

She blew a raspberry. “If you’re Hydra then kill me already because I won’t hesitate.” Her eyes were piercing me and I was deeply shocked. She was a member of Hydra yet her tone was quite sincere. I eyed her for a while but then took a key out of my pocket. I released her from the handcuffs and she quickly brought her hands to her abdomen wincing in pain.

“Want me to get a nurse?” I asked.

She shook her head in a pained expression. Then she looked at me carefully. “Who are you?”

“I think it’s me who gets to ask the questions, don’t you think?”

“Not if you’re Hydra.”

“You keep saying that however you are the one that has an affiliation with them,” I replied in frustration. She was going to be a tough one.

She laughed slightly and then winced bringing her hand up to her abdomen again. “You won’t believe me,” she said quietly looking at her bandaged abdomen.

“Try me,” I said firmly arching my eyebrow at her. She looked up in confusion and she looked uncertain whether she should trust me. After a moment of eying me in all seriousness, she sighed deeply fixing her position on the bed.

“First tell me who you are,” she asked in an almost begging tone. Despite knowing she was a tough person, something about her eyes made me feel sorry for her. However the other part of my brain kept reminding me that it was exactly what Hydra did. Played with people’s emotions.

“Alright,” I nodded slightly hoping to see shade of evil in her but she was just a wounded girl at that moment. “I’m Agent Natasha Romanoff. SHIELD.”

At my words she froze. She gave me an once-over and then stopped her eyes at my face. “Black Widow,” she mumbled in disbelief. I nodded slightly puzzled. Her eyes opened widely and her lips parted. Then one corner of her lips flinched and after a moment she honestly smiled at me. “You’re alive.”

I narrowed my eyes and glared at her in frustration. I was _always_ able to survive. What did she mean by it? “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I?”

She shook her head as if she was trying to gather words. “They said they killed you but I never thought it’s true,” she replied with a soft smile. Her entire posture seemed to relax despite the obvious pain she was enduring. “You said SHIELD, right?”

“Yeah, it’s a protective agency unlike Hydra,” I teased her a bit but not in a rude way. She seemed to open up and I didn’t want to lose it.

She nodded at my words and looked in the space, her face expressing sadness. Then she whispered back “I know. However I didn't know it was Hydra at first. They gave me some lame cover name and said they're helping people. I bought it for some reason. I guess I didn't have anything else to do with myself.”

I looked at her understanding her feelings very well. I was a former Soviet so I didn't get to judge her a whole lot. We both made terrible mistakes, but from what I had gathered hers were a lot lesser than mine. “I understand,” I said quietly. “You can't undo the things you've done. But you can make better choices in the future, you know.”

She looked up at me and smiled sadly. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”

I looked at her carefully trying to assess her personality. She gave me a warm smile however I could see pain behind it. She wasn't in the best form at that moment due to the pain she endured while back in Hydra. That reminded me of what I was supposed to question her about. “Why did Hydra do that to you if you were one of them?”

“Well...” she started sitting up on a bed. I considered helping her but decided otherwise not to make her feel uncomfortable, or mostly myself. She winced in pain, but was able to sit properly without any help on my part. She was definitely resilient. “They decided I was a traitor and that I wanted Hydra gone.”

“Did you?” I asked arching an eyebrow at her questioningly. I had warmed up to her in that short time of our conversation however I knew I couldn't base my trust solely on that feeling. Besides Fury needed me to find out what she knew and who she truly worked for. There was no way she simply changed her mind about Hydra's true intentions.

“Yes, in their definition of that word,” she replied withstanding my piercing eye contact. She was acting as if she truly was against Hydra... “I went through their secret files. I knew too much and helped their main asset realize that he was a human and that they were using him for their own agenda. Therefor they decided to dispose of me, if you could say that.”

“Who was that?” I asked curious of who was Hydra's major weapon those days.

She looked at me unconvinced. “Hmm, I'm not sure if I trust you enough to tell you his name,” she answered hesitantly. That shocked me. No one ever felt _that_ sort of devotion to one of Hydra's. Maybe she really wasn't anyone dangerous... Nevertheless I could see there was plenty she wasn't telling me and I needed to know why.

“Are you sure you want to risk your life for whoever that person is?” I asked in the politest way possible. She chuckled bitterly as if remembering something.

“Yes,” she said after a moment looking me straight in the eyes. “Always.”

That made me laugh slightly. _Now that makes sense..._ “Lover?”

She looked at me furrowing her eyebrows. “He's a good man that's being used by them for a long time. They lied to him about his true identity and brainwashed him after every mission so that he would be happy to _comply,”_ she spoke firmly articulating each word to convey her message.

I looked at her surprised. She was an interesting person, I had to admit. There was nothing about her that seemed usual or typical. She was a member of Hydra, yet not by morals. She wanted to save their asset even at the cost of her own life and she wouldn't tell me his name in order to _keep him safe._ She was quite something... “I need to know something more,” I said after a moment trying to reason with her. She was being too secretive for Fury's taste. She needed to tell me something that would make him convinced of her innocence or at least her good intentions from that moment forward.

“No can do, sorry,” she replied straightening her back and wincing in pain. “Besides something tells me that your boss, or whoever you’re going to tell this information to, knows exactly who I’m talking about.” She look me straight in the eyes and I held her gaze. Was she insinuating Fury was a liar? Well, I guess she wasn’t far off but that wasn’t a way to get her trust.

Something in her behavior made me wonder if the person she encountered wasn’t Winter but I kept that bit of information to myself.

For now.


	7. Part 1: Hydra: The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is back with Lily's point of view as she is in S.H.I.E.L.D. for the first time. Director Fury makes an appearance as well as all the Avengers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who actually follow the story! I couldn't be happier and if you have any comments or input, please don't hesitate!
> 
> Enjoy!

I could still few some minor pain in my abdomen however I told my nurse I felt fine so she would let me out. After that there was a SHIELD agent at my side all the time. They said it was for protection but I knew they didn't trust me and quite honestly I couldn't blame them. I did work for Hydra for two months and the fact that I didn't know its true identity didn't change much in my opinion. Despite that their director requested a meeting with me. Alone. I couldn't lie, I was worried of his reaction. I knew one of the possible outcomes of our conversation would be putting me in prison for affiliation with Hydra however I hoped there was something else we could work out.

Black Widow, or as I was told by her partner, Natasha Romanoff was walking in front of me leading me towards the office of Director Fury, SHIELD Level 10 Agent. Her partner, however, was less trustful towards me than her. He kept eying me carefully and the glares that he was sending me were piercingly terrifying. After a moment we stopped walking and Natasha turned to me and asked to wait a second. Her partner stayed with me, obviously. I started to become annoyed with his eyes constantly fixed on me so I returned the glare. “Something wrong?”

He shook his head slowly. “You don't look like Hydra.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at that. _That's something new._ “Well, I never really knew it was Hydra. When I found out, I left,” I explained. I needed them to trust me for some reason. He seemed like a good person with an open mind therefor I hoped he would believe in my highly unlikely yet true story.

He gave me a look of hesitation. “Left... Interesting choice of words since we found you in a pool of your own blood, unconscious,” he commented and I sighed deeply.

“Well, that's the way Hydra deals with traitors.”

“Traitors?” he caught my word immediately.

“I dug into their top security files and found out about all the dirty details they were hiding. Pierce found me and, well, he wasn't too happy,” I smirked at the memory of his angered face. “He decided to make an example of me for the rest. It was a rather horrid show.”

The agent gave me a saddened look that caught me off guard. He sighed and shook his head. Afterwards he extended his arm towards me. “Clint Barton. Hawkeye.”

I was surprised at his sudden change of behavior but took his hand gratefully. “Lily Crawford.”

He gave me a sad smile. “Pleasure.” Then he glanced at me one more time. “Look, no one here is against you but you need to understand that we recently found out that plenty of SHIELD agents that we trusted for many years turned out to be Hydra spies. Now, we have few of our own among Hydra's ranks however we're not sure if people like you are not trying to gain information. Do you feel me?”

I nodded. I felt him more than a little. If I were in their shoes, I wouldn't want me around either. “Then why am I still here?”

“Because one of our top agents in Hydra said you're on our side,” Barton replied with a playful grin I couldn't decode. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“You probably can't tell me his name, right?” I asked with a sweet smile.

He replied with the same and shook his head. “Sorry, sweetheart. You're going to have to ask Fury.”

At those words Natasha stepped out of the room and motioned for me to come inside. “Good luck,” she said with a soft smile and I swallowed hard.

Both of them gave me looks of pity and I felt as if whoever was behind that door could easily be an assassin. However I didn't have much choice so I stepped inside inhaling deeply.

The room was beige with some blue highlights. Professional like the entire building and had a huge desk in the middle. _Holy shit._ There were three chairs at the table. One at the other side turned to face the window and two placed close to each other right next to me. I cleared my throat wondering what I should do. I almost jumped when the big chair turned around and revealed a person sitting on it. I inhaled again trying to remain calm and observed the man.

He had black clothes on him with a long dark coat. However the oddest thing about him was the eye-patch that was covering his left eye. I swallowed again feeling the tension in the room rising as he was giving me an once-over with his narrowed eye. After that he stood up too dramatically for my taste and started walking towards me. I had to suppress the urge to step back when he finally came closer to me. He had brown eyes that were fixed on me. He was bald and had a dark skin. He didn't look pleasant but neither evil.

“Director Nick Fury of SHIELD,” he introduced himself in a low voice that made me shudder. “And you are Lily Thraves. Formerly associated with Hydra.”

I nodded agreeing completely. I liked how he said associated since I didn't consider myself a real part of it. “That's correct.”

He nodded and motioned towards the chair seemingly less tensed. “Please take a seat.” I considered saying that I could stand but simply sat down knowing it wouldn't end well. To my genuine surprise, he took the chair right next to me instead of the one across the table. His face seemed nicer than right after I stepped into the room. “So how are you feeling? I heard you took quite the beating.”

I arched my eyebrow at his kindness. “Hmm, I'm better, thank you,” I replied.

He nodded in agreement. “That's good. So... we need to discuss what to do with you,” he said after a moment and I sighed in my mind. _Finally we're getting to the point._ “I have an offer for you that I hope you won't reject. However it's all up to you. Personally I don't see a threat in you so even if you choose not to take the offer, I let you go freely provided that you stay out of Hydra's reach and obviously out of any more trouble.” I furrowed my eyebrows listening to him carefully. “Anyhow I would love to see you taking the option one which is the offer. However there's a catch with this one. If you decide to take it, the two of us are going to sit in these chairs till it gets dark until you tell me _every_ detail of you working for Hydra. Every day since the moment you were offered a place among its agents. I even want you to take me through your childhood briefly. There's no privacy so if you had an affair with Alexander Pierce I need to hear about it. I can't take any more risks therefor I'm sorry for the inconvenience. However everything you tell me will stay behind the walls of that very room. Do you understand me?”

I looked at him deeply and sighed. Then I nodded. “Yes, sir.”

He nodded at me. “So what's your stand?”

I didn't hesitate at that one at all. “What's the offer?”

He looked at me with pride and the corners of his lips twitched upwards. “The offer is a SHIELD membership as an agent. Additionally since you're incredibly capable physically and you have far too many top priority information that I cannot have shared with anyone on the lower level, I would make an exception and make you a Level 10 Agent right away.”

I looked at him with my eyes widened in surprise. My mouth was probably opened but I couldn't care less. “Why... I mean, why would you do that? I was Hydra...”

“No,” he denied firmly looking straight into my eyes. “You never were. You were tricked into believing it was a good organization. You couldn't have known any better and when you found out, you decided to expose them even at the cost of your own life. These are the values of SHIELD. Hence the offer,” he said and he sounded as if he truly thought so. “So, do you take it?”

I took a moment to think about it. I knew what I wanted to say but I needed to be sure I could truly do it. After a long while I answered. “Yes.”

He smiled at me and passed a glass of water. “Good. So let's start.”

I sighed and took a deep breath starting with my date of birth, borderline pathological family and my teen years in Denmark. Then I skipped to moving to United States and studying engineering and biochemistry. I told him everything I considered useful during my college years and then when Hydra found me.

“Which cover name they used?” Fury asked paying close attention to my story.

“Защита,” I replied realizing it was probably one of many they used throughout the years.

Fury nodded. “That's a new one. Ironical as well.”

I couldn't disagree with him. “They kept it a secret from me at all times. I only found out when I went through their secret files,” I added.

“Did you find anything interesting?” he asked looking at me while narrowing his eyes.

“Well, most of them were files about the Winter Soldier and his identity,” I said slowly looking at him with interest. I was wondering whether he and SHIELD knew about him.

He nodded. “Were you able to look into those files?” he asked me and his face was emotionless. I found it suspicious but decided to let it go for now.

“Yes,” I answered and when he was waiting for the name I decided to give it to him knowing Steve Rogers was in the building and at least he deserved to know. “James Buchannan Barnes.” Still no emotions on his face. “He was Steve Roger's childhood friend. He thought Bucky died when falling off the train however Hydra took him and turned him into his puppet. You didn't know?”

He shook his head however a bit too unconvincingly for my taste. Again, maybe I was overreacting due to the stress and trauma I had recently endured. “We didn't know,” he said. “Well, I think you've proved yourself now.” He reached into his pocket and took out an ID card with SHIELD's logo embroidered on top of it along with the badge. I looked at him confused. “That's for you. Welcome to SHIELD.”

I took the items and opened the card. It had my photo and name on it along with LEVEL 10 AGENT imprinted next to it. I smiled at him. “Thank you. But I thought you wanted to know every single detail.”

“I believe that if there was something I should be aware of, you'd inform me. Am I correct?” he asked me arching his eyebrow. I nodded in response. “However I have one more thing to ask of you. You see, we had plenty of agents turning out to be Hydra all along. I have few more suspicions that I would like you to take a look at and tell me if you have ever seen them in Hydra.”

“Of course,” I agreed and he placed few photos in front of me. I looked at all the pictures carefully. I knew that if there was someone I'd seen in Hydra I'd recognize them. I had a good memory for faces. After a while I recognized someone. Collins. “This one,” I pointed at the picture.

He smiled widely. “Good.”

“How's that good?” I asked in disbelief.

“He's my top man in Hydra,” he explained and I was more confused than ever. “He's supposed to be visible.”

“Him?” I asked with irritation. “That's impossible!”

“He was the one to tell me you're trustworthy,” Fury added seeing my angered face expression. I was in pure shock.

“That's insane,” I breathed continuing looking through the photos. Then I saw Ward and my mind went blank. Part of me wanted to keep that particular information for myself however I knew lying wasn't such a good idea. That guy, even though he only had one eye, seemed to see and know everything. I sighed deeply and tried to tell myself I wasn't being a traitor. “And him.”

“Good, that was a test,” he said after a moment. “We already uncovered him as Hydra.”

I looked at him in shock. “What happened to him?”

“Currently he went AWOL and we are unable to locate him. However we're on it as we speak,” he explained. I couldn't decide if I was relived he was alive or if I was angry and betrayed by his latest actions. I decided on a mixture of both.

I sighed in resignation. “No one else.”

“Okay, thank you,” he took the photos away from me and put them back in a casebook that was lying on the table. After that he looked at me again. “There are going to be few people that you've met before in the debriefing room that we're going to head to soon. I assumed it would be good if you knew upfront.” I nodded and waited for the list of people that wanted me dead. “I knew you were at the university were Dr. Banner used to lecture so working with him shouldn't be much of a problem for you, should it?” I shook my head not even bothering to ask why he was there. “Fitz. Your fellow engineering student that got all excited hearing your name. I hope, for his sake, you remember him as enthusiastically as he does you.” I smiled and nodded again. “Good. Then there would be Hunter Lance. You've met once as bounty hunters. Tony Stark. No need for further explanation there, I assume. And the two that are waiting for you outside, Agent Romanoff and Barton that took quite the appreciation of you which doesn't happen at all especially that quickly.”

I nodded knowing everyone he mentioned but got a nice surprise when he said about Romanoff and Barton. I assumed their intentions were to kill me at first sight. Maybe I was misjudging everyone...

Fury clapped his hands and stood up which made me do the same instantly. He motioned towards the door and I obliged, him right after me. When we exited the room Natasha gave me an once-over and Barton smiled widely. “Take her to the debriefing area.”

Both of the agents nodded and when Fury walked away they gave me a significant look.

“So... what happened?” Barton was the first one to break the silence.

I showed them the ID card I got and Natasha instantly placed an arm around me making me walk along with her. “I'm happy for you. Now I will have another women in the Avengers. You have no idea how men-driven it can be at times,” she complained giving her partner a meaningful look.

Barton only laughed and walked on my other side. I realized what she had just said and confusion came upon my face. “Wait... what do you mean the Avengers? It just means I'm SHIELD...”

Barton sighed and took the badge from me. He pointed at a small writing at the bottom of the logo and I narrowed my eyes to see what it said. When the realization came to me I froze. It had _Avenger_ neatly written on it. “What? Why?”

Natasha chuckled at my confused reaction. “Well, you need to be voted for to be a member of Avengers and you basically got a yes from everyone.”

With each passing minute in that building I felt more confused and shocked. How could anyone say yes for me being a member after what I'd done? “How come everyone said yes?”

“Well, Bruce said you were a wonderful and kind student, there's your first yes,” Barton said counting on his fingers. “The second one, Stark, he saw your picture and thought you're sexy. His words. Also he remembered you from the short period you worked with him. He said you got some skills and I hope he meant engineering.” At that he gave me a wink, Natasha blew a raspberry close to my ear and shook her head while I continued to be in pure shock. “Then there's Steve. He said yes automatically after he heard you were helping out Barnes while in Hydra. He said he owes you forever and prepare yourself for his million questions about the Winter Soldier.” I froze at that. James. I needed to get him out of Hydra. He was probably still in there. Barton continued without noticing the change in my behavior or simply ignoring it. “Thor said yes when he heard you're helpful and kind. There's not much he needs. Banner apparently knew you before and vouched for you, just in case. And the two of us, well you can clearly see it, can't you?” Barton smiled widely exposing his set of white teeth while Natasha gripped my shoulders tightly in reassurance.

“Why are you all doing that?” I asked shaking my head. “I was Hydra.”

“Oh don't speak so highly of yourself,” Barton snorted giving me a disapproving look. “You were barely Hydra. No one here thinks you really were. Maybe except for May but that one has her own dirty secrets...”

Natasha gave Barton a pitiful look. “Let her be,” she looked at me. “She'll warm up to you.”

“And even if she doesn't, ignore,” Barton added sticking his tongue out at Natasha. Those two were childlike when not on a mission. “No one here trusts her either so she might be a bit jealous of you since everybody's going to trust you immediately.”

“We'll see about that,” I mumbled and both of them glared at me.

After a moment, much to my unwelcome surprise, Natasha pushed a huge door and stepped into a room without looking back at us. When I got to the threshold, I froze and stood there with my mouth opened. The entirety of the room was filled with people. I assumed all of them were agents or at least helpers of SHIELD. That was extremely far away from what Hydra made us believe about SHIELD and the Avengers. There were so many people willing to fight for the good cause. It made my heart feel warmer and I got my hope back for saving the world from everyone who was trying to destroy it. When I was looking around the room and my eyes met some of the people, most of them gave me a kind and encouraging smile. When I locked my eyes with Hunter's, he winked. It made me feel at ease again.

“You didn't expect that, did you?” Barton chuckled seeing my look of pure awe. He placed an arm around me and squeezed it. “What did they tell you back in Hydra?”

“Not that,” I whispered with my eyes widened still gazing at everyone gathered.

After a moment I could feel my balance shatter when someone jumped on me at my side and locked me in a tight embrace. For a second I was frightened that someone decided to attack me however when I noticed the puff of curly hair on the man's head I relaxed and returned the hug wholeheartedly. “Fitz.”

“Well, I'm glad to have my friend back,” he whispered into my arm and I could sense he was almost on the verge of crying.

I tightened our embrace and smiled closing my eyes and placing my head on his shoulder. “Me too,” I whispered soothingly.

After a moment he sniffed loudly and let go eying me carefully. He sighed and smiled widely at me gesturing to the gathered ones. “So, don't worry about anyone here. I bet they're no danger to you.”

“You bet?” I snorted with terror. I wasn't afraid of any of them, maybe except for Thor who was looking at me from the left side of the room where all of the Avengers, now joined by Natasha and Barton, were standing. In spite of that I didn't feel particularly keen on getting into a fight with anyone on the first day. Or ever for that matter.

“We mean no harm, Lady...,” Thor stepped forward heading towards me with a huge smile until he realized he had no way to refer to me.

“Lily,” I offered with a wide smile and extended my arm to him however he laughed at me and, to my surprise, brought me into a tight embrace at which I gasped and the rest in the room chuckled.

“Lady Lily. Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Thor replied happily in his old English accent and then let me go smiling childishly.

“Likewise,” I said returning the smile still a bit shocked.

Then another person joined in to the welcoming and I was terrified to see him. Captain Rogers stepped towards me and stopped very close. He kept looking at me carefully and I had no idea what was going through his mind. After a moment he gave me a meaningful nod and I understood immediately. I nodded back and it felt as if we could communicate with each other without any spoken words. After a long moment he extended his arm towards me and I took it gratefully. His handshake was firm yet warm. “Thank you.”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “There's no need to...”

“I don't think you realize how much...” he interrupted me however was unable to finish his own sentence. He took a deep breath and repeated more insistently that time. “Thank you.”

“I don't think _you_ realize,” I denied not letting him thank me for what I had done for Barnes. “I mean it. There's no need.”

“Fair enough,” he agreed after a long pause. Then he smiled at me warmly. “Welcome.” I smiled back seeing his lightened up features. He was easy on the eyes, I had to admit. His blond hair were smoothly combed still in the forties style however I could see the beginnings of some stubble growing on his face. His light blue eyes were kind but with pain. “Look, I hope after that we could find some time to talk,” he whispered to me and I nodded quickly. I knew exactly what he wanted to know.

“Of course.”

“Okay, okay, Capsicle, let her go,” I heard someone's familiar voice behind me. “Sweet cheeks, come here.” At that he took me into his embrace and I knew exactly who it was. I blew a raspberry however returned the hug. Tony Stark laughed and then let me go. “Good to have you back. Hope you're not all Hail Hydra now.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. “I guess we'll find out, won't we?”

Stark's eyes widened however the rest burst out into laughter. He glared me, gave me a pat on the back and walked away. _Well, this is going to be plenty of fun._ I turned around to see whoever was missing from my new team that I hadn't met and then my eyes caught a glimpse of Dr. Bruce Banner standing in the corner. He simply smiled at me but didn't come any closer. I smiled at him warmly. I was wondering if I offended him in any way the last time I saw him. However then I started to wonder what was the reason for him to actually be a part of the Avengers...

“Everyone listen up!” someone shouted entering the room and I recognized the voice of the man I was talking with for the past two hours. Fury entered the room in an overly dramatic way again and made his way towards the center of the room. He glared at everyone and then proceeded. “The situation is more difficult than we initially assumed. We probably have more agents that are Hydra spies among our own than we can imagine. Moreover we have the Winter Soldier to worry about.” At that I frowned. He was lost and terrified not a dangerous killing machine. “Now I'm not saying it's all bad. As of today we have more agents on our side than we had before.” With that he looked at me directing everyone’s attention towards me as well. “Agent Thraves is now a permanent member of the Avengers team and anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my ass.” Few giggles were audible there. “She had some valuable intel on Hydra that we can use to our advantage however due to me being quite effectively persuaded by few individuals present here, our main goal along with taking Hydra down is to find Sergeant Barnes and bring him home safely.” I sighed with relief and I could hear Steve did the same. We exchanged looks of worry and then looked back at Fury. “He might be in a delusional state but it is our mission to make him feel less threatened than he already is and stabilize his mental state. Is anyone having a problem with this one?” No one dared to speak up. Or no one wanted to. “Good. I'm going to leave you to it since I have another debriefing to conduct.” At those words his eyes turned to me. “And Agent Thraves, I would appreciate if you didn't shoot any agents you _think_ are Hydra because there are few top men I had in their ranks that are back in here today. Are we clear on this one?”

“Yes, sir,” I replied with a nod furrowing my eyebrows at him. He nodded in response and headed to the exit. After he left everybody returned to their previous occupations.

I looked around not exactly knowing what to do with myself. Everybody there was working with each other for a long period of time prior to me joining. I must had been the odd one out considering some of the stares I was receiving. Some of the major ones came from the dark-skinned man standing next to Fitz. When he noticed me looking at him, he smiled and walked towards me.

“You think I'm a spy?” I asked but formulated it more as a statement.

He laughed quite warmly at my assumptions and shook his head. “No, I'm sorry if I was staring,” he said happily. His brown eyes seemed kind and trustworthy. “It's just that you're one of the deadly beauty type if you know what I mean,” he added grinning at me and I relaxed at his words. _So he's simply wondering if I'm a 'nightmare in disguise'._ “I wanted to see if you can joke around or if that's gone.”

“Depends on the person and the topic,” I said with a serious face and he frowned at me.

“So... it's just me then?” he asked pretending to be offended.

“No, not really,” I said lazily. “Are you the winged one or are you the non-bragging descendant of Gaby Jones?” I asked and then added quickly. “And I'm really sorry I'm basing my assumptions on your skin color. I am not a racist of any kind, believe me. It's just that I know you must be one of them.”

He stared at me for a long moment with his eyes opened and I regretted even mentioning anything. However he simply burst out laughing and smiled at me widely. “You are something, aren't you? Yes, I'm the second one. The non-bragging one,” he answered smiling.

“Okay, I'm sorry though,” I added realizing that wasn't a very good first impression.

“No, no, no,” he quickly denied. “It's alright. It showed me who you really are pretty damn well.” I smiled at that relaxed again. “Welcome to SHIELD. The next couple of days are going to be awful so embrace yourself.”


	8. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Steve had a conversation about Bucky and how he's been doing in Hydra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter from now on will be set in S.H.I.E.L.D. and except for the current part 2, there'll be part 3 as well, but I won't tell you yet what it's called :-)
> 
> Enjoy and thank you for reading!

S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn’t as awful and egotistical as Hydra but it still wasn’t the best place to work in. Especially if primarily you were associated with the said Nazi organization. However I had no other option than to simply take it and enjoy the ones that actually had a pleasant attitude towards me. There wasn’t many of them but the number that existed matter to me a lot. All of the Avengers and Coulson’s team took a liking to me, except for Agent May but with being warned about it upfront made me feel better. It was good to have Fitz and Hunter back with me. We’d shared some experiences in the past and it was lovely to be able to catch up on that. They were also very understanding of my reasons to join Hydra, a bit too much if you asked me. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be treated as well as they treated me considering what I was capable of doing for someone as bad as Alexander Pierce.

On the other hand, there were plenty of examples of people who chose not to even give me a chance to show my true self. One of these people were no other than Sharon Carter, Peggy Carter’s niece. That I found quite interesting, clearly remembering the stories of Peggy’s forgiving nature and appreciation of people who fight for their friends, but apparently that sort of trait didn’t run in the family.

Therefore I decided to hide in a closed room and try to piece my thoughts together. I still didn’t discover what the serum I was supposedly injected with did to me. Deep inside I hoped the effects were temporarily, if they existed at all, since I had no intentions of being enhanced in any way. Especially given the fact that my past gave me clear reasons to believe I could be enhanced simply by nature.

The door to the room I was hiding in suddenly opened and I saw no one other than Captain America himself. He had a look of determination but hesitation as well engraved on his face. I arched my eyebrow at him.

“So how is he?” he spoke looking at me thoughtfully.

I sighed and decided not to play any games with him since I promised him on the day we met that we would have that conversation. “Oh, he's fine.”

He smiled and gestured towards a chair opposite me. I nodded and waited for him to sit down. “Thank you for not pretending you don't know who I'm talking about.”

“Well, I'm not that type,” I shrugged and leaned against the back of the chair.

“And what type are you?” he asked eying me carefully and clearly assessing.

“I'm the type that wants to save the man that kept saving my life multiple times when I foolishly tried to save the world while being a part of a Nazi organization. I want to get him out of there,” I admitted in hoped to get at least one person that would truly believe me in that place.

“Why?” he questioned and I sighed in irritation. He was being difficult.

“I just told you,” I replied in a resigned tone of voice.

“No, you told me a _part_ of it. I might be out of the time but I can see when someone's hiding something big from me,” he said and gave me a cocky smile that reminded me slightly of James. Who would had thought that Captain America had such a good bullshit detector? “Look, I assume you've met Fury and I suppose you can see he's not as honest as he claims to be but I'm not him. I can keep a secret and I would love to call you my friend. You'd be the first one here I have. No one trusts anyone in the SHIELD. Be the exception.”

I looked him deep in the eyes and saw nothing other than a pure care for his friend. He wanted him out as much as I did and I couldn’t stand seeing anyone else feel the same way as I did. I sighed and decided to open up to him. _Let’s see if he’s as honest and noble as he claims to be._ “There was something between us.”

“Romantic?”

“Yes,” I answered suddenly feeling embarrassed about my own feelings. I didn’t know why but I made a mental note to think about that later on.

“How long?” he continued with his interrogation.

“There's been two months since I joined in until they tried to kill me. So around one and half a month I guess.”

“Did he trust you?” he asked lowering his voice.

 _Huh,_ I thought. _How do you know whether someone like James trusts you?_ I decided to go with my instincts. “Well, I guess there's never a way of telling for sure but I think he did.”

He nodded and then his face expressed different set of emotions. Regret, pain, misery… I knew them all too well. “What was happening to him there?”

 _Oh no…_ “Captain, I...”

“Please, stop. First of all, call me Steve. Second of all, I need you to tell me everything. Good or bad. I need to know,” he insisted and his eyes were pleading me. I felt bad for him knowing very well he was blaming himself for what James had been through.

“They brainwashed him but I bet you know that part.” Steve nodded and I swallowed hard speaking quietly and trying to choose my words carefully. “Well, the day I got in was the first day after his recent wipe. And after I joined in and they got me into working with him, I made sure it never happened again.”

“Did it?”

“No. I'm pretty effective,” I replied with a lot of pride that he could clearly hear.

“How did you convince them not to wipe him?” he asked with true curiosity arching his eyebrow at me.

“The first time they blamed it on my naivety. However the next time they tried to be more persuasive in convincing me not to do it again,” I responded smiling bitterly at the memory of Pierce trying to ‘convince’ me not to help his main asset.

“I'm assuming they used violence,” Steve summed up and I could swear I heard concern and pity in his voice.

“You're assuming correctly.”

“If they kept hurting you, why were you helping him anyway?” he asked again furrowing his eyebrows clearly not understanding my reasoning at all.

“He deserved it.”

Steve smiled to me wholeheartedly and chuckled. “You love him.”

“I do,” I responded nodding.

“Why? Don't get me wrong, I love Bucky but that's not the man he used to be,” Steve said and I could see the conflict that was going through his head. I had the same one few weeks back.

“That's true however not entirely. There are still parts of Sergeant Barnes in him. Major ones. You just have to be patient enough to see it. Don't give up on him.” The last two sentences were mostly aimed at making him feel better and not losing hope. That was what was needed to save James.

However my encouraging phrases apparently weren’t necessary. “Never. When they took me out of the ice and I woke up... For a long time I wished they didn't. I still do. I should've died back then. And so should he. None of this should happen. He was supposed to live a long happy life. He was supposed to get married, have kids... He shouldn't have suffered all this pain because of me.”

“It's not your fault,” I replied getting closer to him in a consoling movement. He wasn’t at fault for anything that happened to James. He felt as if he failed him but that wasn’t true. James was willing to sacrifice himself for a lot of people he cares for even while being the Winter Soldier. I could only imagine how good of a person he was back in the forties.

“It is. If it wasn't for Captain America, he wouldn't even have been on that train,” Steve said looking at his palms. I could see he just took a painful trip down the memory lane and I was truly sorry for him. He didn’t deserve that.

“He would. For you,” I whispered in hoped of cheering him up. There was no point in putting the blame on anyone. It happened decades ago and didn’t matter anymore.

“I should have fallen instead of him...” Steve kept going as if he didn’t hear me say anything. Or perhaps he was simply choosing to ignore me…

“Capt... Steve,” I corrected myself in hope of making us closer. I learned that technique back in my Soviet Union days and it was very manipulative. Apparently you can never fully escape your past. “There's no point in blaming yourself now. It's not going to help James. We just need to find him and get him out of Hydra's reach.”

Steve snorted but looked back up at me. He smiled. “James, ha?”

I smiled back and looked down at my knees. “It was the first name I told him about. He asked me to call him that.”

“Did you tell him everything about who he is?” Steve went back to his questioning mode and I couldn’t blame him.

“As much as I gathered from Hydra's files.”

“You wouldn't happen to still have those files, would you?” he asked with a shade of hope.

I smiled at him and looked around to look for any cameras or people that could had seen our exchange. I reached into my pocket and took out a bent set of papers. I grabbed them from my room just before they dragged me out to torture. “As a matter of fact...”

I handed him the papers and he took them gratefully however with an arched eyebrow. He started skimming through them. “Does Fury know about these?”

“Not really.  I know what you're thinking right now. I'm an actual spy. But the only reason I didn't share these with Fury is because when I asked him whether he knew the Winter Soldier's identity he said no. He wasn't convincing and I can tell, believe me. Somehow I felt as if SHIELD knew all along and did nothing,” I admitted and it felt nice to finally be able to trust someone after all those years full of lies.

“Yeah, same here.  I questioned him about it as well as soon as I found out about Bucky being alive. He answered the same. I decided to trust him but, well, I guess I was wrong to do so,” Steve replied still going through the papers. It made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one with hesitance towards the S.H.I.E.L.D. director.

“I can't believe someone would have such knowledge yet choose to ignore it and let someone else suffer. That's just unbelievable...” I whispered and shook my head. _Maybe he wasn’t so different from Pierce…_

“Well, let's wait with the assumptions. I don't think Fury's a bad person. There has to be a reason,” Steve disagreed bending the papers back and handing them to me. I shook my head.

“Keep them,” I replied and he nodded in gratefulness. “I don't know what reason would be enough for me.”

Steve laughed at my comment. ”You miss him.”

“Despite everything that happened there, he made me feel safe. And I never had that feeling in my entire life. I owe him,” I tried to explain myself rationally. My training didn’t allow me to get emotionally attached to anyone yet I did that and to say ‘attached’ was an understatement.

“I doubt the last part.  I've never seen Bucky in love with anyone. He was quite the player back in the days. He didn't want to settle just yet. If you felt like you had something extraordinary then you're really special,” Steve spoke looking behind me. He was probably remembering the times back in the forties when everything was easier.

“I don't know if he felt the same way,” I said quietly hoping that Steve would say something that would make me feel lighter at heart.

“You must have known. You're a woman. You spot things like that, don't you?” Steve asked in a bit of a mocking tone.

I laughed at his not-so-modest question. “Well, if you must know I was never really good at it.”

“Did he ever say 'I love you'?” Steve questioned.

“Once. But I think it was only because he wanted me to help him escape. Only that Pierce found us first...”

“It doesn't sound like Bucky. He wouldn't have said anything like that if he didn't mean it. He was always very careful with his words. You could think they were random but he always had a purpose with each one of them. He also had a lot phrases of his.”

“Yeah, he still does,” I said with a warm smile.

Steve chuckled and stood up. “Thank you for talking to me. I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” I responded nodding at him.

“I'll take you up on it,” he laughed putting the papers into his pocket to avoid anyone’s curious eyes.

“You bet.”

 


	9. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Reveal

The days have gone by with no information on James’ location. I started to become more and more suspicious of whether Director Fury actually wanted to find him. I could sense Steve shared my worries since he stiffened anytime Fury mentioned ‘no further information on the subject’. Moreover the reference to James a ‘subject’ usually made us go insane but Natasha made us promise that we would start acting more like professionals and less like children. I had to agree with her that attacking him wouldn’t be a wise choice but I couldn’t stand his couldn’t-care-less attitude.

Speaking of Natasha, she was one that I befriended the most except for Steve. Initially, back in the hospital, I thought our relation would be tense considering we were the only two women present in the Avengers team and she didn’t trust me since the beginning. However our friendship evolved from the exact same reasons. She was more than thrilled to have some other female in the Avengers as well as her trust issues disappeared as soon as we both confronted how much terror and pain we had both been through in our past. _Who says torture can’t bring people together?_

However there were parts of my life I didn’t feel comfortable disclosing. She knew that yet she was pressuring me to come out with it. Not directly but quite obviously.

“Have they ever used the brainwashing on someone else other than the Winter Soldier?” she asked one day when we were both sitting in the armory and cleaning our guns.

I looked up at her and frowned. _Please don’t do it._ “I don’t know, Pierce didn’t trust me that much,” I replied getting back to my gun.

She snorted. “No wonder he caught you.”

“Excuse me?” I asked quite offended.

“If you lied to him that poorly as you’re lying to me now then I’m not surprised he caught you,” she explained smiling to me widely.

I sighed deeply and shook my head. “Yeah, he sometimes used it on other people.”

“Has he ever done it to you?” she asked arching an eyebrow at me.

“Well, I suppose he wanted to keep all the brainwashing equipment for the Winter Soldier,” I laughed and looked away from her. I knew it wouldn’t help me since she was the legendary Black Widow.

“Lily…” she spoke up softly however firmly.

I sighed deeply and decided to be honest about the entire topic. I never told that to anyone, not even Ward back when we were _friends._ It was one of the most painful things I had experienced and I had no idea how to even begin explaining it to her. “One day Pierce found out that there was something between me and Winter. He told me to finish it and he tried to _persuade_ me in a certain way. It was about a week before he almost killed me and you guys found me.”

“Does he know?” she asked after a long pause that I was grateful for.

“Who?” I asked truly confused at that point.

“Barnes,” she responded rolling her eyes.

“No,” I shook my head and shuddered at that thought. He would kill Pierce and anyone that helped him in any way. Not that I minded really…

“I know how you feel, I’ve been there,” she said looking behind me, deep in her thoughts. “Soviets and stuff…” she added whispering.

I frowned at her last sentence and started to get back to my mathematical skills from high school. _That doesn’t make sense… “_ The Soviet Union was created in 1922 and abolished in 1991. There is no way you could have been a part of it.”

“Unless they recruited me as a child,” she said smiling and then stretched on the chair. “But that’s not the entire reason. I was born in 1928 in a Russian village. The Soviets recruited me when I was very young therefor no brainwashing was required. I believed everything they told me. They wanted to create another race of super-soldiers based on the serum that Steve was injected with. They manufactured their own and injected me with it. That’s why I’m still alive and young. Anyway, back to the story. One day, sometime in the 70s, they brought their main asset to the base I was stationed in. He didn’t speak much, was tall and had a metal arm…” I froze but allowed her to continue without saying anything. “They wanted to create a new race of super-soldiers and they decided to use the two of us for that. They used to put me and him in the same room and you know…” I felt dizzy. “After a while we got close, I was the only one that understood him. We became lovers. Later on, they took him back to the States to continue his mission and I’ve never seen him again. Until one day in the 90s I was hired to protect a highly-valued scientist that was his target. He didn’t recognize me. He shot a single bullet through me to kill the doctor. Bye bye bikinis.” After she was finished I kept staring at a wall behind her. I couldn’t come up with any coherent sentence. I didn’t know how I felt about it but I knew that I didn’t really have any right to be angry. What we had meant nothing. “I’m sorry I didn’t want you to find out through someone else and we have no idea what he’s going to remember when we finally get to him,” she added looking at me worryingly.

“Okay,” was the only word I managed to utter.

“I only explained that to you because you deserve to know and I feel like you’re my friend,” she kept going probably seeing my unchanged face expression.

“Thank you,” I replied trying to sound more convincing. Apparently not enough so for her liking since she went on.

“Besides what happened in the past stays in the past forever,” she said firmly sitting up in the chair and loading her gun.

“What do you mean?” I asked confused at the tone of her voice.

“I mean, I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anyone what I just told you,” she explained looking me deep in the eyes.

“You mean no one else knows?” I asked in true surprise.

“No.”

“Not even Fury or Barton?” I questioned in disbelief.

“Fury only knows I was involved with the Soviets but nothing more. And I want it to stay that way,” she said and I could see her muscles tense.

“What if he comes back remembering what you two had?” I asked the question that worried me the most even though I knew there were more pressing matters.

“Lily, what we had was nothing more than two broken people finding comfort in each other. It had nothing to do with the pure love that you two share,” she explained sounding a bit patronizing but I tried to pretend I didn’t notice.“I’m actually kind of jealous of you,” she whispered looking at her and arching my eyebrow.

“Of him?” I asked trying to decipher whether she missed him.

“No. Of your future. When all this is over, you can do everything you want. You can have a baby.” She said the last sentence with so much pain that I couldn’t think of an appropriate response.

“But you… I’m sorry,” was the only thing I could mumble out.

“It’s alright. I got used to the thought. It’s the serum,” she spoke casually but she kept her eyes fixed on her gun.

“Then he probably can’t either,” I suggested and she snorted shaking her head.

“It’s the Soviet version that did that to me. Besides I’m pretty sure it only affects women in such a way. The serum is being sexist,” she laughed but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way.

We continued our cleaning in silence and afterwards she went up to meet up with Fury and Barton while I was left alone with my thoughts again.

It became dark quickly that day and the clock was showing 9 pm however my thoughts were still messy therefor I decided to leave the S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters in order to find some peace. I headed towards the only place I knew I would find it.

The thing I loved doing was taking trips to Smithsonian at times of deep and devastating thoughts. At that moment the thoughts were killing me therefor that was exactly what I did. I entered the building and inhaled deeply. I needed to get away from my own mind and the fact that I was in a place where I could read some more about James’ past helped as well.

Everyone in the building was walking around and admiring the old pictures and information about the Howling Commandos and Captain America back in the forties. The atmosphere in that place was uplifting and the air was filled with hope. Something that I needed the most in those days.

I stopped for longer in front of the memorial for Bucky Barnes. _Died in the service of his country._ If only that was what happened… The more I was aware that the past wasn’t always what we thought it was, the less trust I had for people overall. I knew that perhaps that wasn’t the approach I should have but somehow I couldn’t help it. Standing there and looking at the picture of James from back in the days and reading the information about his ‘death’ made me feel as if nothing was real, honest. The lies were just piling up everywhere and no one seemed to be trustworthy.

I sighed deeply and gave the memorial a last look and then headed to the exit. I couldn’t stand to look at all the people anymore that thought that it was such an honorable death he suffered. Perhaps if he truly died it could had been said so but not when someone knew the real circumstances surrounding that.

After leaving the institute, I started walking towards a small alley so that I could walk alone. Upon reaching it, someone bumped into me quite harshly. “Look out, would you?” I hissed not really angry at that person for hitting me, but rather irritated for being interrupted when I wanted to be fully and entirely alone.

“Sorry,” he answered and I frowned. I knew that voice from somewhere and that was something I never forgot about people. Their voice.

“Do I know you?” I asked before the man managed to walk away. He stopped but didn’t turn around. He was dressed in a dark jacket and jeans with boots. He had a hat on but that didn’t hide his long hair and rough stubble.

The man didn’t respond. Instead he turned around to face me and I froze.

James was staring at me without any signs of kindness and a lot of fear and anger instead. “James…” I whispered.

Upon hearing his name, he frowned at me. And then his eyes locked with mine. There was no recognition in them and it killed me. He furrowed his eyebrows seeing me and started to make his way to me. I stood still in spite of knowing I should start running away from him as fast as humanly possible. I had no time to do anything when after a few swift moves he was in front of me with his hand on my throat. I gasped for air bringing my hands to his on my throat. He used his other hand to bring a knife under my throat.

“It’s a dangerous playtime for little girls,” he spoke huskily.

“James, please…” I choked seeing his face full of anger. His eyes glistened at the sound of his own name again that he probably had no memory of. Even though he seemed interested, his hand only tightened around my throat almost as a threat. My eyes started to water seeing the man who once told me he loved me thinking of the best ways to kill me.

 

 

She was standing in front of me, scared but still brave. She swallowed hard but kept her eyes focused on mine. There was something about them… _I think I know you._

"Go on, do it," she challenged me.

I blinked at her courage. Usually people begged me not to kill them, to spare their life, but her... She was pretty, looked innocent. Could she really be an agent?

"I can help you," she said again. "I know it's not okay but it will. I promise."

I kept looking at her extremely intrigued. Somehow I felt as if I could spend the entire day staring into her deep blue eyes however I remembered about the Hydra agents that were coming our way. I had to make a quick decision. The blond man I met few weeks back and she were so familiar. I had no affiliation with Hydra and that made me question where my loyalties lied. Something kept telling me that the answer was right in front of me...

Suddenly I heard the Hydra agents that were coming after me for the past few days. They located me and were coming our way. Somehow I couldn’t let them see her. I had no idea why but I needed to keep her safe from them but I had no idea who she was or if I knew her.

I furrowed my eyebrows and let go of her arms also removing my knife from under her chin. I moved my face closer to hers until I could feel her breath on my lips. I felt as if I was closer than that once...

"Not a word," I whispered and she furrowed her eyebrows at my sudden change of behavior. She probably didn’t realize the threat that was coming our way. "Turn around. And run, never look back. Not until you get someplace safe. Hear me? Go!"

And in that moment I let her go and she ran. After a while she stopped and turned around to glance at me. She looked as if she was considering to come back for me however something she thought of made her change her mind and she continued running away. I was glad she did so.

I turned around only to face the Hydra agents that had finally made their way to me. I grinned at them happily knowing I would take them down in less than three minutes. Therefor I occupied my thoughts in a different way…

I had already made a careful plan in my head. I grinned at the agents and attacked them.

 _I will find you, little girl,_ I thought. _We will meet again soon._

 

****

 

After that nothing happened.

No further information about his location.

Steve questioned me about meeting him, he wanted to know everything but there was not much to say. We didn’t talk nor did we see each other for a long time. I wished I could tell him more but I truly couldn’t.

The worst part when waiting for someone missing – the wait. You simply sit there doing nothing and wait and wait for any type of information that could help you locate them. In James’ case it was more difficult. He could hide his tracks when he didn’t want to be found which, it seemed like, was the case.

Anytime anyone called with a message that he was supposedly spotted somewhere, the entire team went crazy with Steve on top of it. He wanted to find him as bad as I did and anytime the info turned out be false, we were more than disappointed.

Until one day.

“Maybe he’s hiding, I would,” said Steve’s friend, Sam Wilson. He was helping us in looking for James even though he apparently took quite a beating from him few weeks before.

“That doesn’t make anything easier,” Steve replied in a tired voice. He wasn’t looking his best but I couldn’t blame him.

Suddenly the screen turned on and an information box popped out: “TARGET LOCATED”. Both of us jumped in our seats and only Sam was able to behave normally. He checked the address and Steve and I weren’t even waiting for him and we simply ran out of there. We quickly got on the helicarrier and none of us even registered anything, awaiting the time we got to the place where James was.

Then we realized that it probably wasn’t a good idea to leave without Sam. We were left to face James alone and that could turn out to be difficult.

However we didn’t anticipate what happened next.

Another small ship attached itself to ours without a radio permission. After minutes passed, and we attempted to prepare ourselves for the events that would take place from that point forward, we realized that the beacon on our screen that signalized James’ presence was lit up like a Christmas tree.

_He was on that ship._

Steve looked at me questioningly and I didn’t know how to respond. “What do we do?”

“Why would you ask me?” I retorted in shock.

“I thought S.H.I.E.L.D. has a plan for everything,” Steve said loading his gun.

I snorted. “Well, perhaps but I didn’t really have enough time to study S.H.I.E.L.D.’s manual,” I replied doing the exact same thing as he was.

Suddenly we heard a loud noise which was usually associated with someone opening the metal door that was separating us from the newcomers. We both sighed and shared a meaningful look which simply meant “good luck”.

When the second door opened, someone stepped out that I thought I’d never see again. “That took you some time, guys!” the new person on the ship exclaimed happily.

“Rumlov,” I hissed angrily at the sight of the very person that got me involved in that mess. He was the reason I joined Hydra without realizing its true genesis and he was the reason I was almost killed.

“Well hello there my dear fellow agent,” he said smiling. “I’ve missed you.”

“Oh don’t you dare talk to us,” Steve hissed preparing his shield.

Rumlov didn’t seem to pay any attention to him and kept his eyes fixed on me. “I saved you. You owe me at least a short conversation, don’t you think?” he said grinning at me as if he wasn’t the reason behind that situation. However his words intrigued me.

“Saved me?” I laughed bitterly. “What exactly are you referring to? The moment when you sold me out to Pierce?”

Rumlov shook his head in defeat truly amused. “I know you don’t remember, he said that would happen,” he said looking directly into my eyes. “But at least you’re alive.”

“What are you talking about?” I questioned getting irritated.

“When Pierce decided to cut you to pieces, I was the one tasked to ‘dispose’ of you if you will,” he smiled happily and I couldn’t understand what was so amusing about his words. “I asked the doctor for a serum that would keep you alive until someone from S.H.I.E.L.D. found you. And apparently it worked.”

“Am I supposed to believe you?” I snorted at his ridiculous behavior.

“Well perhaps you’ll believe him,” he said and gestured behind him.

The man that stepped out was no one else than James.

However I should probably say Winter since by the looks of it he was brainwashed again. Seeing that fury overtook me and I glanced at Steve who was in pure shock.

“Bucky…” he started extending his hand towards his friend.

“That’s not my name,” Winter hissed and I remembered that voice very well. They had gotten to his head once more.

“Please, listen to me…” Steve kept going and started moving forward to his friend while I stood there paralyzed.

In that exact moment, Winter stepped closer to Steve and attacked him. Steve was taken by surprise which made him land on his back with a low groan. They started to fight or rather Winter was aiming punches at Steve who didn’t even show any effort of defending himself. Their slow dance took a while and I considered helping Steve but with the two enormous man fighting I wasn’t able to help.

“Bucky,” Steve breathed looking straight into his friend's eyes.

It meant nothing. His eyes were empty. The only thing visible in them and only from up close was agony. “Don't call me that,” he hissed again in visible physical pain due to a possibly broken arm.

“Okay,” Steve replied nodding. I could see him bleeding through his suit. The wound on his abdomen wasn't going to heal and I knew he could die. This conversation had to end soon. “Please come home with us. You don't have to do this.”

“I don't have a home and I don't know you,” Bucky responded ignoring his friend's pleas. I could see him constantly glancing towards me and I tried to give him the warmest looks I possibly could.

“Bucky, please... I'm your friend,” Steve kept going trying to break through to his old comrade. However the words seemed to hit Bucky and then bounce back. He wasn't listening anymore. He looked _scared._

“He doesn't have friends, Steve,” I heard a voice from behind me and I almost jumped in fear. I looked back and saw Rumlov approaching me. That was the point that Bucky was staring at. “He's an assassin.”

“You did this to him,” Steve barked at the SHIELD traitor. “We can reverse it.” He turned to face Bucky once more. “We can help.”

“Ignore him. He can't accept the reality,” Rumlov spoke casually as if none of them were at the verge of bleeding out or falling down with the helicarrier.

After a moment both Steve's and Bucky's eyes landed on me. I had no idea what was happening until I felt a strong hand on my throat. “What are you doing? Let her go!” Steve exclaimed and tried to get up from the ground to save me. But there was no time.

“Oh, poor choice of words there, Captain,” Brock laughed bitterly next to my ear making me shiver. “I'm about to do exactly that.”

And in that moment I realized what was coming. I tried to push myself away from Rumlov's reach however my attempts were completely ineffective. It was long until I found myself screaming while falling of the helicarrier and the only words I could hear was Steve's desperate cries “No, Lily, no!”. I had nothing to do, nothing to grab in order to save myself. I was only falling helplessly into the water. Before I hit the panel of water I saw the helicarrier blowing up and someone's body falling right after me. And then everything went dark...

 

I jumped right after them both. I had no idea why but I needed to. They were strangers yet I needed them alive. Why? I had no clue.

I dived into the deep water and reached my arm to grab the man's lifeless body. _God, I hope he's alive._ The girl wasn't heavy therefor I grabbed them both and pushed them to the shore. I dropped them there hissing in pain at the feeling that was spreading across my flesh arm. I looked at the blond man. Was Steve his name? He took an unconscious shallow breath.

He was breathing and I felt relieved.

Then I heard the girl coughing out water. I got up clumsily trying to disappear from her line of sight before she could stop me however she was too fast. “Wait...” she breathed still not regaining her breaths. “Plea...”

She coughed multiple times but grabbed my arm before I could escape her reach. I sighed angrily and glared at her. “Let me go.”

“You saved us,” she breathed narrowing her beautiful blue eyes at me. “You said you didn't know us.”

I didn't answer. Not only because I didn't want to but because I didn't know why I saved them. I had to, for some reason, make sure they were alright. However I decided to stick around and find out more about them. Maybe they were what I was as looking for…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now some more interesting things will start happening! Bucky's back home but we all know that doesn't meant it's the end of their problems...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	10. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Interrogation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The point of view switches here between Bucky and Lily which you probably observed was the case in the previous chapter as well. I hope it doesn't confuse you much.
> 
> Enjoy!

She approached the table and put some files on it. For the first time after the cryo, I let myself to look at someone without analyzing their fighting techniques and possible movements.

She was a woman.

An incredibly attractive woman.

Her figure was perfect, the hour-glass type. I could see she was fit and well-trained. Her movements seemed relaxed, however, I could see her shoulders tensed when she finally looked at me. She had long dark, almost black, hair with lovely waves mixed with curls. Her complexion was light and something about it made me wonder whether she was American. Her deep blue eyes were fixed on me, probably determining if I was a possible threat.

"Hello, Sergeant Barnes. My name is Lily Crawford. I'm an Agent with the SHIELD," she introduced herself giving me a quick warm smile. Her voice was low but it worked on me like honey. Somehow I couldn't resist the thought that I heard it before... "I am going to ask you a couple of questions. Is that alright?"

I nodded slowly. I noticed her glancing quickly at the camera in the upper corner of the room. I did the same and noticed the red blinking light was gone. That caught me off guard. Was she supposed to smack me on the walls? She definitely looked capable of doing that, however, I was ultimately stronger that her, without a shade of doubt. Or maybe she wanted to bring up so uncomfortable questions that were supposed to make me speak honestly? And then I started to wonder why did I even bothered with these questions. I was the Winter Soldier, I could kill her in a matter of seconds. Maybe it was due to the cryo state wearing off of me... _Why did I even care?_

"I need you to tell me if you know who you are," the brunette spoke again. I noticed her eyes trying very hard to avoid mine so I focused my gaze on hers. She was waiting for a response but I gave her none. "Your name is James Buchannan Barnes but your friends used to call you Bucky."

At these words I flinched. "Don't call me that. Ever," I hissed and she seemed to jump a little and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Alright. How about James?" she asked kindly. I nodded slowly giving her my acceptance of the way to refer to me. At that I could swear I saw the corners of her lips flinch. _What the hell was happening?_ "Good. So how are you feeling, James?"

I raised my eyebrows at this question. It was an extremely stupid one, I had to admit, and I didn't take her as one. How could I possibly feel? I was a murderer yet I had no memories of the things I've done. However, the things kept coming back to me, more and more every second, and that frightened me.

"Look, you don't have to be afraid to talk to me," she spoke again seeing as I was not very cooperative. "I won’t hurt you. I want to help."

I still didn't respond. I knew what a weakness was and she was becoming one. I didn't know why but there was something about her. Was she attractive? Yes. Was I attracted to her? Possibly. But these weren't the reason for me to stay quiet...

Then why did I?

She was just a girl. A SHIELD agent, yes, nevertheless just a girl. However, there was something about her. She seemed to make me calm, make me feel more...human.

And then she did it. And in that moment, I remembered.

She was tired of me not answering so she sighed, rolled her eyes and turned her head to the side. That small, usually completely meaningless gesture made me recognize her.

I definitely knew her.

But how?

She must have noticed the change in my behavior because she narrowed her eyebrows and finally looked into my eyes. _Her eyes were everything._

"I know you," I breathed loud enough only for her to hear. In that moment, she froze. She swallowed hard and kept looking at me. I knew she knew me as well but she didn’t answer. She just kept looking at me. Something in her eyes change, a shade of hope maybe... "How do I know you?" I asked slowly but insistently and she blinked.

"You tried to kill me once," she answered simply still afraid to move too much. I could feel that wasn't all. However I held to that turn of events hoping it would lead to more.

 _Great_ , was my only thought. _Why anytime something starts to make sense, it all falls apart right away?_ But then I couldn't really meet anyone any other way. It's not like I had ever attended a bar or a café. But killing her? That was the worst...

 _Wait,_ I thought. _I tried. Winter Soldier never fails so why is she still alive?_

"Why aren’t you dead then?" I asked a bit bluntly.

"You had a knife placed under my throat but... I don’t really know why but you looked into my eyes and you said..."

" _It's a dangerous playtime for little girls,"_ I finished for her feeling a new memory coming to me...

_She was standing in front of me, scared but still brave, ready to defend herself. She swallowed hard but kept her eyes focused on mine._

_"Go on, do it," she challenged me._

_I blinked. She was pretty, looked innocent. Could she really be an agent?_

_"I can help you," she said again. "I know it's not okay but it will. I promise."_

_I furrowed my eyebrows and let go of her arms also removing my knife from under her chin. I moved my face closer to hers until I could feel her breath on my lips._

_"Not a word," I whispered. "Turn around. And run, never look back. Not until you get someplace safe. Hear me? Go!" And in that moment, I let her go and she ran._

"And after that you told me to turn around and run, and not to look back," She added snapping me from my thoughts. I looked at her and nodded. She seemed to relax a bit but her shoulders were still betraying her, tightened as ever. _There was more. A lot more._ “Why didn’t you kill me? You said I was your mission." She sounded as if she wanted me to say something specific. As if she knew the answer herself...

However that was what I had said. She _was_ my mission yet she was sitting in front of me. _Why didn’t I kill you, little girl? What made me let you go freely?_ I couldn’t remember what motivated me, at that moment I was still in a full Winter Soldier mode. Then why?

I didn’t reply. I just kept looking directly into her beautiful eyes. There was a certain sadness in them. Compared to the rest of her body, her eyes seemed older. She had seen too much for her age. _Another tormented soul_ , I thought.

"Are you going to answer any of my questions?" she asked clearly irritated by my passive attitude. Still no response from me. _She's a weakness,_ I kept telling myself. _I don’t know her but she is a weakness._

"Perfect," she mumbled under her breath and hissed the air out of her mouth. "Anything you _will_ talk to me about? Anything, really. Could be the weather in Russia currently. Or the way these jeans feel tight on you given that you've never worn anything normal. Or perhaps why you always feel cold?"

I raised my eyebrow at her babbling. She seemed cute and I had to suppress a grin forming on my face. What was she trying to do? Seduce me by her awkwardness? _Well, she's certainly succeeding._

And then I froze. “I never said that.” I looked at her narrowing my eyes. She seemed to understand what I meant since her body tensed again. _How did she know about the cold?_

_She knew me..._

"You know I could jump over this table and strangle you using only my arm in a matter of seconds before Steve or anyone else will be able to get here?" she said angrily dismissing my question.

"You know I would be able to take this arm of yours and break it in half and then smash your head using only my hand?" I finally responded flexing my metal arm as a proof.

She swallowed and nodded. "Fair enough."

It made me want to laugh. This whole conversation seemed to be pretty off topic for me. Wasn't she supposed to torture me with unbelievably hard questions to infiltrate Hydra? What was her plan? She looked at me, narrowed her eyes and smiled seductively.

_I knew that smile..._

 

 

"What about the Red Room?" I asked trying to get him to open up and speed up the whole interrogation process. I couldn't spend that much time with him and not spill the beans about us being lovers. He froze but continued not to show any emotions.

"I don't know what you mean," he replied simply but I could see his facial muscles tighten.

"Oh, stop. I know about the Red Room. I know much more than you think. There's someone here that was there with you," I added the last sentence quietly, almost whispering. Even though the cameras were off, I didn't need to have everyone hear about it. Especially I didn't want anyone to hear the way I said _it_. However he noticed.

"I don't suppose that person told you everything otherwise you wouldn't have been asking," he said sadly giving me a painful smile. And something more...

" _That person_ told me enough. That's why, for _her_ sake, since she's a friend, I'm not going to say anything more," I replied a bit frustrated with him at that point. I just wanted to get over with this conversation since it made me unbelievably uncomfortable. However, I noticed the hurt look on his face and regretted my words. _You loved him, for God's sake._ _Act like it._ "Look, I can only imagine what you've been through during those years. Alone, without even a notion of who you really are... I just want you to know that you're not on your own anymore. You have people that care for you now. You have friends... family."

"You mean Steve," he concluded and I could swear I sensed a mocking tone in his voice.

"Not only," I whispered this time and looked into his constantly-observing-me eyes.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked the question I hoped he wouldn't while looking at me with a drastically different face expression. Right now, he looked like a tortured lost sergeant, not the Winter Soldier. "I mean, I tried to kill you."

"But you didn't. You stopped yourself," I defended him knowing him better than anyone else. Probably even better than Steve.

"And I don't know how. I just looked at you and you were so... innocent," he said the last word giving me such a look that even considering my spy/assassin training I couldn't decode what he meant. "You were the only person in all those years who showed me a tiny glimpse of kindness and I just couldn't."

"I believe everyone deserves a second chance," I said slowly focusing my eyes behind him so I could break our intense staring competition at least for a moment. Moreover my eyes would start tearing if I kept looking into his.

"What about you?" he asked suddenly.

"What?" I almost jumped at his question and looked at him again.

"You don't look like SHIELD's typical asset," he explained furrowing his brows.

"I was recruited," I said hoping to jolt his memories.

"Why?"

"My family is far away from normal, to say at least. I left them when I was nineteen and moved to US," I explained deciding it would probably be easier to tell him the truth, and at that point I truly wanted him to remember me.

"Where are you from then?" he questioned looking at me more intensely than before. He looked genuinely interested in my answer.

"Eastern Europe. Poland. However, when I was sixteen I moved to Denmark with my mum and her psychotic boyfriend. I graduated high school there and then left to study. I majored in biochemical studies and engineering, but in spite of having two PhDs finding a job without a citizenship turned out to be somewhat difficult so I ended up living in my van. One day...” I hesitated for a moment. _Should I tell him?_ “... some people approached me claiming they are agents of some very great agency. They called themselves 'Защита'. They knew I had skills and they offered me a place. The only thing they didn't tell me was that it was actually Hydra,” he narrowed his eyes at me. _Please, remember_... “I worked for them without knowing who they really were until I found out and they decided to get rid of me. Then they," I motioned behind me where behind the mirror Natasha and few others were observing the interrogation. "found me. Director Fury gave me a chance instead of putting me in prison."

"You're lucky. To have someone looking after you. People that will never betray you," he said more to himself than to me.

"I was betrayed by people multiple times in my life so I understand how you feel. Therefore I would never do that to someone else.” _Especially you._ “You can trust me," I reassured him seeing that it was Bucky Barnes I was taking to right then, not a coldblooded assassin.

"Who?" he asked automatically.

"What do you mean?" I asked trying to pretend I didn’t know what he meant. I didn't feel like sharing that part of my life with anyone, really. Especially, considering the fact that my team was listening just behind the door and he seemed overly interested in my answer.

"Who betrayed you?" he repeated his question focusing his cold blue eyes on mine and I was unable to look away. _Why couldn't he remember?!_

"It doesn't matter," I responded quickly which was a mistake because giving up wasn't in his nature and I knew it.

"Judging by your tone and face expression it looks like it does," he said and I could swear I saw the corners of his lips slightly rising but then he retained his emotionless expression.

"Someone I considered a friend turned out to be working on both sides, for S.H.I.E.L.D. Hydra. He tricked me into believing he was trustworthy," I explained hoping he'd be satisfied with such an answer and stop digging.

"You cared for him," he stated nodding his head.

"Maybe."

"You still do," he kept going and I cursed myself in my head for even starting this topic.

"I don't. And stop it."

"You do. But you think you shouldn't."

"None of your business," I could feel my heart pounding and there was no need to look at my bracelet, my heart rate was probably around two hundred.

"Even though he hurt you, you can't shake the feeling of missing him..." he kept stating his opinions, and every single one of them described the way I felt.

"Stop!" I shouted hoping he'd stop.

"… and you would still do everything to protect him, wouldn't you?" he questioned now smiling like he achieved something that made him proud.

"No," I answered politely wondering if maybe that would work on him.

"Yes, you would. I can see that." He laughed but then his face became serious again. "Did you tell your team about all of it? Or do you keep it a secret due to the fact they would judge you...? Then why are you telling me?"

"Of course I didn't!" I yelled at this point. I stood up and I was almost shaking. _What exactly was going on?_ "They would hate me for still caring! Do you know what he's done?! He almost killed my best friend! He can't even put words into complete sentences now because of him! He hurt all of us but despite all of that, he still claims he cares for me! How am I supposed to believe that? Especially since..." I silenced my voice and sat back down on the chair. "And it's easier to tell you since you don’t care. You don't know me, I don't know you. No attachments. No emotions." I chose to lie. _Easier than saying 'I can tell you because we are in love'_. Or perhaps _were..._

"Well, now they know," he said looking behind me. Then he looked directly through my eyes and I froze. "I know how you feel. I felt like Steve betrayed me. For many years after... I remembered fractions but they made me forget. But now I do. I used to blame him for not looking for me after I fell. Not even checking if I was alive or simply taking my body for a proper burial. If he did, Hydra would have never laid their hands on me."

I took a deep breath. I knew it bothered Steve for many years, he told me. He wanted to go and look for him but the war was ongoing, he couldn't. He mourned, he lost his best friend. Likewise I already knew what James told me right now. He used to mention _someone_ betraying him though he didn't remember his name... I couldn’t imagine what these two had been feeling. If I lost Fitz, I'd leave SHIELD for sure. He, Ward and finding James were the only reasons I stayed in the first place. Now, with Ward gone, I needed both Fitz and James to be there, alive.

"Steve wanted to come back for you," I said quietly but not enough since he seemed to be startled. "But he couldn't, not with the war going on. I know it killed him to do so..."

"I know," he broke my flood of arguments. "It was never his fault but back then... It just seemed like... I don't really know, but..." he seemed not to be able to come up with any sentence to describe his feelings. "If you only knew what they did to me," he said instead and as I opened my mouth to tell him that I knew he added "You only think you do. But in reality, the truth is much worse. At the beginning, I thought brainwashing wouldn't be necessary to make me do whatever they wanted me to. The pain, the..." he closed his eyes and swallowed hard. The room seemed to be so quiet that I could only hear our breaths. The silence was painful. "Let's just say at that point I was glad they made me forget."

At these words I felt tears coming to my eyes. I didn't know which part he forgot that he was glad he did but it made my heart break slightly. I felt for him. I didn't even want to imagine what they did to him after they 'killed' me and how lonely he must had felt. I clenched my fists and tightened my jaw muscles. Then looking him straight in the eyes I said quietly: "I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault," he whispered back.

"It actually is," I mumbled. He looked at me tilting his head to the side.

“You're not the one that brainwashed me,” he replied firmly.

“Well, no, but I could have... ” I stopped before I went too far and motioned towards him feeling genuine guilt even though I knew I couldn't stop any of it. ”It just makes me feel like shit," I looked at him. His eyes were still locked on me. My heart fastened. _It's been almost two months and I still melt at his look!_ I couldn't believe my own behaviour. _I would never stop loving him..._

"I understand," he replied truthfully. "I felt the same way."

I nodded trying to break our eye contact but somehow I just couldn't.

 

 

She looked afraid. She tried to look away, moved her head but her eyes remained fixed on mine. She swallowed and my eyes wandered off to her neck. She was dressed in a suit that I've seen many SHIELD agents wear. Except hers had somewhat of a twist to it and a cleavage revealing a bit more of her neck. I could see her collarbones covered by flawless ivory complexion. I felt like I had seen more of it before and even _touched_ it... She reached her hand to cover her neck pretending to scratch the back of her head. _She must have noticed me staring._

But I couldn't help myself. There was something about her that made me fascinated. I couldn't decide what... She glanced at her right hand and I knew what she was looking at. She had a bracelet that kept beeping silently, probably too quiet for her to hear, that measured her heart rate. However, I didn't need to see it, I _heard_ her pulse. The perks of Hydra's drug was becoming sensitive to any sounds, really. And her heart was louder than any heart I've ever heard. She was either terrified, or... excited.

My mind kept telling me to be rational. She was simply afraid of me, hence the fast heartbeat. However, I could notice things I hadn't before. Things like her glancing slightly at my lips while licking her own. A small gesture that she tried to hide from me but I caught a glimpse of anyway. The way she scanned my entire upper body within a matter of a split second to avoid being caught. Despite those small unimportant gestures, I refused to acknowledge that she could have indeed find me attractive. It felt like my desires arguing with my intelligence.

Then there was also the question of her blaming herself _too_ much for my brainwashing. It almost felt as if she was _there_... She was Hydra once, she admitted it couple of minutes ago however it seemed to be something different. I didn't know why but she seemed exceptionally familiar to me. When she bit her lip again I couldn't shake the feeling that I had kissed those lips before...

“What do you want from me?” I asked remembering the beginning of our conversation. She came in there with a set of questions for me. She seemed startled but she smiled to me.

“Well, I...,” she started still avoiding any eye contact between us. “We wanted... we were wondering if...” she stopped and took a deep breath. “How are you feeling?” She asked instead. I arched my eyebrow at this ridiculous question again. She saw my irritation and explained. “I mean, physically first. As in do you have any broken bones? You had quite the fight with Steve back in the helicarrier and then you dived after him into the bay so...”

I sighed and nodded slightly. “My arm... I think it might be twisted,” I motioned to my right shoulder without moving it. It gave me quite some pain.

She furrowed her eyebrows. _Was it worry?_ ”Okay, we can surely help with that. Anything else?”

“Except for being brainwashed for half a century and probably having half of my brain cells destroyed? No, not really,” I replied snarkily. However, she seemed to be amused.

“The ability to use sarcasm is always a good sign,” she responded explaining her sweet smile. “And by the way, they didn't destroy all of your brain cells. Or any of them, for that matter. It's going to take some time but you'll be alright. All it takes is a whole lot of effort and patience and I swear you won't be a ghost anymore.”

Her words brought me peace somehow. She still had faith in me. Why? I knew who I was. A monster. A soulless killer. And no one could tell me otherwise. Likewise, I knew there was a man behind that mirror whose parents I probably had murdered. I couldn't even think about it.

I looked up at her and exhaled deeply. “No problem with the effort part, ma'am,” I couldn't suppress the corners of my lips twitching and she had to notice it. “Patience, however, I seem to have none.”

She chuckled at me and gave me possibly the warmest smile I had ever seen in my life, James Barnes' or Winter Soldier's. “We seem to have that in common,” she stood up shakily and walked towards the door to leave the room, however she turned back for a moment and looked at me still wearing that lovely smile of hers. “And please, don't call me ma'am. My friends call me Lily.”

And with those words she left the room leaving me speechless.


	11. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Trust

After a while someone opened the door. It was a young boy. He was wearing a confused smile, nevertheless a smile. He had a shirt with a dark blue vest on him and looked somewhat professional despite his undeniable young age. “Would you come with me, sir?”

I held a sigh of irritation at his usage of the word 'sir'. He couldn't know any better therefor I decided to let it go. I simply got up from my chair and followed him outside.

When we left the room we were walking through a very thin corridor and only after few minutes did we get to the open building. It was mostly covered in white paint with bits of silver. Practical. Professional.

We passed lots of people on our way and every single one of them gave me an assessing look. Obviously everyone knew who I was but it didn't change the fact I felt unease with being the center of attention. Some of them were glancing slightly at my metal arm while the others were simply staring at me. Since I was a world-widely known assassin I shouldn't bother. However I did.

“Ignore them, they're just looking for any fresh prey,” the boy in front of me spoke. His accent was clearly British, however I had a hunch he was Scottish. “And there's a huge chance at least half of them is actually staring at me.”

I didn't respond however the boy looked at me and smiled again. His blue-grey eyes seemed calm in spite of the tension I could see in his arms. “By the way my name is Fitz. Actually, it's Leopold Fitz but please don't call me that. I hate that name,” he muttered under his breath swiping his pass across the magnet field next to the door.

We entered a white room and I immediately froze. He must have noticed it since he spoke again. “It's okay, it's just a lab,” _Well, that's exactly what's bothering me, you Fitz-person._ “Oh, I mean, you told Lil that you seem to be having some problems with your arm so...” he gestured towards the room which looked a bit more comfortable than the previous ones. It had darker colors instead of the blinding whites all over. It felt a lot warmer as well.

There was one person in the room. A man with dark brown hair and the beginning of a beard appearing on his face. He seemed to be in his mid-thirties, despite his hazel eyes showing more experience and pain than his actual age. He smiled warmly and stretched out his right hand to greet me. “It's a genuine pleasure Sergeant Barnes. My name is Bruce Banner. I'm a doctor and I can help you,” he gestured towards my arm.

I felt reluctant to accept his hand therefor I nodded instead. He must have noticed since he just chuckled and nodded as well. He motioned towards a chair. I looked at it suspiciously but after a second I decided to sit on the offered spot. Dr Banner brought another stool and moved it closer to me. Afterwards he sat on it and reached out his hands to me motioning to my shoulder. “May I?”

I slowly extended my flesh arm towards him observing his every movement. He gently gripped my arm focusing on my elbow and flexing it in different positions to see where the damage was. I looked around. Fitz was still in the room staring at my arm with focused eyes and following every of the doctor's moves. He must had aspired to be him. Despite these two I felt like everyone else wanted to kill me. Except for one more person...

“That girl...” I whispered and both of them looked up at me. Fitz almost jumped at the sound of my voice and quickly fixed his glasses. Banner glanced at him suppressing a grin and then turned his attention to me.

“Lily?” he simply asked. I slowly nodded. Bruce chuckled again. “What about her?”

“Is she here?” I asked.

Fitz narrowed his eyes at that question almost _threateningly._ Banner focused back on my arm but answered. “Yes, she works here. Sometimes in the lab, sometimes in the field. Usually in the field though. She is, what we call here, a specialist.”

I nodded and arched my eyebrow. He said a lot more than I asked for. He seemed to be quite open therefor I asked again. “The lab?”

“Oh, yes,” Bruce laughed seemingly at his own thoughts. “She's a scientist.”

“A very good one,” Fitz cleared his throat and added. “She has two PhDs, one in engineering and the other in bio-chem.”

They both seemed quite proud of her. I couldn't really blame them. The girl was a charmer. She got me liking her in the matter of second. “Is she American?”

Both of them looked at me furrowing their eyebrows. Banner recovered as the first one and smiled. “No, she's not. But you already know that, she told you. You think she's lying to you?”

I shook my head slowly. “I hope not.”

Banner sighed reaching for the bandage and started wrapping my elbow and, to my surprise, my wrist as well. “We are not going to lie to you. Ever. You will know everything even if it's painful. It might be a scary thought but I believe it's the best way to help you regain your memories.” I kept looking at him. They all seemed so helpful. _Why?_ Was it because of Steve? “And if you're asking especially about her, she will _never_ lie to you. You two have quite some past.”

I froze. “What?” I choked out. _How couldn't I remember?_

Banner looked up at me for a moment realizing he probably said too much. “You should remember yourself, believe me. Besides we don't really know much,” he explained. “Moreover even if not due to your past, she won't lie to you simply because it's her principle not to do so.”

“You said she's a specialist. We lie for a living,” I stated fixing my eyes on him and deciding to drop the matter of our past. For now.

He returned the stare finishing off bandaging my arm. “Not her.”

“You two were very close while in Hydra and, for her, you always will be,” Fitz said out of the blue narrowing his eyes on some fixed point on the wall. Banner sighed almost as if it could stop the young scientist. “I mean, she loves everyone in here, literally, but it takes a long time for her to warm up to people. Especially recently,” he mumbled the last part. I knew what he meant.

“You mean that someone she cared for?” I asked with a bit of poison in my voice but it only seemed to make Fitz amused.

“Yeah,” he sighed picking up a small piece of a bandage from the table and playing with it. “It wasn't exactly like she said, you know, I mean he was Hydra but he was pretending to be SHIELD... She met him in Hydra and she didn't know he was being a traitor on both sides. Anyway... she put her trust in him. She decided to accept SHIELD's offer mostly because of him. To catch him. I think you could count the people she trusts on the fingers of one hand. And now there's one less. She will never forgive herself for her instincts failing.”

“It happens to the best,” I stated matter-of-factly. Both of them nodded. “Why are you telling me all of this? Aren't I a threat even with our mystery _past_? I assumed you're close. ”

Banner looked at me after he finished putting all of the equipment he used back in the drawers. “We are. Closer than you can imagine. Both of us with her,” he motioned to Fitz. “She's one of the most important people for us in our lives. That's why you should know all of this. Because she's not entirely comfortable with you not remembering. She will be patient but it hurts her to see you looking at her with no recognition. She trusts you despite the things we all know you did in the past. Now, I don't say you don't deserve trust because you're possibly more trustworthy than half of the people in this building,” he laughed at this and continued. “but we barely know you and she knows she can tell you everything. Almost as if she felt _safe_ ,” the last word was almost breathed by my doctor and Fitz looked up at him. They exchanged confused looks but quickly recovered from it.

“Well, you're as good as new,” Fitz exclaimed happily. I arched my eyebrow at him and Banner broke into laughter. The boy seemed to turn incredibly red at our reactions.

“Well, you're definitely free to leave now if you like,” Bruce responded giving Fitz a small pat on the back but looking at me. I nodded and stood up. I felt a bit dizzy however I started to make my way to the exit.

“Wait, you...” Fitz started but hesitated for a second. I turned around to face him, he was in pure horror. “You're bleeding,” he motioned to my abdomen. I looked down and there was a blood stain that was becoming visible under my tactical vest. _Shit._

“It's not mine,” I lied but somehow I felt like it wasn't going to work with those two.

“Well, that might be, however I would still like to take a look at you, actually,” Banner stepped forward trying to prevent me from leaving. I immediately stepped back. I couldn't let anyone come near me. Touch was a complete exclusion for me.

“I'm fine,” I mouthed glaring at them both. While it might have caused Fitz to be slightly frightened, it did nothing to Banner. He even smiled.

“In case you're not aware, or they haven't told you, when my emotions get high or when I get angry, I turn into a huge green beast. Therefor I suggest you cooperate since we don't really want that to happen,” he sounded as if he was threatening me. I arched my eyebrow and clenched my fists. He noticed that and relaxed a bit himself. “Look, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but...”

“Well, it's a bit too late for that now,” I growled tightening my jaw.

Bruce sighed, closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “We only want to help, James,” I shivered at the sound of my own name. “I understand what they have done to you and...”

“No, you don't,” I spat not caring if I seemed rude anymore.

He looked up at me and smiled sadly. “You're right. None of us actually understands. We only read or heard about it. I'm sorry for what happened to you. But you're safe now. We're your friends,” he raised his hands in a giving up gesture. “Now, I can imagine you feel uncomfortable with touch or anyone being too close to you, right? Well, how about _her?”_ I froze and held my breath. “I'm no fool. There is something serious and intimate between the two of you. If you're close to trusting anyone here, it's her. Am I right?”

I didn't answer however I doubted he would need me to. “Would you let her take a look at your wound?” I didn't respond again but I unclenched my fists and relaxed my body a bit. Banner took it as a yes and looked at Fitz who seemed to be utterly terrified. “Fitz, why don't you go and bring Lily here?

The boy swallowed hard with his eyes still focused on me. He nodded and almost ran out of the room. Banner chuckled and looked back at me. “Take a seat,” he motioned towards the hospital-like bed that looked more like a recliner. I moved towards it still all tensed up. I sat down getting lost in my own thoughts.

 _If you're close to trusting anyone here, it's her._ Was that true? Was I beginning to trust her? But the Winter Soldier trusted no one. Besides, I met her only couple of hours ago. Unless you'd count that one encounter when I almost slit her throat. I couldn't possibly be so easily manipulated. Could I...?

 _Intimate..._ were we? I couldn't remember anything about my past that included her yet she seemed so familiar...

I felt like my mind was playing with me. I couldn't distinguish the lies from the truth, the ones that are willing to help from the traitors. I was more than confused. I was lost in my own mind. It was tricking me. I couldn't even trust the things I saw let alone _a person!_

Suddenly, the door opened and Fitz was back with _her._ She looked at me confused. Or frightened. Or was it worry? I couldn't tell anymore...

She walked over to Banner and asked him something. They talked for a while and then suddenly she ended up in front of me. Too close.

I flinched backwards breathing heavily. She flinched as well but furrowed her eyebrows. She reached out her hand as if she wanted to touch my face. I reacted immediately and caught her wrist. She groaned with pain which made me relax my grip slightly however I didn't let go. My vision started to get blurry. “What did you do to me?” I breathed.

She widened her eyes and turned to the men observing the situation. “Have you given him anything?” Both of them shook their heads in pure confusion at her accusing tone.

“It could be the cryo wearing off,” one of them offered. I couldn't tell which one anymore. “His mind is overflowed with emotions and sensations he has never experienced before...”

“But the last time he was in the cryo was a bit over three months ago,” Lily said and I got confused.

“How do you know that...?” I mumbled with my vision more blurred each second.

She looked at me for a moment but then another voice said something. He kept talking but neither I nor she were listening anymore. I couldn't hear him after a short moment and she was focusing on me. She reached her other hand to grip my shoulder. My reaction time was non-existing therefor I wasn't able to stop her. She squeezed my arm reassuringly. Her touch felt so familiar... I couldn't control my breaths and my vision was disappearing. I could only hear her soothing voice slowly fading away. “It's okay, you're going to be fine.”

Suddenly my body balance was shifted and I realized I was lying on the recliner. Her hands were near my face but I shoved them away. _No._ I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening to me. It had never happened before.

“Just calm down,” she said quietly.

“Don't tell me what to do,” I snapped at her using the only ounce of strength I had remaining.

To my genuine surprise she laughed and shook her head. Despite my vision foggy, I could see her warm blue eyes looking at me with something that resembled a feeling I hadn't experienced in a long time... ”You _need_ to calm down. It's basically an anxiety attack. You're terrified and that's okay. But no one will hurt you, just relax.”

“So you could slit me open with a knife?” I mouthed trying to regain my posture but her hands forced me back down and held me firmly there. I had no strength to fight her so I growled in defeat.

“No one will do such a thing. Not as long as I'm here,” she assured me nodding her head. One of her hands moved from my chest to my hand.  I tried to push her away however in that given moment she was a lot stronger than me. Or mostly just fully conscious. She gripped my hand and her thumb started making small circles on the back of my palm. _A gesture so familiar again._ I had felt it before. I exhaled deeply at this lovely sensation. I relaxed a bit and stopped the bungled attempts to get up. I tightened my hold on her hand almost to the breaking point but she didn't say anything, her thumb kept performing its movements. “It's okay, you're fine. Just breathe, it's all it takes. I promise,” her voice was like a honey. She calmed me in a matter of seconds. _There it was, I definitely trusted her._ But why?

After a while I noticed that the two men weren't in the room anymore and it was just us. I looked at her and she smiled again. My vision went back to normal and I could breathe normally again.  However my hand remained in a tight embrace with hers. She didn't seem to mind though. I relaxed my fingers around hers anyway mumbling something along the lines of sorry.

She chuckled, a small blush coming to her cheeks. “No need.”

My grip was loose enough for her to pull her hand back. Only that she didn't. We were in a complete silence for some time but it wasn't awkward. The silence with her was something I could enjoy. It wasn't threatening, it was actually _nice._

I noticed her other hand was still at my chest. She followed my eyes and moved her hand lower to grip the bottom of my tactical vest and I froze. She laughed again. “May I take a look at that wound of yours?”

Then I relaxed. That was the initial purpose of her coming in there. I slowly nodded and she helped me up. She was way too close to me, closer I had ever let anyone to get. Or maybe _she_ was closer once... However at that moment her closeness didn't seem to bother me. I felt oddly comfortable around her. She made me feel more like myself...

She unzipped my vest and pushed it off my shoulders grazing my bare neck with her fingers. I shivered but it went unnoticed with her. Then she gripped the hem of my T-shirt and looked at me. I nodded and helped her take it off. When I was free of all the clothes that were initially covering my upper body, she arched an eyebrow and a 'hmm' escaped her mouth.

I looked at her trying to suppress a grin forming on my face. She glanced at my face and then swallowed hard. She tilted her head to the side smiling to herself. I decided to do something unconventional. “Did you miss that?”

She froze and looked at my face. “Wh-- what?”

“They told me we were very close, intimate-close,” I replied quietly and she seemed angered.

“Well, they shouldn't have.”

'Why? Because it's not true?”

“No,” she replied and I couldn't believe it. She was too good for me. “Only that you should get there yourself.”

I smiled in my mind but then I froze when her hand skimmed through my skin to touch the cut I had on my lower abdomen. My muscles tensed and there was no way she couldn't feel it. However, she didn't show anything. She narrowed her eyes while examining my wound. It was an incredibly odd feeling I had. That happened before. Her touch and... _her soothing touch._ It seemed to mean a lot to me. But why? “It's going to heal in a couple of hours.” I said seeing her worried look.

She looked up at me confused. She licked her lips and parted them slightly. It was an involuntarily action from her but it brought me over the edge and I realized what I felt at that moment. _Lust._ I swallowed hard trying not to show any signs of my internal arousal.“Hydra injected me with a drug that made the healing quicker. It leaves no scarring whatsoever.”

She didn't look intrigued at all. _She was probably there at that time_ “I know but you've been out of Hydra for quite a while.”

“They injected me the last dose on the day I escaped. I know how long the effects last. I'm fine,” I insisted trying to stop my muscles from tensing each time her fingers came in contact with my skin.

“The effects don't last that long,” she disagreed with me still examining my wound. “And the last time you got the injection was less than two months ago.”

“How do you know?” I questioned but I already knew the answer. “You were there, weren't you?”

She looked at me and nodded slowly. “Plus I tend to be a little mistrustful when it comes to Hydra,” she said carefully pouring some alcohol on a cotton pad and cleaning the outlines of my wound. Her fingers applied gentle pressure on my body, each time causing me to flinch slightly. However with time I stopped and relaxed each time she touched me instead. After she was done, she put some pledget on my wound and secured it with an elastic sticky bandage. She looked at me assessing her masterpiece and she smiled widely.

I couldn't help but grin at her silly smile. She noticed that and her eyes widened. I quickly regretted that action. “Wow, I got you to smile again,” she exclaimed happily. “I guess you just have to get hurt more often and then I can fix you up and make you smile, soldier.”

My body tensed at the last word. Was I still one, or was I only an assassin?

“Well, on the other hand, I'd prefer if you didn't,” she kept going apparently not noticing the change in my behaviour. Or perhaps she just decided to let it go. She looked me in the eye and said quietly. “I don't like seeing you hurt.”

She smiled and stood up ready to help me up wherever we were heading next. I looked up at her and spoke only seven words. Simple words that caused her to hold her breath. Few words that were so strong that they defined everything that happened between us afterwards.

“We seem to have that in common.”


	12. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Memories

I woke up in the middle of the night with a furious headache. I couldn’t think let alone fall asleep with that excruciating pain pulsing in my skull. I opened my eyes slowly and looked around. I felt as if the surface I was lying on was about to swallow me and never let me go. I couldn’t remember the last time I slept in a real bed therefor I had troubles with adjusting to it. After a long moment of staring directly into the ceiling, I decided to give myself time and stood up from the bed. I moved to the floor and lied on it sighing in relief. It was hard and firm and it felt perfectly under my back. I didn’t even bother taking a blanket, I never had one.

The rest of the night went miserably. I slept five minutes then woke up for fifteen more and the cycle kept going. I was exhausted and I blamed the overly comfortable room. I didn’t know how to function with those soft things and materials. I looked through the window and realized the sun was already coming up. _It must be around six o’clock._

I stood up with a sigh of irritation and decided to try the bed again in desperation of getting some sleep. I lied down on it with a deep grunt and pushed the blanket off. _That is just too much._ I kept looking at the ceiling trying to get some memories back into my head. Mostly memories of someone that seemed dear to me before… She was being very helpful and the comments about us being intimately involved caught me off guard. I needed to know if any of that was true. I couldn’t live in the oblivion while she maybe _missed_ me.

Suddenly I heard the knob on my door press and someone opened the door quietly. I froze not even flinching. I was prepared to go into the combat mode any second however then I noticed the familiar figure that stepped into my room and relaxed slightly. She closed the door gently not to cause any noise and looked at me. She was dressed in a long grey T-shirt and I couldn’t shake the idea it belonged to a _man._ Besides that she had nothing else on herself. Her legs presented themselves magnificently in the rays of sun that were coming through the window. She walked towards me and sat on the edge of the bed. Her eyebrows furrowed.

“Why are you not asleep?” she asked hoarsely. Her voice was deep on a daily basis however not that much. I assumed it was due to the early hour.

“The bed’s too soft,” I replied simply looking at her carefully. Somehow whenever she was next to me I couldn’t stop looking into her beautiful eyes.

She nodded in understanding and then smiled warmly. “It’s nice to have an entire bed for yourself, isn’t it?”

“Well, I’ve never had a bed at all, so it’s pretty odd,” I replied furrowing my eyebrows.

“You did,” she whispered and then looked away. I arched my eyebrow in confusion. She noticed my face expression and then explained. “While I was in Hydra, I was assigned to oversee your mental state and your arm. After a while, they decided it would be a good idea if we shared a room together. There was only one bed, for me. Sometimes at night you would sneak into my bed…”

I froze at her words and she clearly noticed. I was terrified. _Please tell me I didn’t…_

She laughed. “Bad choice of words, I guess,” she said putting a hand on my shoulder and smoothing the material of my T-shirt. Her touch was so gentle… “It wasn’t like that, you had never done anything to me I didn’t agree on. You would simply snuggle into my back and wrap your arm around my waist. You were cold, I suppose that’s why.”

I looked at her with interest. That was news to me. Winter Soldier hated anyone’s touch. If I did that, she must had been something truly special. “How often did it happen?”

She shrugged. “Once a week at first. With time it became every night.” She looked at the rising sun and drifted into her thoughts. After a moment she spoke and her voice was shaking slightly. “I wish you could remember everything.”

“Me too,” I whispered and she looked at me with curiosity. “I have no memories yet I feel like there was something… real… between us. Look, I didn’t mean to ask you but I want to know…”

“Shoot.”

“That Fitz-guy and his doc friend said we were... _intimate_ before you left Hydra,” I said quietly and I didn’t even need to ask the question in order for her to understand.

“Yes, we were,” she replied smiling sadly and then laughing bitterly. “But I didn’t _leave_ Hydra.”

“What happened?” I asked feeling I had a major part in it. Her look only confirmed my thoughts. “Please tell me.”

“We… well, we were sort of involved with each other but nobody knew,” she spoke slowly. “Until one morning Pierce found out.” I almost shuddered at the memory of my ex-employer. “He decided to make a bit of a horror show and prove you that you can’t have anyone.” I swallowed hard sensing where she was going with it. “So he… you really shouldn’t know, it doesn’t matter anymore…”

“He hurt you,” I stated simply closing my eyes. When I opened them again her face represented misery. “Badly.”

She nodded shakily. “It wasn’t your fault. It was meant to end like that, star-crossed lovers really.” She gave me a soft smile and gripped the sleeve of my T-shirt.

I shook my head. “It _was_ my fault. We should’ve… I… I’m so sorry.” I looked into her eyes looking for forgiveness even though I knew I didn’t deserve it. I hoped one day I could say that I was able to redeem my awful deeds. At least few of them. “And now I don’t even remember you, then what was it worth?”

She narrowed her eyes in anger. “What do you mean what was it worth?” she asked with irritation. “It was worth everything! We had an amazing time together and if it was entirely up to me, we would have the rest of forever even without your memories. I...I _loved_ you. What Pierce did was worth the outcome. We’re both out and without that event we could have not survive. Besides I’m not sure if you know, but somehow after the wipe, right after they took me out, you remembered. You went after Pierce and you killed him for what he did to me. So it was definitely worth it.”

I looked at her in disbelief. How was I even able to keep my memories after the wipe? It was impossible to do. “That’s not possible.”

“Yet you did it,” she objected tilting her head to the side. Her hand reached to my cheek however she hesitated. I caught her hand with mine and placed it on my cheek sighing deeply. She stroked my face with her fingertips. All of her movements were gentle, she must had known better. “I missed that.”

“Me too even though I don’t remember you,” I breathed moving her hand to my lips and planting kisses on both sides. She sighed in bliss and I was satisfied with the way I could make her feel by such a simple act. I swallowed hard at the thought that had just crossed my mind. I knew she would say no but I needed to ask anyway. She made me feel like it was always okay to talk. “Would you mind lying next to me? Maybe it would help with the softness or…”

She gave me a huge smile and moved her hand away from my cheek. Then she slid next to me on the bed and I pulled the blanket on top of us both. She lied down so that her back was to my front and she snuggled into me and I had to start hoping it wouldn’t cause any… _arousal._ I wrapped my arm around her waist and realized she was still too far away from me for my taste. I pulled her closer which resulted in her muffled laugh. I smiled hiding my face in her hair. “You used to say I keep you warm at nights,” she whispered after a moment. “That’s actually why I came here right now.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled into her hair slowly drifting into sleep, at my genuine surprise. She took hold of my hand and started making circles on it with her thumb. It made me feel even better. Just her mere presence was able to lighten me up. I had to remember her…

My thoughts drifted away as I had fallen deeply asleep for the first time since the last time she was in bed with me.


	13. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for the long wait but I had so many stuff on my mind! Now I'm back and I'll make sure the chapters are posted regularly since I had some written ahead. I hope that those of you who were following the story are still into it because some interesting things are about to happen!
> 
> Enjoy!

_“Do you even believe in true love, Buck?”_

_I looked up at my friend from the book. He was looking at me with a huge smile embroidered on his face. His question got me wondering about the answer for a moment but I realized it quickly. “Me? Of course I do.”_

_“Well, I don't know,” Steve replied with a sigh leaning back on the ground with his arms under his head. “I mean, with your dating track record...”_

_“I'm capable of loving, punk,” I answered narrowing my eyes at him starting to be quite annoyed. Where is he going with this?_

_“Prove it, jerk.”_

_“How do you want me to prove it?” I burst out into laughter giving him a look of disbelief. “I can't just randomly go around looking for the love of my life.” I sighed and closed my eyes putting the book aside. “Besides if she's truly the one, she won't be that easy to find.”_

_“Oh, so there's a description ready,” Steve said happily getting back to a sitting position and looking at me with curiosity._

_“Maybe...” I teased him not truly interested in sharing that with him. It was my personal zone._

_“Come on, I'm your best friend,” Steve started whining giving me the puppy eyes. “Share with me and I promise to keep my eyes open,” he added grinning at me._

_“Very funny, Steve,” I replied shaking my head at his words._

_“Oh, come on.”_

_“Smart and funny,” I said after a moment feeling the sudden need to speak about it. I never had anything planned and it wasn't as if I could plan her but there was some traits I hoped she would have. “The mixture of these two in the best of ways. Someone who can make me laugh but someone who can talk with me about important matters as well.”_

_“That's pretty casual,” he complained eying me carefully. “I expected something extraordinary from you, Sergeant.”_

_I looked at him after he said the last word. Sergeant. I was one after I got my orders two days ago. War was coming and I needed to be ready. However instead I was sharing the characteristics of a women who I would never meet with my best friend. “Ha well,” I sighed deeply in my thoughts. “Bad-tempered. I don't think she's going to be the one if she doesn't argue with me over some petty little things. But we would agree on the major ones.”_

_“That's getting more interesting, keep going.” Steve nodded and leaned in closer._

_I smiled at him and continued. “She's gotta have some fierce in herself. That matters to me. Life can't be boring. There are also the typical things. Loving, caring, loyal, positive and beautiful. But if she had these qualities, she would be gorgeous anyhow.”_

_“Wow, you're a romantic Buck,” Steve teased me and I shook my head in disapproval._

_“Shut up, you asked.” I ignored his comment._

_“Anything else?”_

_“So you could mock me some more?” I asked sitting up and eying my tiny best friend._

_“Oh you know I love you, Bucky,” he replied teasingly but I knew he truly meant it._

_“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled. “Daring, curious and confident. But women are rarely like that.”_

_“Then yours will be the exception,” Steve said firmly to my surprise._

_“You're full of hope, you know that?”_

_“I know and you should be too. It's your future wife we're talking about.”_

_“You're crazy,” I snorted at him looking at the sky. “You should put that on your enlistment form.”_

_“Hilarious,” he mumbled under his breath. “Don't change the subject. Would you call her 'doll'?”_

_“Never,” I answered almost automatically. “She would kill me for it.” I gave it some thought but when I came up with a suitable nickname I smiled. “Little girl. That would annoy her but I wouldn't stop.”_

_“So that's the codename then,” Steve said nodding to himself._

_“What?” I looked at him in confusion._

_“When you finally find her, just call her that when I'm around and I will know,” he simply answered giving me a wide smile._

_“Steve, you're just...”_

_“Just do that, will ya?”_

_“Alright. But don't expect that to happen soon,” I warned my friend seeing how happy it made him feel. I didn’t want to get his hopes up too high._

_“We'll see since it looks like you have it all worked out,” Steve commented smiling widely and clasping his hands together. “You'll meet, fall madly in love, get married, and hopefully choose me as your best man, then kids and happily ever after, am I right?”_

_I couldn’t help but chuckle at the tiny yet overly optimistic Steve but shook my head nonetheless. “But things like that don't happen Stevie. You may meet the love of your life but the woman I just described you, she doesn't exist. She's too perfect.”_

_“Then she'll have other flaws, Bucky,” Steve said sighing at my negative attitude. I couldn’t deny that it would be lovely to meet that woman but I was a realist and she was just a dream and a project of my imagination. “You'll meet her, I'm sure of it. You deserve some happiness in this life.”_

_“I appreciate it, punk, but I think my dating reputation will have to suffice for now,” I laughed and elbowed Steve gently trying not to break his small physique._

_“Never lose hope, buddy,” Steve saluted me and I snorted in disbelief._

_“I'll keep that in mind,” I mumbled wanting the faith he had. Life was probably much easier that way._

_“Lighten up!” Steve exclaimed jumping up and startling me. “One day, when you'll feel lost and alone, you'll look around... and there she is. She'll save you from yourself and you'll be saving her for the rest of your life. Sounds good?”_

_“Too good, punk,” I murmured not liking to imagine how my life was going to evolve since it very rarely followed the plan. “Let it go.”_

_“Never,” Steve protested sitting next to me and putting his thin arm around my neck. “I'll help you find her.”_

_“Like hell you will.” I eyed him carefully._

_“Watch me,” he said with an enormous smile on his face._

I woke up sweating and shaking realizing that what I just saw was no longer the reality and that I would never be that free and happy man again. The realization was the worst part of getting my memories back. The thought of living with the remains of what Hydra did to me was dreadful and I wasn’t sure it was possible.

I looked around and the girl was no longer in my bed. She was the only thing that seemed real and hopeful. Somehow I knew she wanted to help me and I was willing to open up to her knowing her only for about a day. Well, I knew her long before that but I simply had no memories of that. I needed the memories back to feel once more. I started to understand how important they were. Without them, there was no way to be the person everyone knew you as. I was just a shell of a man with no emotions or feelings. And that was not how I wanted to live.

I stood up and quickly put some clothes on wanting to start working on more memories as fast as possible. Mostly so that I could remember Lily but also to make some amends with Steve. He was my best friend once therefore something must had stayed in my memory. _Till the end of the line, pal._ The only line that ringed a bell in my brain when associated with the name Steve. I hoped it was enough to start building something else on it.

 

 

In the morning, I headed back to my own room not wanting to invade his personal space or risk hi relapsing into the Winter Soldier before he knew more about himself. He needed peace and quiet but I couldn’t bring myself to stay away from him. He was the man I loved and even though he didn’t remember that, I cared for him more than I probably should given the circumstances. Everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. was warning me about the effects that my relation with him could potentially have on both of us but how could I care? He was the person I chose to save regardless of the rules I swore to abide. I knew they were wrong and that I was being lied to however to risk your life for someone you barely knew was beyond ridiculous.

However he was different.

I knew he had killed people before, I saw him do that but with the knowledge I had of the brainwashing and torture, it all had come into place in my head. I knew there was no justification but no one could really put themselves into his position so he shouldn’t be judged so harshly. People break under simple threats let alone torture…

When I walked into the common room, I could see everyone staring at him. He was looking at a bunch of photographs lying on the table. He placed his hands on both sides of his head and was concentrating so much that I could sense his irritation from across the room. Everybody expected results from him, but I knew it wasn't the way to get them. He needed everyone's acceptance of who he became, not everyone running around trying to 'fix' him right into Bucky Barnes again.

I came closer and looked over his shoulder. He must had already sensed my presence since when I leaned over his shoulder to look at the photos, and my hair skimmed through his arm, he didn't flinch. And that was his typical reaction to anyone's touch.

“What's that?” I asked casually taking a bite of an apple I got from the kitchen.

“My past,” he replied without moving his eyes from the photos to look at me. I sighed and swallowed the fruit quite loudly and that got his attention. “What?” he asked turning his eyes lightly to glare at me.

“Nothing,” I mumbled with my mouth full and added after swallowing the rest. “It's just pointless.”

“Oh, what I meant was that you're not going to remember anything more,” I explained looking at him with a smile on my face. I was trying to act naturally and convincingly. “They probably brainwashed your brain cells away so... don't get your hopes up,” I finished off taking another bite.

“Lily!” Bruce reprimanded me loudly and everybody glared at me. I shrugged casually and kept my eyes fixed on Barnes. His face expressed pure fury.

“A lot of anger you got there,” I said gesturing to his face. “You should find a way to vent it somehow,” I leaned closer to him and almost whispered. “We wouldn't want to have a Winter Soldier episode again, would we?”

Apparently, my whisper wasn't quiet enough since everybody literally hissed at me and Steve shouted, “What the hell, Lily?!”

However I didn't care for them. I was having a wordless argument with James. We were only staring at each other, but his eyes expressed everything his words couldn't. Everything at once. Anger. Violence. Pain. Sadness. Frustration. Fury. Desire. _Lust._

“What has gotten into you today, Agent?!?!” The voice now had belonged to a very violent at that moment Director Fury. I kept my eyes on Barnes for few more moments and turned to face the Director and his deathly glare.

“Just a bit of a demonstration here,” I replied shrugging my shoulders. Everybody looked at me in disbelief. I knew what went through their minds. He could easily flip. Flip right back into the Winter Soldier mode. He would kill me in seconds, if he did. But I knew he wouldn't. _Not me._ “That's what's going to happen when all of you guys won't quit forcing memories back into his head! It needs to happen gradually, and even so, he will never be the man he once was,” I sighed. “And if you all stopped being so obsessed with, how you're calling it, _fixing him_ , you would've noticed he's easily better than half of us in here.”

Fury gave me an approving look and nodded. “Can't seem to disagree with you,” he rubbed his head. “But let me ask you this, how exactly saying all of these things was supposed to convey your points, Agent?”

I grinned at him. “Well, that's a different story...” He waved his hand at me. I started to walk out of the room grabbing my bag on the way.

“You do realize he could've flipped on you. Dangerous move,” I heard Barton say behind me.

I chuckled and answered without turning back to face him, “He probably would, but it was _me_.”

I left the room with that cheeky comment and didn’t wait for anyone’s reaction to it since I knew how it would probably look like and I had no more energy for arguments. My point was stated and confirmed.

He would never hurt me, no matter what he remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that...  
> I hope you can follow where Lily's narration comes into play and where Bucky's and if not then please, do let me know. Any comments are much appreciated.  
> The next chapters are mostly about their relationship back in Hydra and now in S.H.I.E.L.D. as well as (spoiler alert) the way Bucky is coping with his brainwashing and metal arm...  
> Wait and read if you're interested in that...  
> :-)


	14. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Surprise

After my last attempt at proving that Bucky was no danger to anyone around him, people relaxed slightly when encountered with him. That made him feel at ease but also made me feel better. I felt as if he finally had the opportunity to be completely open with everyone and discover more of his own past. However in spite of more people willing to trust him, there was still a lot of scare going on around the S.H.I.E.L.D. compound. Especially when concerning the Avengers team and Steve specifically which I found disturbing and confusing.

Steve was Bucky’s best friend back in the days and in spite of recent events, I assumed he would still want to get back in touch with him. However after a longer ponder I decided that in Steve’s case it wasn’t the distrust that made them grow further apart but the fact that he wanted Bucky to change into the man he once was. Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on who was asked, that was a good thing. The man Bucky had become wasn’t bad or dangerous. He was simply different and I could understand how in Steve’s old mind it was a horrible thing. Therefore I decided to confront him about that and ease the tension between the two estranged friends.

I headed towards the conference room that recently became the place where all entertainment took place. Steve was sitting there, in the corner, alone. I looked at him very carefully, assessing his mental state. Despite finding his friend, he still had many expectations from him. Unrealistic ones, in my modest opinion. He thought he had found Bucky, however, the man he found was only a fraction of the man he had once known. Steve wanted to help him, make the memories come back, but it wasn’t the memories that were causing him to drift away from Steve.

It was Steve himself.

I walked closer to him in hopes of comforting him. He noticed me and raised his head to look at me. He gave me a sad smile.

“Hey, how are you?” he asked and I smiled back. Also sadly.

“Good,” I whispered. “How are _you?_ I know you’re killing yourself with Bucky, but…” I started but he interrupted me.

“Lily, please, stop. I know what you want to tell me, that I should give him time, but… I just wished he could… stand me.”

I took a deep breath. It wasn’t like Bucky hated Steve. He was distant but it was only due to the pressure Steve induced on him with memories and old sayings, which was nothing Bucky could remember.

“He does need time,” I confirmed. “But… that’s not going to help in him changing,” I added a bit louder and almost everyone’s eyes focused on me. I glanced in the direction of the rest of the Avengers. Bruce took his glasses off and gave me an encouraging smile. He knew it should be done sooner or later.

“What… what do you mean?” Steve asked clearly confused.

“I mean that…” I trailed off to gather my thoughts. I sighed and continued trying my best not to sound harsh. “You need to stop expecting him to be someone he no longer is.”

Steve furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth to defend himself, however I raised my hand in a stopping gesture and carried on.

“He has been through a lot. A whole lot more than any of us here. What Hydra did to him… even before the tragic train accident. You know they conducted experiments on everyone they caught. That’s how he survived the fall. The pain, the suffering, the loneliness… it hits everyone, doesn't matter how strong you claim to be. It’s something that leaves a mark on you. A mark that never fully disappears. He might not be the Winter Soldier but he is not Bucky either, nor he ever will be,” I closed my eyes and breathed. The atmosphere in the room became tense but Steve’s eyes were focused on mine encouraging me to continue. “I have never met Bucky, Steve, but I can bet he was an amazing man, and you miss him but don’t cross _that_ man out just because he’s changed. We all have especially you should know that,” Steve sighed and looked down at my last comment. “I am not trying to criticize you or make you feel bad, it’s just that… He told me that he wished you stopped expecting unreal things from him,” And at these words Steve looked up, his blue eyes saddened. “He wants you to accept him the way he is. I know you all see a Soviet assassin in him, and some of you in me, but he’s nothing like it. Not anymore. He is kind, caring, and maybe a bit bad-tempered but I mean, look at Bruce,” I pointed at my friend, who chuckled wiping his glasses with his shirt. “He’s trying Steve.”

“You spend a lot of time with him, don’t you?” he whispered looking at me carefully.

“I’m trying to help him,” I felt like I was accused of something horrible and I felt a need to defend myself.

He must have noticed my change of tone and added quickly, “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, it’s just that… he says more words to you in a minute than he had said to me since we found him,” he explained sadly.

“I suppose it’s easier for him since we've been through some Hydra stuff together and I didn’t know him before. I have no expectations. The dangerous Winter Soldier mixed with the kind old Bucky is the only Sergeant Barnes I’ve known. I don’t expect him to be someone else, I just deal with what I get,” I added matter-of-factually.

“Why are you doing all of this for him?” Steve whispered.

“Good point you raised here, Capsicle,” Tony joined in on our conversation. I rolled my eyes and faced the Iron Man. “The man tried to kill you several times, murdered my parents and, just to lay it out there, he is capable of murdering all of us in seconds before the Asgardian Lady over there, “he pointed at Thor who didn’t even react to his nickname. “will be able to lift her hammer.”

“Tony, first of all, Hydra murdered your parents. Not even by his hands, and I have proof of that,” I answered calmly understanding his situation. He felt as if that man took away his childhood. However in reality James had nothing to do with it.

“Fair point, I agree,” Tony nodded. “What about killing you? Listen. I know you’re parading around SHIELD in your cute sexy costume and I also know you’re able to put me down before I even come up with a snarky comeback. You’re tough, we get it, but you’re not immortal, sweetie. That guy,” Tony pointed outside the door, “is able to hurt you in gazillion ways, and I’m not even exaggerating. Yes, my parents’ death is not on him, it’s on Hydra, but if something happens to you, it _is_ on him and always will be,” Tony’s voice was becoming more and more insistent with every sentence. “And believe it or not, you mean _the world_ to some of us.”

I gasped for air and my eyes widened. I think it was the only time he had ever admitted to caring for me in such an extreme measure.

“I’m going to have to agree on this one with Tony,” I heard another person speak up. Bruce smiled to me kindly. “I know you just want to help, and believe me when I say it, I want him to get better too, but… not at the cost of your own life. I’m afraid it’s not worth it, in my estimation.”

“His life is probably worth much more than mine,” I replied honestly, but nevertheless touched by their feelings.

Tony sighed and laughed angrily. Bruce just gave me a sad smile, laughed and shook his head in disbelief.

“How- How can you say that?” I heard a broken voice behind me. I knew who it belonged to. I closed my eyes and swallowed. “I- I value your life more than anything. I have no one else left, and don’t try to deny it! Without you, I- I-, no one understands me like you do. I- I need you,” Fitz shouted in my direction but whispered the last sentence. I turned around to face him. He was looking at me waiting for a response. His eyes were frustrated and sorrowful but kind despite it. He was looking at me, begging me to answer him but I didn’t have any good response.

“Fitz, I…” I trailed off trying to say something meaningful. “You just don’t understand. All of you. Yes, I did hate him, and yes, he tried to kill me but he has changed. He did bad things without being fully aware of it and he’s trying to recover now. I knew him before any of you did. I worked with him and you have no idea what kind of things went down in Hydra. What he did back there was incredible. Right now he needs someone to help him and it happened to be me. Do you all think I asked to become friends with a soviet soldier? Well, I didn’t! And I also never asked to be forced to join SHIELD! Do you know how difficult it was for me? I had nightmares of you all slaughtering me in my sleep for weeks after I joined in. Especially Steve actually. Some people that I met here even _chose_ Hydra, but Barnes had no privilege like that. That’s why I believe he needs help from all of us. You guys feel free to do whatever you want but I will help him and I will not be killed by him,” I finished off glaring at Tony who kept giving me irritated expressions throughout my entire speech. I turned to the one I started the conversation with. ”And Steve, just talk to him. No expectations. No per-existing assumptions. Just talk to him like you’ve known before but time passed and he’s changed. And so have you. He is a mixture between Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes but you’re not the same either. Look, I’ve never known Bucky before the war, I wish I have but it wasn’t given to me. But if he was at least half the man Barnes is right now, he must have been the best person in the entire world.” Steve laughed at my words and looked at me, his eyes expressing sincere gratitude. “I wish I had met him.”

I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. He grabbed my hand and held it in place for a second before letting me go with a sigh. I walked towards Fitz hoping he would accept my hug. I didn’t have to wait long before the boy almost jumped on me squeezing me tighter than I thought was possible without permanent damage to my organs.

“I’m so sorry, Fitz, I didn’t mean…” I whispered to his ear.

“Just shut up and don’t say stuff like that ever again, alright?” he whispered back. I nodded my head. I let him go smiling kindly and headed towards the door. And then I froze.

I saw Barnes standing there observing me carefully. His eyes were focused on me, but his gaze was kind and almost… _loving?_

I swallowed hard and I heard Natasha’s muffled laugh behind me. I wanted to glare at her but I was more focused on whether the brainwashed assassin had heard any part of my speech.

“Do you guys have enhanced hearing maybe?” I asked slowly turning towards Steve and Natasha. They were both enhanced soldiers, so they would know.

“Yeah, why?” Steve answered deep in his own thoughts, probably still processing what I had just told him.

“Great,” I whispered stepping forward ready to face James.

He started to walk towards me as well, starting to grin like a foolish child. I shook my head and started, “For the record, I didn’t mean any of it, I was just trying to make you two talk and soothe the atmosphere,” I kept explaining myself while Bucky was still grinning shaking his head at my words. “Personally, I hate you and I believe you’re a psychotic bastard and all…” When he reached me I tried to pass him but he caught my arm and looked into my eyes. His expression not so foolish anymore. He nodded his head and mouthed a thank you. I nodded my head as well. “Don’t mention it.”

“Oh, I don’t think you understand,” he replied. “No one’s ever said anything like that about me. So _thank you_ ,” he repeated putting emphasis on the words. I nodded again with understanding.

Then he let my arm go and I left. I saw him and Steve starting to talk, this time, both of them, at ease. I smiled to myself and exited the room to allow the two of them to talk in peace. I knew they both needed it and I didn’t intend on interfering, especially considering that I already felt like the fifth wheel when it came to their friendship. I was truly surprised Steve didn’t hate me by then.

I walked out and decided to train a bit since I had no time to do recently when I was busy with taking care of Barnes. I knew he didn’t necessarily need it but I couldn’t help myself and wanted to look after him just like he looked after me in Hydra. He needed a friend and I needed one. We were both considered the enemies by the rest of the agents in S.H.I.E.L.D. therefore we needed each other.

At least I hoped he needed me the way I needed him.

 

 

 

Right after my terrible trip down the memory lane and an almost argument with Lily, the scientists of S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted to do a check-up on my health once again. I told them it was completely unnecessary since I knew I felt good but that wasn’t convincing enough for them. They insisted on checking my vitals and my brain activity. They didn’t tell me that but I figured that they wanted to make sure I wasn’t a potential danger to anyone and whether I could relapse or not. I couldn’t blame them for being worried or even afraid. I knew what I did in the past and I was sure it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

While in the lab, the doctor kept glancing at me carefully, probably looking at my arm. “Is there something wrong, doc?” I asked looking at him and narrowing my eyes. I was used to people staring but I didn’t expect that from a scientist that could literally turn himself into a giant green creature.

He raised his head to my face and smiled. “No, of course not. I'm sorry. It's just pure scientific curiosity,” he added.

I nodded in understanding. After a moment of further observation, I could see he was truly interested in the structure of my metal limb. I did think it was a quite remarkable piece of equipment myself so I didn't mind. The only thing I did mind was the staring. When people looked at me as if I was a monster. I knew I was but their looks made me feel even more inhuman and predatory.

“It's pretty amazing how it works,” the doctor commented pointing to my arm. “It has to be attached to your nervous system.”

I nodded in confirmation. “I think it is.” The doctor looked up at me hoping that my answer would mean he could look at it himself. I sighed quietly and offered. “Would you like to take a look?”

He nodded and came closer to me, which in my opinion was a bit too eager. I pulled my T-shirt up revealing the place where the metal connected to my flesh shoulder. You could see the tiny veins there coming from under the metal; the remains of the fall.

Banner observed it carefully without touching. I could feel someone else's eyes on me. I looked up from the doctor and noticed her.

God, she was breathtaking.

I didn't remember much of my past yet, but I knew she was about the only person I had ever felt about like this before. She was looking at me carefully furrowing her eyebrows and observing Banner's every move. She didn't notice me looking at her so I had time to admire her beauty. Her blue eyes fixed on my arm and Bruce, her dark wavy hair surrounding her very light complexion made her look unearthly. I could bet she wasn't aware of the way she was affecting me. It only made her more appealing for me.

Suddenly her eyes locked with mine and she gave me a small smile. The first one I had ever received from anyone, really. As far as my memory after cryo went, it was genuinely the first one. I didn't smile back though, I didn't want her attached to me the way I was to her. Weakness. The word kept ringing in my ears like a curse.

“It's quite amazing,” Banner broke my trail of thoughts by speaking up again. “I'm wondering if there's truly a way they could hide the real thing under it...” he spoke more to himself than to me but his words got my attention.

“What do you mean?” I asked. He looked at me as if only then realizing that he spoke out loud.

“Well, I mean...” he started and looked at me, assessing my mental health to take that piece of information. “Few of us think, no, believe they found the truth behind this thing,” he pointed to the metal arm with a star on it.

“Which is?” I pressured. It started to concern me. Likewise the fact that the brunette observing us before, was now focused on the tiny construction in her hands again, trying to screw it together, was intriguing to say the least.

“Well, some of us have the opinion that there's an arm under it,” Banner replied observing my reaction. I simply furrowed my brows.

"As in a flesh one?” I inquired. He nodded and smiled slightly. “Well, that's impossible. I have memories of it not being there before they planted this thing. It was after the fall from the train,” I responded shocked at these revelations. “That's an insane idea.”

“That's not an insane idea, it's the truth,” Lily spoke up setting the small object she was working on aside. “Hydra made you believe you lost your arm so that they could implant you a new one and make you feel like you owe them. And control you,” she explained standing up and walking towards us. “I read their reports. Not a single one mentions anything about any surgeries performed around the time you were taken by them. And even if it was off books, there would have been a trace left. Trust me, if it existed, I'd find it.”

I looked at her in disbelief. The thought of having my arm back was tempting, however, I knew the truth. “Sorry, to disappoint you, princess, but your information is false. Can't you see the scars just above the metal?”

She glared at me and, oh my, if eyes could kill... “That's just a side-effect caused by the meds that make your arm numb,” she replied and narrowed her eyes. “And don't you ever call me princess again, or else we're going to have a serious problem with each other.”

I tried to suppress my laugh and pretend I was taking her seriously at that moment, but she was just too adorable while threatening me. I knew she could do better than that, she didn't truly mean it.

“Yup, I told you, Lil, there's nothing under,” Stark joined us and now I had to suppress an annoyed growl.

“Yes, there is,” she kept insisting. She dared me to prove her wrong, I took the challenge.

“Go ahead,” I motioned to my arm straightening it to her. She looked at me in pure disbelief. “Let's see who the winner here is.”

She hesitated for a moment, both men looking at her carefully. After a while of thinking, she grabbed a stool and pulled it in front of me. She sat on it and took my arm. First, she examined it looking for any ways to remove it, probably.

“You won't even be able to take it off, I tried,” I whispered to her and she flinched at the sensation of my breath on her shoulder.

“We'll see about that, shall we?” She was so stubborn. I doubted anything could stop her from achieving whatever goal she set for herself. I simply sighed and let her work.

After a while I could hear a clicking sound and then the pain blurred my vision. I clenched my fists and closed my eyes trying to focus on remaining myself and not flipping back.

“James, I'm so sorry, can you hear me?” I could hear her voice but I was desperately trying to stop the Winter Soldier from taking control over my mind. “Hey.” Then her voice was closer and her hand on my shoulder squeezing it slightly. At that touch my mind somehow won the fight. “You alright?” her voice was right beside me now. I opened my eyes and blinked few times.

“What did you do?” I questioned, my voice breaking down slightly. She smiled at me sighing in relief seeing that I was completely fine. Or why...?

“Well, I guess I was right,” he smirked at me. “Now, we just have to find out,” she glanced at me. “Look, I know I'm not wrong, but if I am...”

“Take it off anyways,” I replied knowing exactly what she had in mind. “I want it off, I don't trust myself with it,” I replied quietly.

She swallowed hard but nodded anyway. She slowly put both of her hands on the metal. She used one of them to slightly pull it up, and then slid the other one under it. I held my breath when she tried to loose it from both sides. Stark and Banner were looking at the scene with pure awe written upon their faces.

“I'm not sure if it will, but it might hurt at some point,” she said quietly without breaking the eye contact with my arm.

“I think I can take it,” I responded a bit harshly, however, she simply grinned.

She kept sliding her hand lower under the metal and I felt myself stop breathing when she reached the part, where there should be no flesh. I noticed she felt the same but after a second I could see her smirk at the arm and then at me. “I told you.”

“Is there...?” Banner started completely startled.

“Oh yeah,” she replied. She was awfully full of herself at that moment, but then again, she had every right to be. I was a super-soldier and I had no ability to take it off and it took her seconds to figure out the system. “But I'll need some screwdrivers or something alike to break the metal though,” she referred to the two scientists staring at her with open mouths. Both of them came back to reality and nodded. “And remember it's titanium-based so it needs to be something sharp,” she yelled after them.

I looked at her with my eyes wide open. She did it. I couldn't come up with anything to say so I just kept quiet observing her swift movements. When Stark came back, he stood next to her ready to cut the metal. “I need you to take your hand out.”

“No,” she simply replied. He looked at her utterly surprised.

“What do you mean 'no'? I will cut you if you keep it there,” he insisted.

“But if I take it out, you'll cut him,” she deflected.

“Better him than you,” Stark muttered quietly and I couldn't disagree actually.

“Nope.” _God, she’s something, isn’t she?_ “You don't give a damn about his life, but you obviously care about mine, so... be careful,” she smiled to him and straightened her back.

Stark sighed in irritation and glared at Banner. The doctor simply shuddered and waved his hand for him to continue. Another sigh and Stark started cutting himself into the metal of my bionic arm.

The first piece fell to the ground after few seconds. Lily's hand remained intact and so did… my arm. I kept my eyes fixed on it, unable to believe it was actually there. “You alright?” I heard her say.

I blinked and nodded. “Why can't I feel it?”

She cleared her throat. “Because...” she moved her fingers over the first part of my arm that was released and I wished I could feel her touch, just like couple of nights ago... And then I froze. She pulled a thing that resembled a needle out of my arm. “...of that. It's filled with a numbing factor,” she explained seeing my face expression. “Once it's out you should be as good as new,” she smiled to me.

She removed the rest of the needles and Stark cut the metal. My arm fell lifelessly at her lap and she pressed two of her fingers to my artery, trying to determine if I still had a pulse. After a while of brow furrowing, she exhaled with relief and smiled again. “I guess I was right,” she said grinning at me. “However, I'm not going to lie, I will miss the metal arm at times...” She looked at me seductively and I knew exactly what she meant. I couldn't suppress a smile this time, so the corners of my lips twitched upwards. Seeing that she laughed.

“You are a weirdo,” Stark reprimanded her heading for the door. “You guys alright? I need to talk to Pepper.” Both the doctor and the lovely brunette nodded their heads until Stark left the room.

Few minutes have passed in silence and I started to feel her fingers on my arm. She was massaging the place right where my elbow was bending trying to bring the circulation back. Her touch was so soft. I looked at her fingers making circles on my skin and I felt myself shiver at the sensation of her delightful touch. I tried to slightly move my arm to see if it was real and not just a hallucination. The arm did move indeed, however, so did her fingers from my arm. “Please, don't stop.” I couldn't believe I spoke the words out loud. Even though it was just a whisper, I knew she heard me loud and clear.

She looked at me smiling and returned her fingers to my arm adding another hand.

“I'm going to tell Fury you were right,” Banner spoke up. I knew the only reason he wanted to leave was that he wanted to give us a moment alone. After his words, he left the room leaving us in painful silence.

She looked at me proudly. “I was right,” she said quietly looking me straight in the eyes. I simply nodded and reached my other hand to touch her fingers skimming against my skin. She looked up at me however she didn't stop the touch. Instead she reached her other hand to cup my face and stroke it gently using her fingers. “James...”

All of a sudden, the door opened and Natasha stood in them arching her eyebrow at us. “I've heard you were able to take that damn arm off. Pretty impressive,” she nodded in appreciation for her friend. Lily smiled and her hand dropped from my cheek to her knee.

“Well, you know I have many talents,” she replied sweetly. Natasha grinned at her and gave me an once-over. It seemed as if there was something she was hiding from me. She kept her eyes fixed on me and so did I. Lily coughed slightly and moved away from me. I glanced up at her in surprise to see she looked... _embarrassed?_

“Do you want me to go and take a look at the Bus with Fitz before we leave?” she asked the Russian woman gazing at both of us.

“If you want to. I think he has it under control,” she answered.

"I guess I'll check if he needs any help,” the reddish brunette answered and left the room quickly without looking at me. Natasha sighed and shook her head. She glanced at me and I could see she was arguing with herself whether she should let me know about something. It seemed quite important in my opinion.

“What is it?” I asked starting to be irritated by the tiptoeing around me.

She furrowed her eyebrows. “She believes I'm jealous. And she thinks I want you back.”

I froze and chuckled afterwards. _What?_ She had to know that what had been between us was long gone. I felt nothing more than friendship and respect for Natasha at that point. And I hoped it was mutual. “Why would she think so?”

She shrugged. “She knows about the Red Room, I told her what happened there, not everything of course, but enough to make her feel like the fifth wheel, apparently,” she sighed and looked in the space. I knew she had to remember the Red Room. I had memories of it myself. Broken into pieces and incomplete but I had a general idea of what had been going on in there. I also knew her and Lily were very close. She didn't want her to feel hurt or abandoned. She looked me in the eyes snapping out of her thoughts. “Whatever happened in there was special. But it happened between Yelena and Winter, not Natasha and James. You're my friend and I will always be there for you, but not like before. You know that, don't you?” I was about to nod but she spoke again. “Of course you do judging by the way you look at her. However, I need to hear you say it,” she furrowed her eyebrows. “I'm good at keeping secrets if you want me too, but I need to hear it.”

I swallowed hard and sighed. “I love her,” I whispered facing Natasha. She smiled and nodded. “I do, I can't imagine what could possibly happen if she... I can't lose her. She's the most important person to me right now.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “You know, I care for her as well. I just want what's best for her.  And you need to know that if she trusts you, which she does, you have to do everything to never let her down. Because it takes the whole of her to trust someone, and she doesn't do that often. Consider yourself lucky,” she emphasized every word and I felt like our past was the only reason for her not simply saying 'if you hurt her, I will use all my super-soldier abilities to make you scream in pain'.

“I would never let anything happen to her, and I'd rather die than hurt her myself,” I replied firmly. Natasha nodded and she looked like she was fully satisfied with the outcome of that conversation. She jumped down from the table and left the room without a word.

I kept sitting at the same stool thinking about the only one person I cared for so much that it hurt. She seemed to be there for me anytime I need her to. I knew she had been through some rough path in her life as well, and I wanted to be there for her as well. When I was with her I felt like.... _home._

 

*******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just to let it out there, I adore the idea of the metal arm and the whole thing but in order to spice my story up I wanted to remove that element and make Hydra more manipulative than it already was. I know a lot of people are obsessed with Bucky's arm and I get it, believe me, but I simply wanted to add something new to the story as it had never been done before.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	15. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Release

I was pacing around my entire room unable to sit down calmly. _What is wrong with you?!,_ I yelled at myself in my head. _Of course they have feelings for each other. They have gone through hell together!!!_ And I thought I could be the one for him. How silly of me! He only saw a friend in me, I knew that. But then why did what happen between us happened twice? And why did he crave my touch?

I thought that the things that happened between us in Hydra had some meaning for him. I knew he didn't remember everything however I hoped he would at least have some feelings for me...

Even though Natasha seemed sincere when she talked to me earlier that day, I still felt as if they belonged together and I was interrupting. I couldn't gather my thoughts. I was a professional for God's sake! What was happening to me? Feeling like that over a man had never happened to me since high school. Even with Ward it was different...

There it was. Another problem. He was still imprisoned down in the basement. A small part of me felt sorry for the conditions he was living in but I knew very well he deserved it and I even volunteered to be the one interrogating him just so I could cause him pain.

Suddenly my door opened and then James came in. I gasped in surprise. His eyes were fixed on me while he was walking in my direction. _As usual,_ I thought. Whenever I was around, he didn't lose sight of me even just for a second. But somehow I felt there was something unusual about it that time...

After a while his eyes left mine and wandered around my body. I felt awkward about the unexpected invasion into my room and then I felt as if I was being scanned by him. “Are you okay?” I whispered to stop the irritating silence that was building up fast.

He simply nodded and kept looking at me. However that time his blue eyes were different. He was looking at me with some sort of... _hunger_. I knew exactly what he wanted and I wanted the same thing however I couldn't shake the feeling of it being a terrible idea. I wanted him to remember first...

“You know, whenever you are allowed to or you gain access, you are so cocky and not reserved at all,” I said grinning at him to let him know it was okay. I was referring to touching my body but I gathered there was no reason for me to voice that; he knew. “However when you're not, you're still that young boy from Brooklyn back in the forties.”

At that comment, he smiled slightly. Then he swallowed and looked at me pleadingly. “Permission to touch you?” he asked quietly.

I smiled softly and responded the only way I knew how, “Permission granted.”

His right hand immediately found my shirt and started to play with it. Every single movement he made was slow, which made my breaths faster and my heart beating louder than ever. After a second he raised his hand shyly towards my breast. I held my breath waiting for his next move however there was none. He just stopped inches before the curve of my breast and looked at me questioningly. I sighed and grabbed his hand placing it on my breast myself. We both gasped, him at the long-missed feeling of touching a woman, and me at the sensation of his hand gently pressing on my breast covered only by a thin material of a tank top.

“Lily...” he whispered sensually and I could feel his breath on the top of my head. I didn't realize when he got that close but I didn't mind. I closed my eyes. “Please... let me make love to you tonight.”

I opened my eyes to face him and his request. I looked at him assessing if he was serious but I already knew what my answer would be. I placed my hand on his chest and I felt his heart racing at that touch. “James...” I whispered back swallowing. “Please...” I felt the urge to be fully honest with him at that moment. “There are so many things I want you to...”

"Then tell me all of them and I will do every single one,” he whispered back not waiting for me to finish. I looked at him and his eyes were almost begging for me to agree. He needed this. But did he need me?

Suddenly as if he somehow heard my thoughts, he said, “I know I shouldn't but I think I'm in love with you.”

I gasped for air and stepped forward, closer to his chest. He was a lot taller than me so my head was at the level of his chest. I snuggled my head into him and closed my eyes. I inhaled his intoxicating smell. Citrus fruits mixed with the metal coming from his tags. I gently placed a kiss on him that caused his muscles to tense. I knew he didn't like to be touched but he didn't push me away so that was a huge progress for him.

“If I say yes,” I raised my head to meet his eyes. His breathing was heavy but he was able to control it. “It means I'm going to touch you, all of you. You know that right?” I whispered snuggling into him again. He was so warm.

 

               

In spite of having a shirt on, I could feel her lips brushing my chest, and I was glad she couldn't feel me shiver. “And you're the only one I would allow to,” I answered quietly.

Her hands reached to touch my shoulders, on both sides. However, the one that grabbed my left arm reached lower and tangled her fingers with mine. “How's your arm?”

“It's better,” I replied squeezing her fingers gently to support my answer. “Thank you for convincing me to do it.”

“Don't mention it,” she whispered leaning her left cheek against my chest. I could feel her smiling at something. “Just put it to some good use.”

I grinned at her, even though she couldn't see it. “You bet.” And at these words I moved my hands to her waist. She looked up at me. “I'm still waiting for an answer, you know.”

She smiled. “Do you really need a spoken one?” she teased me. Her hands reached to my jeans and she quickly unzipped it. Then I had to suppress a moan when her hand reached inside, between my boxers and jeans, gently pressing on my growing manhood.

That was enough for an answer to me. I lowered my head to meet hers and caught her by the wrist to stop whatever teasing she was trying to do. She looked at me like a hurt puppy and it almost made me laugh. “As much as I enjoy what you're doing to me,” I whispered to her glancing at our hands down my jeans. “I wanted to make love to _you_. Tonight is all about _you.”_

And then I kissed her remembering precisely how the first time had looked like. It had been furious, filled with desire, hunger and lust. We just wanted to get it out of our systems. However that time didn't end in an actual intercourse, it still meant a whole lot to me. That was the first moment I had let anyone that close to me.

This kiss, however, was on a completely different level. It was sweet, filled with love and care. God, she was an amazing kisser. I wished I could stop the time and keep holding her like that forever. She was the only one I trusted with my life and the only one that I had let to see the worst parts of me. And she didn't leave me after seeing everything that I had done. She wasn't frightened. She was worried about me. “How come you're not involved with anyone?” I asked after I broke the kiss. I considered letting it go but the thought of her being so kind and sweet, and there was no one to appreciate it...

“Well, apparently, I'm ugly and intimidating,” she whispered back and then laughed. “At least that's what I've been told.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. Complete bullshit. “You are beyond pretty and not intimidating at all,” I replied firmly trying to convince her. However I doubted it was needed. She never cared for others' opinions. She was always fine by herself. Sometimes I wondered how strong she truly was. “Well, after considering it for a while, you might be a tad intimidating. Not for me though.” She laughed at my words and wrapped her hands around my neck. I kissed her again lowering my hands until I could grip her thighs. I lifted her and she wrapped her legs around my waist with a quiet moan.

I moved our tangled bodies towards the bed and lied her on it while getting myself on top of her. I kept kissing her gently, my hands skimming through her warmed up body. Her fingers were tangled in my hair and she kept tightening her grip on it which sent shivers across my spine.

After a while we brought ourselves back to a sitting position. I reached at the bottom of her tank top and quickly removed the item that was blocking my way to her soft light skin. She shivered when there was nothing covering her so I took my own shirt off and moved closer to her until her breasts were against my chest. I could feel her heart racing but then so was mine. I cupped her face with both of my hands and kissed her seductively. She moaned into my mouth which only made me convinced she was enjoying what I was doing to her. “James...” she breathed when my lips left hers and moved to her neck. “Please...”

“Whatever you want,” I repeated my earlier words. She sighed in pleasure and lied down on the pillows. I kept kissing her neck and heading towards her abdomen. When I reached it, she spread her legs and I smirked at her compliance. She was finally agreeing for me to take control of things.

“Please,” she whispered closing her eyes. I pulled on the material of her laced-panties and forced them to the side in order to have better access. I spread her legs even wider and took a firm grip on both of her thighs.

“With pleasure,” I whispered before I brought my lips closer to her warm entrance. She could only feel my breath but she was already trying to move around but my arms were successfully preventing it. When my mouth finally touched her she moaned even louder. I knew exactly how to please her from our last encounters back in Hydra. It wasn't too difficult to bring her over the edge since she was incredibly sensitive for my teasing, but either way I always did my best and more.

 

 

After a moment, he stopped his teasing, much to my dismay. I sighed heavily and tried to reach for him but I couldn’t seem to find him. I could hear him chuckle and then his hand traveled from my knee up to my thigh sliding across my sensitive folds once more. That did it. I kissed him almost violently pushing him onto the bed. It took him by surprise and he gasped for air, however after a second he returned the kiss and cupped my cheek to keep me close. In the position we happened to be in, it was very easy for me to straddle him therefore that was exactly what I had done.

He moaned quietly into our kiss. “Are you sure you don’t have _that_ much experience?”

I chuckled breaking the kiss long enough to take my top off. “Well, just because I don’t, doesn't mean I don't know my way around a man,” I whispered leaning close to him and slightly biting his neck. He moaned again grasping my thighs with both his hands. He slid them under my shorts and started to make his way under my panties. It caught me off guard and he used the moment of weakness to switch our positions so that he was on top. I pretended to be offended and punched him slightly on his arm. However, it only made him laugh. He pulled away from me and threw his shirt across the room. I have already seen him naked when we were out on a mission and he pleased me in the most amazing way, however this was different. He was in a perfect shape. Every single muscle was ideally toned and when my hand reached to touch him I enjoyed how perfectly firm he felt under my touch.

“Are you still with me?” he laughed arching his eyebrow at me. I must have been in a total awe of his body. I glared at him.

“Well, let me admire,” I replied cockily. His eyes became even darker at my words.

“Oh, please, help yourself,” he said hoarsely and leaned in to kiss me. “But trust me, I have more to admire, my love.”

I was about to give him some snarky comment, however his last words left me speechless. He must have noticed it since he moved his lips down across my neck and breasts to keep me quiet. I decided to enjoy what he was doing to me and closed my eyes. His lips were leaving hot trails all over my body. Every single time he broke the contact and then kissed me again, a moan would escape my mouth which made him chuckle every single time. “Is it nice?”

“Shut up and don't stop,” I ordered breathlessly when I felt his hands pulling my shorts along with my panties down.

“Yes, ma'am,” he said and then leaned closer to my entrance teasing me with his breath. I held my own waiting for the sensation of his lips on me, however he stopped his sweet torture. I hit him with my open hand on his shoulder, and he laughed.

“What did I say about stopping, ha?”

“I see someone's impatient,” he whispered but kissed my inner thigh. “You shouldn't be because that might take a while, my dear,” and with those words his lips landed on my oversensitive womanhood. I couldn't control my body even if I tried. I pushed my hips upwards to bring his head closer but it only resulted in him gripping my thighs tightly with both of his arms. His movements were impressively precise and I couldn't believe I was his first after waking up from the cryo. His licks and kisses quickly brought me to a climax. My whole body was shaken up and covered in a thick layer of sweat. And I could sense he wasn't done.

“So,” he whispered kissing his way up my body until he reached my face. “Is there something you want?” he asked seductively. I smiled in the exact same way. I was in a very teasing mood.

“Depends, is there something you recommend?” I asked widening my smile. I could see his eyes expressing disbelief but after a split second it was only pure amusement.

“Well, there's plenty,” he replied with his husky voice that sent shivers across my spine. He kissed me once more, with passion and lust. _I loved his kisses._ He was being sensitive and caring but lustful and violent at the same time. I adored that mixture he was giving me. His hands were searching my body as if it was our last time to ever touch one another. My hands felt the need to do similar therefore I reached to cup his cheek and tangle my fingers with his hair. It resulted in a low groan coming from his throat. I smiled into our kiss pleased with my achievement. After a while his hands gripped my waist and brought me closer to him. I moaned again feeling him exactly where I needed it most.

“James,” I sighed in pleasure when one of his hands slipped between my legs to tease me once more. I spread my thighs wider and I could hear him unzipping his jeans.

My fear had had started to build up inside of me when James pulled his jeans and boxers down and I could see his rather impressive manhood. Well, impressive was a bit too weak of a word to describe it...

“Wow, let me stop you right there,” I exclaimed raising up slightly, however not leaving from under him. He eyed me in confusion. “There is _no_ way in hell this-” I motioned to his private parts. “-is going to fit into this,” then I gestured between my spread legs.

Then something I had never expected happened.

The Winter Soldier was so amused that his laughter made him beetroot red. His eyes were filled with pure amusement. While I was quite content with seeing him at ease and with such happiness, I felt extremely offended that he was simply making fun of me. He must have noticed my hurt look because he tried to calm himself down and looked at me seriously. “It will, don't worry about it,” he reassured me calming down slightly. “Besides I assumed we did it before. Didn’t we?”

I shook my head while swallowing hard. “Well yes, but my perspective changed,” I mumbled and clearly amused him more. It’s just that…”

“Hey, you'll be alright,” he whispered softly cupping one side of my face. He gave me an encouraging smile. “You don't have to do this though if you don't feel like it. I mean, it's okay if...”

"No,” I stopped him smiling slightly trying to overcome my fear.

He smiled at me and stroked my cheek. He slowly nodded his head as a question and I nodded in response. I lied back on the bed and closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them his face was right above me. “Okay?” he whispered. I nodded again, unable to come up with any form of words at that time.

Suddenly, I could feel the tip of him at my entrance and I felt dizzy. “I feel like I might faint,” I announced and then realized I probably should stop saying all of those awkward things but he didn't seem to particularly mind.

“That might be a bad idea,” he only responded smiling again. I quickly nodded again when I felt him making circles at my entrance. I took a deep breath and exhaled. He looked at me carefully. “Just breathe, okay? Relax.”

And then he was inside of me and my eyes widened. James stopped immediately when he was entirely inside. “Shh... relax, my love, it's okay,” he whispered into my ear. “Just relax, and breathe, baby, you're okay.”

I quickly brought him into a tight embrace and buried my head in his shoulder. He did the same but put his head next to my head instead inhaling the smell of my hair. “I'm really sorry,” I mumbled. “You had probably expected something extraterrestrial and you got a girl who won't let you move now and talks too much.”

He laughed slightly which made him move inside of me. The pain was still there but started to disappear. “There's this saying,” he started speaking into my hair. “That if you can't laugh and joke around while you're having sex, you're doing it with the wrong person,” That made me smile and relax more. “Besides, I _am_ enjoying this and I wouldn't trade it for anything _in million years.”_

I laughed at his comment and chose to believe he was simply trying to make me relax. I moved slightly which caused a friction between our bodies and I exhaled deeply closing my eyes again. “Does it still hurt?” he whispered with worry in his voice stroking my cheek gently.

I smiled in bliss. “No,” I breathed opening my eyes. He looked at me utterly confused. I used the leg that I had wrapped around his waist to cause another movement between us and that resulted in both of us moaning in pleasure. He seemed to understand my actions because he started to move slowly and gently. Every single one of his moves brought me genuine pleasure and I was cursing myself for not trying all of that earlier.

After a while, I gave him an angered glare when he didn't seem to quicken his thrusts. “Come on, is that the best you can give me?” I teased trying to provoke him.

And it worked perfectly.

Suddenly, he showed me exactly how amazing it could get and I was on the verge of a yet another orgasm. His thrusts became deeper and faster but it only made me enjoy it much more. I still had my arms around his neck and I used them to bring him closer into a kiss. He happily complied kissing me hungrily without any hesitation.

“James...” I breathed when I could sense we were both on the edge of coming off. He gave me few last thrusts and moaned my name when he finally came. I wasn't able to control my breath after that experience. I was in utter bliss. My heaven-like feeling was only enhanced by him smiling into my neck. He didn't pull out yet or moved from above me so I enjoyed his closeness and the warmth his body was emitting. He was shielding me from the cold air hitting my sweaty skin. I was sure the sheet would have to be washed after that experience since I was positive there was in fact blood on it.

“How was it?” he asked quietly speaking into my hair, his voice making me shiver. “Did I live up to your expectations?”

I chuckled and started stroking his back. “How do you know I had any?” I teased.

“Everybody has some,” he replied huskily. I could sense the desire for more in the tone of his voice. “Mine exceeded any imagination I could possibly have, for example.”

I smiled in pure happiness. “Well, I bet you'd have a better time with someone who had at least the slightest idea of what was happening.”

“Oh, you gave me the experience of my life. And as a matter of fact,” he breathed into my ear. “I'd like to repeat it sometime.”

“As in next week?” I teased him again. I had to admit, it brought me incredible joy.

“As in right now and every single night until next week,” he whispered hoarsely into my ear and I almost melted. He must have sensed it since he chuckled happily.

“Why only until next week?” I asked pretending to be offended. I sounded like a hurt child that was denied the toy it had always dreamed of, and I was awfully proud of myself.

“If it's entirely up to me, I'd like to have you forever.”

At those words my heart skipped a beat. I wasn't sure he was ever that much at ease before. He spoke freely, full sentences, he was genuinely laughing. I was overjoyed to see him like that. And his last words... I could only think of one possible answer. I brought him even closer to me and brushed my lips against his ear. “Done.”

He held his breath for a long moment and then kissed with so much desire that it burned my heart. We started our make out session once again excited to be in each other’s' arms.

And then it happened.

Just like that. In between our passionate kisses and sensual strokes across our bodies. Something flipped in him. His eyes went dark, but not from lust, from _murder._ He fixed his eyes on me clearly observing me in case I made any sudden movements. One of my legs was still wrapped around his waist and the other one was lying loosely on the bed. His grip on that one leg tightened, almost till the point of pain. He was still inside of me and when he noticed that his breathing became heavy and he tightened his metal arm on my flesh one to prevent me from escaping. As if considering our current position, I could escape anywhere...

“James...” I breathed reaching my hand to his cheek, but his hold on me successfully stopped it from going too far. However, I managed to use my fingertips to slightly skim across his skin. He inhaled deeply, but his eyes were still showing no signs of any recognition of me.

“James, please, you know me...” I whispered. “It's me, Lily. And I need you to snap out of this, _honey._ ”

At my last word he seemed to shiver a bit and his grip relaxed a tad. Just enough for me to reach to cup his cheek. He leaned towards my touch and closed his eyes. “I am so sorry, I shouldn't have even come here, and I can hurt you easily without knowing and...” he trailed off and I exhaled seeing he was back to himself. He tried to get up and leave, but I secured my leg around his waist to prevent that from happening. As the effect of my actions, he slightly fell right back on me and thrust in making me moan. It did make him take a deep breath as well, therefor I grinned. “Don't go anywhere, please.”

“Didn't you see what just happened?” he asked me in disbelief, however he didn't move an inch. “I don't think you're aware of exactly how much you mean to me. I _can't_ lose you, ever. That's going to kill me in all ways possible. You're... you are the only person I trust. The only person I need. I...” he stopped to look at me. I was listening carefully, and I understood. Although, I knew what he meant and I felt the exact same way, I just couldn't let him leave. I was selfish when it came to him. I needed him safe and alive, but I wanted him next to me as well.

“I don't think you can hurt me,” I replied at which he blew a raspberry and shook his head. “You won't, I know it. You may not trust yourself, but I trust you. And you have no idea how much it means to me. I barely trust anyone.”

He narrowed his eyes and I could sense him move inside of me slightly. His hand wandered off to my waist again. He moved inside me again, making me moan, and he kept going making me warm again from the excitement.

 

 

We continued our lovers' escapade throughout the entire night, however, when at the end I was lying securely wrapped into his embrace I felt unease. There was only one question on my mind and one question only.

_What triggered it?_

Had I done something to make him relapse? Maybe it was a mix of all the emotions he was experiencing at that time. I wanted to unravel that mystery simply to help him. I wanted to know what to do and what not to. I needed to be the one who he trusted completely without a shade of doubt. Perhaps, I needed it so much because he had my full trust...

I glanced up at him. His expression was relaxed, even a slight smile was there on his sleeping face. He looked so peacefully, so innocent. As if there was no war, no experimentation by Zola, no Winter Soldier. As if it was just us in that moment.

And I suppose it was.

 


	16. Part 2: S.H.I.E.L.D.: The Mission

“How exactly uncomfortable are you getting with public displays of affection?” I asked in a professional tone of voice glancing from behind James' arm at our target.

“Very,” he replied giving me a confused look. I sighed and returned my eyes to him.

“Well, you're going to have to hold it together for a while,” I complained to him and to my communicator, and I heard a muffled laugh in return. “I'm glad you guys are enjoying this. Why don't you come over here and we exchange places?” I looked at a couple sitting on a couch across the hallway. They were suppressing their laughter and pretended to be overly interested in the furniture in front of them.

“Well, I'm utterly positive you are a whole lot better equipped for the assignment than us, love, if you know what I mean,” Hunter cleared his throat at the end of his highly eloquent British statement. Bobbi laughed hiding her face in his shoulder.

“I don't know what they mean,” James complained into my ear furrowing his eyebrows in irritation. After a while, he seemed to understand Lance's reference since he glared at him and Hunter winked in return whispering 'sorry mate' into our communication system.

“Guys, brace yourself, the target is on your right,” Hunter said slowly switching from his joking mood to the serious operational one. That was exactly the reason I needed him on that mission. He was reliable and our past made us an indestructible team.

I looked at the man walking towards our direction with two bodyguards on each side. He didn't notice us. Usually, it would be a good thing but at that moment, it was exactly what we were lacking. We needed to get inside of his facility and the only way in was through his main business which he was using as a cover-up. A sex club. Therefor we needed to make a bit of a _scene_ to get him to notice us. I knew James wouldn't like it, hence my previous question.

“Folks, we need to act, now,” Bobbi spoke up and I turned to face Barnes. He looked at me frustrated as ever.

“What is your plan?” he whispered in anger. He hated being left out of the plan. However, I had no time to fill him in in that exact second so I gave him an encouraging smile instead.

“Just... go with it, okay?” I replied sweetly. It only raised his annoyance to a higher level. “And please, don't go all Winter Soldier on me,” I whispered more as a quick reminder than an actual worry before bringing his head closer to mine and kissing him passionately.

It caught him off guard and he gasped for air but after a brief moment he returned the kiss.

“Guys, you're kissing like two teenagers who are skipping school in order to make out but are too afraid to leave too far away therefore they stay on the school's premises and kiss gently to avoid bruises for the teachers and parents to see” Hunter exclaimed in his perfect accent almost as if he was quoting something. If I could see him at that time, I would definitely give him the killer look. Bobbi chuckled but I could hear she hit him on the shoulder. Lance sounded highly shocked. “What was that for? They need to be convincing,” he turned to us. “Just give it some passion, for the love of God. Lil, you're all about passion, show some now.”

I grunted into the kiss getting slightly disturbed by him giving me kissing tips. However, he had some valuable points there. We were standing pretty stiff and only kissing. It needed to be _sexy._

I reached one of my hands behind his head and tangled my fingers with his hair. I used the other one to wrap it around his neck and bring him closer. That resulted in his uncontrollable moan which only made me actually want _more._ His hands wandered off to grip my waist and one of them slid under my shirt. _Wow, now we were getting somewhere._ I deepened the kiss and moaned which gave him the opportunity to part my lips and slide his tongue inside stroking my teeth. I took a tighter grip on his neck enjoying our show of tenderness a little too much than the situation called for. I knew it would probably be enough but a part of me wanted him to give me more. I knew it wasn't something we could do then. We simply needed to get our target’s attention and nothing more. However, the memory of the night few days back was haunting me and I needed a repeat.

After a long while, someone cleared his throat next to us. We broke the kiss slowly and looked to the side. _Bingo._

“Hello. My name is Martin Plough and I would like to make an offer for you,” the man in the suit introduced himself and smiled slightly. I clung to James involuntarily knowing what that man was capable of. Part of me wanted to kill him right there for all the things he had done to the poor girls. The other part, however wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. In that moment, the weak part took over. James tightened his arm protectively around me. “Would you be interested?”

I made myself smile wholeheartedly to him and James tried the same. He nodded and the two men by his side showed us the way.  We were walking quietly through the corridor and suddenly we were interrupted by a couple tripping in front of our feet. They separated their kiss and smiled innocently. “We're very sorry,” the man whispered.

“You know, sexy lustful love,” the girl added. Both of them in a British accent. James and I both arched our eyebrows at the girl's way of speaking.

Mr. Plough's eyes expressed pure enthusiasm. “Oh, of course, I understand,” he smiled warmly. _What a psychopath._ “Actually I am having a couple here with the same passionate type of love like yours. I have an offer for them, why don't you join?”

The couple looked at each other carefully. “Does it involve plenty of sex?” the man whispered winking at him.

The leading man smiled. “Oh yes.”

“Then we're in.”

“Perfect!” the owner exclaimed and clasped his hand together at which I shivered. James immediately brought me closer to him and I made a note in my head to thank him for it later on.

The man and his bodyguards stepped forward leading us inside his club. I glanced at the couple and mouthed. “British accent, really? You sure you can pull that off?”

Bobbi shrugged. “I like a good challenge once in a while.”

I shook my head and Hunter winked at me.

_Well, let’s do it._

 

 

 

“So, I'll be back shortly and then you let me know what you think, alright?” Plough smiled and left the room quickly after explaining his proposal to us. I had to try really hard not to kill him during his presentation since everything he told us were simply colorful lies. He was a murderer that used his alibi as a sex club owner to lure certain type of people. People that were rich – for money. People that were young and healthy – for organ donation. People that were single and alone – for simple pleasure of killing someone without anyone actually noticing.

I exhaled and relaxed my posture leaning on James' chest. His hand gripped my thigh and he sighed. “What now?”

“Well, we can't simply say no to him now as well as we can't exactly say yes either,” Bobbi whispered to me glancing at the door to see if he was coming back.

“Then what are our choices because it sounds like the Playground left us alone in this,” Hunter gave each one of us a questioning look. I sighed again turning my head away from them to think. And I was damn glad I did it.

“Oh no,” I breathed but everyone heard me and froze.

“What?” Hunter whispered back and I could hear the tension in his voice.

“Rumlov,” I simply stated.

“Wait, as in the SHIELD-actually-Hydra Rumlov?” she asked in disbelief. “The one that almost got the two of you killed?” I nodded my head swallowing hard. I looked at James who was completely frozen and didn't even turn around to see if it was actually him.

“Well, if he's here our choice is quite simple,” he spoke suddenly. We all looked at him hoping he came up with something reasonable.

“Well, which is what, mate?” Hunter pressed.

“Run.”

“Are you serious? We are this close,” Hunter brought his thumb and pointing finger together to fully convey his message.

“No, wait. He's right,” I interrupted turning to face them. “You guys are safe but Brock knows us. Both. He cannot see us,” I explained biting my lower lip seeing as Plough was bringing Rumlov inside the room we were all in.

“Shit,” Bobbi whispered and wrapped her arm seductively around Hunter's shoulder preparing to go back to her cover-self. Hunter cleared his throat and gave me an expecting look. I bit my lower lip harder trying to come up with something. I had only one idea. A bad one. But decided to go with it.

When the door opened I quickly changed my position so that instead of sitting on James' laps, I was straddling him. I quickly brought him into a deep kiss lowering my head so that my hair covered both of our faces. James followed my trail of thought entirely and moved his face in order to have it under my hair. He put his hands on my ass bring my closer and making me moan.

“They couldn't help themselves, could they?” Plough asked and I could hear him moving some papers on the desk.

“Nope, they couldn't,” Hunter chuckled and if there was indeed any nervousness he did an amazing job in covering it.

“I guess they just can't keep their hands off of each other,” Bobbi added happily.

“I suppose,” Plough answered and I could hear Rumlov laugh. That sound made me shiver. “Just one more matter and I am back fully to your disposition. I hope your friends will be done by then.”

Bobbi and Hunter both laughed and the door shut, however I kept kissing Barnes in case someone stayed.

“They're out and so are we. Now,” Hunter spoke up and I broke the kiss.

I stood up clumsily giving James a half-apologetic half-appreciative look and smiled. He shook his head but returned the smile and we rushed out of the room using the back door and avoiding bringing any attention to ourselves.

Well, that didn’t go as planned and I had no idea what Fury was going to say to that. However at least one thing went as it should. James proved he can be trusted in the form of not relapsing again. I didn’t inform anyone about the incident behind our bedroom door because I knew what everyone would say. About us, and about the danger I was putting both of us in. Especially that I gathered it wouldn’t matter if they knew or not. It wouldn’t change anything.

 

 

 

 

I furrowed my eyebrows at the paper I was carefully reading. I hated SHIELD's mission reports. Some agents were completely unaware of the proper English grammar and punctuation rules. I sighed in irritation. I felt the bed next to me bend slightly when someone sat on it. I shivered when I felt wet hair on my shoulder as Natasha leaned closer to see what caused my frustration. She narrowed her eyes and nodded slowly. Her coppery hair were wet and she kept pressing a towel to dry them. She was dressed in a dark green tank top and black leather pants. “I hate these as well,” she complained without looking up at me from the paper.

I nodded in response. “Some of them shouldn't be allowed to write in English.”

She chuckled and looked at me. “Damn right,” she sighed and started tightening the towel on her hair to get the excess water out. “Some Americans shouldn't be Americans,” I knew she meant the ones who were making first graders mistakes, however her eyes Landed on Barnes who was cleaning his gun on the other side of the room. He stopped his movements almost as if he could sense her looking at him. _He probably did._

We were assigned to write the report on the mission that James, Hunter, Bobbi and I carried out yesterday and Natasha joined in to help us. I suppose she simply wanted to keep her watchful eye on us but I didn’t mind. She was like family to me.

“Thank you for your concern, however my English is impeccable,” James replied and I could swear his voice was soaked with... playfulness.

“Oh, I know,” Natasha laughed looking at his back. “What I meant was that you could easily pass as a Russian. Probably with more ease than as an American.”

She had a point. His Russian was more than prefect. Likewise, his accent. He had the same level of proficiency as Natasha and sounded like a native. But then again, I wasn't American either and yet I sounded like one. “You both could easily be of at least three different nationalities.”

Natasha looked at me smiling widely. “So could you. Polish, American, British, Russian, Spanish, Australian and there are probably few more.”

“I don't have a Spanish accent.”

“But you have the Argentinian one. You'd be fine,” he chuckled. “That's what master assassins have in common, am I right, Winter?” Natasha spoke louder glancing at James.

He froze and turned to face her. I sighed in defeat. She loved to tease and annoy him. Sometimes I felt as if he had done something to her in the past and she wanted to take revenge on him for the rest of his life. “I'm not him anymore.”

“And I'm not Yelena,” she said firmly and I swallowed hard. Alone I felt at ease with them, however together they terrified me.

“When exactly do I call you that?” he arched his eyebrow at her walking towards the bed that we were both sitting on.

Natasha remained focused on his eyes for a while but the she relaxed and smiled. She stood up and hit him playfully on the shoulder and I burst into laughter. “Relax, I'm just joking around.”

He froze when she gave him the punch and apparently he wasn't prepared at all since he landed ungracefully on the bed besides me. I stopped laughing and I was in a complete utter shock.

“I can't believe I just knocked the Winter Soldier down with a joke,” Natasha laughed and walked into the bathroom to put the towel back in its place.

James looked at me and I could swear I saw a bit of redness coming to his cheeks. I smiled at him warmly. “She does that all the time, don't worry about it.”

“I know,” he replied softly. My smile faded away at his response. _Of course he knew. They were lovers after all._ I looked back at the paper and all of the joy I had before left me. I had to admit, the thought of them together _hurt_ me. Why, however, that was a question I wasn't able to answer. Maybe I was jealous, as usually, of someone that wasn't and would never be mine. That was a typical thing of mine. Falling for the worst type of people like Ward, or for the ones that would never want me, like Barnes.

On the other hand, I was always jealous of Natasha. She was my best friend and I loved her beyond anything else, however she had the looks, the personality and the attitude that got every man she would meet off his feet. I had none of those. I was a plain girl with a sarcastic sense of humor and intimidating tactics that every man was afraid of.

“Jealous again?” I heard and I almost jumped from my sitting spot glancing at the person who spoke. Natasha was standing at the center of the dark living room with both her hands at her sides. She was smiling widely at me fully proud of making me so uncomfortable.

“I don't know what you're referring to, Romanoff,” I responded clearing my throat and putting the papers to the side.

She nodded jokingly. “Huh, hard to believe,” she said glancing at James and I did the same only to realize that his eyes hadn't left me. “She's jealous of us, I told you.”

I froze realizing she was taking to James. “I can see that but she has no reason,” he replied not moving his eyes from me to Natasha.

“She doesn't realize that apparently.”

“Don't talk about me like I'm a child,” I answered coldly. “I'm still in the room, for your information.”

I stood up and closed the laptop I was working on before. I took it and moved to my bags and started packing them. We were supposed to leave that place in an hour or so therefor I decided to spend the time packing instead of listening to them bickering over me. Natasha sighed and put her jacket on while finishing finger-drying her hair. “Fine. I'll go get some coffee,” she said opening the door. “Don't leave without me,” she warned shutting the door.

Suddenly the lights went off and I froze. _What the hell?_ “No worries everyone! The battery died! Fifteen minutes and the power's back up!” I could hear the voice of the owner shouting across the hallway and relaxed a bit. I let out a sigh of relief and zipped my bag.

I stood up exhaling and I felt someone's body pressing behind me on my back. Not someone's. James'. My breath got stuck in my throat and I parted my lips. The entire room was flooded in darkness so there was no way of backing out since I would trip over the nearest bag. Suddenly his hands wandered off to grip my hips and turned me around to face him. I couldn't see him clearly however I could hear his breath perfectly. It was _shallow._

“Why are you jealous?” he asked huskily making me shiver.

I swallowed quietly hoping he wouldn't notice. I knew my attempt probably died however I kept looking at him firmly. “What?” I gasped and that made me realize I was out of breath.

Despite the darkness surrounding us, I could see him grinning at me. _Oh boy._ I didn't know what had gotten into him but I had to admit, it was becoming interesting. “You don't have to, you know,” he whispered against my ear and I had no idea when he had gotten so close. “I thought I proved myself to you.” He let go of my hips and I immediately started walking back slowly. Each step back that I took, he compensated with one of his following me. When there was no place left to go backwards, my back hit the wall and I gasped again. His body came close to me and I had to look up to overcome the height difference. I found myself being strangely _aroused._

“James, what are you...” Before I could even finish his hands were on my waist again and his body was pressing against mine. I let out a moan at that pleasing sensation and he chuckled. However he suddenly stopped his movements and his grip on my hips tightened. He pulled me up against the wall and I immediately took the hint and wrapped my legs around his waist in a tight embrace. He groaned deeply and his hands went under my shirt. His cold hands against my hot pulsating skin made me shiver however he only took it as an invitation to do more. He pressed our bodies closer together and I reacted instinctively at that action without even contemplating why he was doing all of that. I simply didn't care. I ground against him which resulted in him moaning quietly. Our breaths were shallow and despite the complete darkness we kept looking straight into each other’s' eyes.

“Don't be jealous,” he breathed leaning his forehead against mine. “Please.”

I wanted to say something however my slightly parted lips were immediately attacked by his. Our mouths crushed making us both inhaling deeply but we didn't stop. I tangled my fingers with his hair pulling him closer into the kiss. His right hand left my back and gently cupped my cheek. The kiss was passionate, full of desire and lust however it was also sweet and sensitive. The mix was incredibly pleasuring. I had dreamt of kissing him again for a long time, especially after our most recent mission together. His lips were warm and soft fitting into mine perfectly. I sensed some hesitation in his touch however it was not inexperience. He knew what he was doing but somehow I felt like he was _afraid_ to do it. I stopped the kiss to take a breath and leaned my forehead against his again. “Why are you stopping yourself?” I breathed silently.

He looked into my eyes that were filled with passion and... _fear._ “Because I don't want to hurt you.” His expression showed pure misery and I wanted to make it stop.

“But you would never do that,” I whispered stroking his cheek and smiling when he leaned into my touch closing his eyes. “I trust you. And it means more for me than anything else. I don't just go and spread that shit around so I hope you see how meaningful it is for me.”

He chuckled slightly and looked at me again. “But I can relapse at any given moment. It already happened with you.” He sighed and shook his head. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall bringing his head closer to me. His lips found its way to my neck and nipped at me lightly. I shivered at that sweet sensation. “Are you still jealous?” he whispered between kisses.

 “You guys were lovers,” I breathed knowing it could ruin the mood however I needed him to be aware of what was bothering me especially since we were sharing such an intimate moment.

“It was a long time ago, over forty years,” he whispered moving his hand from my breast down my stomach and I felt warm wetness coming between my legs at the thought. “I wasn't the person I am now and neither was she.”

“It still kind of hurts,” I admitted gasping and opening my eyes to face him. He stopped kissing my neck and looked up at me.

“Lil,” he whispered softly. “We're only friends, nothing more. She would never do anything like that to you. You're her best friend and she knows how I feel about you.”

I arched my eyebrows grinning foolishly at him. “And how _do_ you feel about me?” I was incredibly interested in his answer. Was he just messing with me to get what he wanted? Or was he being honest?

He chuckled and slid his hand under my pants and I gripped his shoulders with both my hands widening my eyes. “ _That_ would be a topic for a different conversation,” he teased me. “Another day.”

I sighed in frustration. He could be awfully irritating. Sweet and caring but annoying. His lips came back to my neck and then we heard a loud cough. We both froze knowing who it was.

“Am I interrupting or something? You know, I don't mean to but our ride is outside,” Natasha explained and I could hear the mocking tone of her voice. I looked at her from behind James' shoulder. We were still in a highly embarrassing position, my legs around his waist and one of his hands between my legs. He leaned his forehead against my shoulder and sighed.

“Hmm, weren't we supposed to take the train since there was no one to pick us up?” I asked trying to sound professional.

“Yeah, originally yes,” she arched her eyebrows at us and placed the three coffees on the table. “But we got some help from two best agents.”

“You mean Barton.” Now it was my time to chuckle. I cleared my throat afterwards and straightened my back preparing myself to stand on my own. James looked at me carefully and I could see the embarrassment on his face. I gave him an encouraging smile and jumped off of him. He helped me to stand still and then let go off me however he didn't move away. Which made me quite happy.

Natasha glared at me but then her mood lightened up. She kept her eyes fixed on us still clearly amused. “Not only,” she added in a peculiar tone and then looked distinctively at me. “Just a warning for you, my friend. Don't kill him, punch him or even hurt him in a slightest way. Otherwise Fury will have your head.”

I gave her a confused look and I got the same one from James. I had no idea who she was referring to. “Look, as long as it's not Ward, I'm good,” I said starting to feel uncomfortable.

“It's not,” she smiled to me warmly throwing her bag across her shoulder and picking up her cup with coffee. “It's your husband.”

At these words she smiled widely and left the room obviously to reach the car they were both waiting in. James froze right next to me and I was getting afraid of his anger building up. “You're married?”

“No, but I was,” I replied angrily. Not at him, not at Natasha but mostly at Fury. How could he possibly assume I would be fine with him on our team? “His my ex.”

Barnes relaxed slightly and picked his own bag and coffee. I did the same and threw the package away. I sighed and shut the door behind us using as much strength as I could without breaking them. James arched his eyebrow at me. “You're not on good terms or something?”

“Not on speaking terms sounds more like it,” I chuckled however I had no intentions of seeing him at all. I didn't hate him but I wasn't thrilled about seeing his face either. When we split up I was outraged, I was prepared to kill him and if Barton didn't drag him away from me, I probably would.

When we left the building I started getting emotionally prepared for a 9 hours ride with all of them. James was following me quietly and I could bet he was feeling rather awkward. “Look, there's nothing left between us,” I reassured him not knowing why. It wasn't like we were a thing. Not yet. However I felt like I should inform him about it. “He's a child, he might say things he doesn't mean.”

“Sounds like a fun ride,” he mumbled not really joyfully.

I sighed and nodded. I saw the car with the lights on and Natasha packing her bag inside while trying to keep Clint away from her coffee. When she noticed me she looked irritated. “Do something or else there'll be only four of us coming back,” she hissed glancing at Barton sipping her coffee and grinning widely. I knew better than to mess with Natasha before she got her coffee in the morning. Apparently Barton didn't.

“Look, you should probably give it back to her,” I defended my friend putting my bag in the truck and looking around. _Where the hell was he?_ I sighed and faced Barton. “If you don't want her to starve you of your manhood then I suggest you hand it back to her with a huge smile and an apology.”

He looked at me carefully assessing whether I was serious or not. He wasn't that insane and it took him only about two seconds to follow my advice. Natasha glared at him, grabbed her coffee and walked away giving me a pat on the back.

“Someone's in a bad mood,” I heard a voice at the front of the car.

Natasha blew a raspberry and opened the door to the back seat. “Well, I like my coffee without bird's spit in it.”

At that comment Clint growled and shut the trunk closed and walked away angrily. I couldn't help but laugh and I could see James relax slightly as well. I knew who the voice belonged to however I chose to remain cool.

“Oh, I get it,” my ex-husband continued his conversation with the Russian. “Do you know how terrible it was to drive with him here?” he complained.

“I can imagine,” she muttered and got in the car but managed to shout at us before doing so. “Guys, come on! I want to be back before Clint decides to sing the entire discography of Radiohead!”

“That's a good point,” I said quietly and yelled back. “We're coming!” I looked at James who looked at me questioningly. “Get inside, it's cold,” I told him smiling warmly. “I'll just put the equipment in and I'll join you.”

“Are you sure?” he arched his eyebrow. “I can help.”

“No, that's okay,” I waved my hand. “Not that I don't trust you but Fitz would kill me if any of his precious cargo got destroyed.” That convinced him and he got into the car chuckling.

I sighed and reached for the bags with guns and biochemical equipment. Fitzsimmons were about to get a huge surprise. The bag wasn't as heavy as I expected therefor I managed to put it inside the car without much trouble. I could hear Natasha arguing with Clint over what music we were about to listen to and I was suppressing a giggle. I reached for the other bag but that one was heavier than expected. I gathered more strength and tried again however someone's hands grabbed the bag with me and put it in the back of the car. I looked up at the person and froze. _Of course._

“Looking great as always,” were his first words to me after over a year of not seeing each other. His voice still deep exactly how I remembered it. His dark strawberry blonde, almost red hair were longer than when we were married. His brown eyes were fixed on me and he was clearly amused. He had a stubble that was more than a plain five o'clock shadow. He either gave up on shaving or had no time to do it. He closed the trunk and return his eyes to me.

“So are you,” I replied sipping my coffee and trying to act relaxed. However I wasn't and he knew me too well not to notice. Despite that, he decided not to make a remark which I was grateful for.

“Yeah well not so much,” he muttered tilting his head to the side. His chocolate eyes were fixed on me like never before. I furrowed my eyebrows at him and he laughed.

“What?” I asked starting to get annoyed.

He shook his head. “Nothing.” His smile widened and he leaned closer to me. “Screwing the Winter Soldier much?”

 


End file.
